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Original poster

7am and DH arguing with me already

237 replies

NeverGetADayOff · 09/05/2026 07:33

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

OP posts:
QuintadosMalvados · 09/05/2026 10:03

Alainlechat · 09/05/2026 09:31

Not saying the OP is perfect but the bottom line is she is dealing with a disagreeable and unreasonable DH and has less agency as a result.

Having first hand experience of this sort of behaviour I’d say these type never change. It’s up to the OP if she wants to live the rest of her life like this.

Show quote history

Totally agree. I was fortunate enough not to have children with the ex who was like this, but leaving is a chore.
What kept me going was an image of sitting in a clean, tidy living room that the prick hadn't trashed overnight by tossing wrappers etc everywhere in peace enjoying the first few coffees of the day.

This image really helped.

He was a messy bustard. Couldn't even pick his dirty clothes off the floor.

Glad to say last I heard he never found anyone else to inflict himself on.

Barcelonna · 09/05/2026 09:57

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/05/2026 09:30

He sounds like a petulant child who’s got his own way for far too long and has been used to controlling the show.

I’d tell him to fuck off. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire with men like this, be nasty back, make him aware that if he walks out the house, you don’t give a shit.

Absolutely.
I’ve responded with fuck off / have ignored mine / deliberately defied his wishes. Assertiveness is the key to redress the power balance.
A good male friend of mine, a propos of nothing, advised me to always delay when meeting my husband, to make him wait, to make him think and fully appreciate me. I’ve done this when my DH wanted me to adhere to his time schedule - a bit like your DH with his pressure to get you out of bed at 7am. Now mine accepts I’m ready when I’m ready.
The next time yours plans one of your days off, pack up and go out for hours. He won’t do it again.
If you hear the “I don’t want to be married anymore” agree wholeheartedly and immediately start talking about division of assets. It’ll take the wind out of his sails.

MrsJeanLuc · 09/05/2026 09:55

Starzinsky · 09/05/2026 07:41

You both sound over dramatic to be honest.

Nah. They both sound tired and stressed.

That is quite a jump from bedroom renovation to marriage issues.
@NeverGetADayOff it's never about the presenting issue is it. The reason what should have been a discussion between adults deteriorated into a full on row is underlying tensions in your relationship.

The workman was smack bang in the middle of the day 12pm. I was planning on getting my course work done, then going shopping in the city. I can't now.
Of course you can. Get your studying done this morning, see the workman at 12 (which won't take long), and go shopping after lunch.

I have to say (gently) that you are starting to sound like a sulky teenager now.

On his weekends off my DH will be on the sofa watching sport for most of it.
On my day(s) off I am expected to do chores, deal with workmen and cook lavish meals.

Well tbh this is how marriages work; if one partner has time on a weekday then they usually pick up this kind of task. But if it's too much, stop doing them. Just say "oh, I'm sorry, I've arranged to meet friend today , you'll have to cancel". Or get the phone number and cancel it yourself.

Going back to my earlier point about underlying tensions, it feels like you aren't happy with the power balance in your relationship. Maybe that's something to think about?

Pearlstillsinging · 09/05/2026 09:55

NeverGetADayOff · 09/05/2026 07:50

I know this all sounds like a storm in a tea cup, but it has really upset me. I usually just go along with whatever he wants to keep the peace, which obviously is not a good thing. We don't argue.

There is a reason for this. There have been a couple of times in our marriage where he has said "I don't want to be married anymore" and it was pretty awful when this happened. It usually follows me pushing back on something I don't like. Both times I was devastated and scared as I was a SAHM and it went on for a few months. We had small DC, then tweens. This is why I have 2 jobs, and study. I never want to feel that vulnerable again.

I'm sitting here thinking that I should have just gone "yes dear" as I don't need the stress of him being in a mood or pulling out the "not sure if I want to be married card" right now. I did tell myself that he has done this twice, and on the 3rd time I will 100% take him at his word and end it.

That is quite a jump from bedroom renovation to marriage issues.

Edited

I was thinking as I read this post, I would say "No, neither do I, let's get the house on the market without wasting any more money on it"

Lotsofsnacks · 09/05/2026 09:55

The more I read the more I dislike your DH! He wants you to drive 40 min on your day off for u to get him his special eggs?! But he lazes around all day, on his days off?! Just no.

I bet if you said to him oh no I don’t think 25k to improve the bedrooms the way you’re suggesting, is the best way financially (which u did), but then u came up with another more sensible home improvement, which would be more financially astute, that he would shoot down the idea straight away cause it was yours, and not his? As he thinks he’s the boss. It looks like this, and I’m guessing hes always been the same?

Sounds like more of a manager/PA relationship, than marriage from his end. You need to keep pushing back OP, no more ‘errands’ for him on your day off, hes off on a Saturday, things are all open then, suggest he starts doing these errands, himself, then. If there is no compromise his end, you need to start thinking about the future of your relationship

10namechangeslater · 09/05/2026 09:50

OP. Kindly, you need to end this relationship and get away from this man. No one needs this.

Warmlight1 · 09/05/2026 09:45

Trint · 09/05/2026 08:14

I do wonder what your husband’s take is on this. It sounds as if he was stressed by you being a SAHM. If your youngest is off to university he doesn’t need looking after. How long were you a SAHM. There is a big difference between 5 years pre school or was it a decade or more?
It is hard to live with someone who makes no effort with a home in terms of changing and modernising. Do you both talk to each other about your ideas or does he get fed up with vague suggestions about decorating without any constructive plans. Women on MN complain the whole time about partners not getting involved in house issues.
Doing a course is one thing but getting a better job is hard. There is a long running thread at the moment about the difficulties of getting a job in your fifties. You need to share your fears and determination with your husband.
I am always annoyed by women who are financially dependent on husbands and then are flummoxed about the difficulties of getting a job in middle age. MN is often dismissive of the male financial provider but enormously supportive of women who are the main breadwinners.

Women looking after children annoys you and you don't think that's someone's job? Also not a financial contribution?
I get where you are coming from the paid employment is tiring too. No need to disturb a parents rest though. How is she supposed to recharge?!

Sassylovesbooks · 09/05/2026 09:42

Your husband seems to want you permanently stressed and tired with no opportunity to rest. I suspect it's so that you will just comply with his latest demand. He uses 'I want out of this marriage' comments, to control you and keep you in line.

Essentially your husband is a nasty controlling bully. You push back on any level and he creates an atmosphere, sulks, goes off in a huff and causes a row...all to wear you down, until you back down and agree.

Spending £25K on renovating two bedrooms, is utterly ridiculous. You will never recoup that money back, when you come to sell it. Of course your husband should have never booked workmen to come over, when there wasn't a joint decision made. Spending £25K is a huge sum of money to be spending on a house, and it should be a joint decision. However, your husband isn't really interested in your opinion, he just wants his own way, and for you to be the obedient little woman.

You say that you have one child off to university, so I'm guessing he/she should be 18? How old is your other child? How much longer will you be studying for? Honestly, I would divorce him. He's awful. Depending on your circumstances, you may feel you need to bide your time, until you're in a better position. I wouldn't want to stay with this man, once the children were past 18 or into my old age.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 09/05/2026 09:35

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 09/05/2026 07:51

I agree with you about the use of money. But I also wonder whether you listen to your DH’s point of view at all? Maybe he does like the house/area, etc? Maybe he has valid reasons for wanting to do the place up? That’s not to say that you should spend £25k on it but perhaps you could find a compromise.

In any case your reaction was childish and turned the temperature up needlessly. He really didn’t “ruin your day” but it is possible that you did that yourself.

Agreed.

SadSaq · 09/05/2026 09:34

MegMortimer · 09/05/2026 08:24

You say he threatens to leave if you stand up for what you want, OP. I think he's a bully, and I recognise the type because my ex was like that. One day I got so sick of it I took him up on his kind offer to leave, and we split up.
I understand that you don't want to feel vulnerable, but honestly he is the one making you feel vulnerable. Now that you have qualifications, you can get a higher paying job and be happy. He seems to be the source of most of your unhappiness.

All I will add is that it felt incredible once me and ex split up. There was a period of adjustment of course but I was so very very happy without him.

I agree. I can't get past him saying this. I couldn't be with him. Control freak

Alainlechat · 09/05/2026 09:31

PollyBell · 09/05/2026 09:12

Usually when there're arguments there is issues on both sides but people on here are running with it all being his fault and the op is perfect, I have no idea who is right or wrong or what inbetweeen but this posting all one sided

We only know the op version of all this

Not saying the OP is perfect but the bottom line is she is dealing with a disagreeable and unreasonable DH and has less agency as a result.

Having first hand experience of this sort of behaviour I’d say these type never change. It’s up to the OP if she wants to live the rest of her life like this.

C152 · 09/05/2026 09:31

NeverGetADayOff · 09/05/2026 08:17

He does this quite a lot.

If I have a day off in the week he will often organise workmen, car needs an MOT or some enhancement, or TV has a minor glitch that no one else can see and the TV man is coming over.

The workman was smack bang in the middle of the day 12pm. I was planning on getting my course work done, then going shopping in the city. I can't now.

On his weekends off my DH will be on the sofa watching sport for most of it.

On my day(s) off I am expected to do chores, deal with workmen and cook lavish meals.

He doesn't like the eggs we buy and wanted me to drive 40 mins each way to an egg shack on some farm. I said no to this.

Show quote history

Ring the workman and cancel. It's really shitty to waste his time when it hasn't been agreed the work will be done. (It's also really shitty of your DH to book workman for you to speak to you, on your day off, without asking you.)

Don't spend the money. Maybe your marriage will survive; maybe it won't; but I'd wait to see where you are after you've completed your studies before wasting money on a house that's at already at the top end of it's price bracket.

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/05/2026 09:30

He sounds like a petulant child who’s got his own way for far too long and has been used to controlling the show.

I’d tell him to fuck off. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire with men like this, be nasty back, make him aware that if he walks out the house, you don’t give a shit.

Morepositivemum · 09/05/2026 09:29

SunnyRedSnail

But that's not a marriage. A marriage is a 2 way partnership.
What you have is one person who dictates what they want and throws their toys out the pram if they don't get it.
If you can't express your opinion to your partner and make decisions discussing things together then what's the point?
Put your foot down. £25k on two bedrooms is a joke. Cancel the appointment. If he threatens to leave again then say OK. Sounds like you have prepared for this.

Youre saying it’s not a partnership then telling op to ‘put her foot down’. They both need a proper sit down chat to work all this out or decide it’s not working. Nobody should ever put their foot down!

Gemtastic · 09/05/2026 09:27

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 09/05/2026 09:25

Why are you trying to attack OP for being a SAHP? She’s not any more, she’s working 4 days a week and studying. They are so comfortable financially that her DH wants to spend 25k on flooring so why is it annoying you so much thst she’s working 30h instead of 37??

Show quote history

I know. And hilarious that they think all women who work full time have husbands that do half of the childcare and domestic load.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 09/05/2026 09:27

Trint · 09/05/2026 08:28

But we don’t know what the husband’s take on this is. Is he frustrated by lack of input into change?
Perhaps you do need to divorce, neither of you sounds happy.

Yes that’s how mumsnet works, you only get half the story

Morepositivemum · 09/05/2026 09:26

Read what you said, if you said that to him you were arguing with him too! So you’re both arguing before 7am! You both need to have a proper talk and not drag a workman out unless you’re both onboard but coming from a busy family I do get that you’ve both just assumed the other knew how you really feel and now the work guy is here.

Gemtastic · 09/05/2026 09:25

PollyBell · 09/05/2026 09:12

Usually when there're arguments there is issues on both sides but people on here are running with it all being his fault and the op is perfect, I have no idea who is right or wrong or what inbetweeen but this posting all one sided

We only know the op version of all this

We always only know one side of it. But usually in good relationships people don’t threaten divorce because you disagree with them occasionally. Usually people don’t schedule someone else’s time off with jobs while enjoying their own free time chore free. Usually in good relationships people confer with their partner before planning expensive refurbishments. Usually in healthy relationships one partner does not bother the other at 7am on their day off.

But you always disagree with the OP on every single thread. Not sure whether you’re just contrary or enjoy bashing women.

Either way it’s just tedious.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 09/05/2026 09:25

Trint · 09/05/2026 08:25

You are expected to cook ‘lavish meals’. What are lavish meals. If you work full time from the start, your husband has no choice but to do half of everything else. It is a proper partnership.
will you return to work full time after you have completed your course? Will there be a sense of being in it together and taking an equal role when planning the future or do you just vaguely hope things will change?

Why are you trying to attack OP for being a SAHP? She’s not any more, she’s working 4 days a week and studying. They are so comfortable financially that her DH wants to spend 25k on flooring so why is it annoying you so much thst she’s working 30h instead of 37??

QuintadosMalvados · 09/05/2026 09:24

CocoQueen2024 · 09/05/2026 09:14

Is he trying to sabotage your study or something? I also wonder what he would do if you just said 'no. Noone ever died of a tantrum - so let him tantrum and make childish threats. Days off are so important and I know what you mean, when you have had a good productive day planned and someone pisses you off, it kind of ruins the mood somewhat.

Yeah. Especially before you've even had a chance to have your first sip of coffee.

They ruin the day before it's started.

SunnyRedSnail · 09/05/2026 09:23

NeverGetADayOff · 09/05/2026 07:50

I know this all sounds like a storm in a tea cup, but it has really upset me. I usually just go along with whatever he wants to keep the peace, which obviously is not a good thing. We don't argue.

There is a reason for this. There have been a couple of times in our marriage where he has said "I don't want to be married anymore" and it was pretty awful when this happened. It usually follows me pushing back on something I don't like. Both times I was devastated and scared as I was a SAHM and it went on for a few months. We had small DC, then tweens. This is why I have 2 jobs, and study. I never want to feel that vulnerable again.

I'm sitting here thinking that I should have just gone "yes dear" as I don't need the stress of him being in a mood or pulling out the "not sure if I want to be married card" right now. I did tell myself that he has done this twice, and on the 3rd time I will 100% take him at his word and end it.

That is quite a jump from bedroom renovation to marriage issues.

Edited

But that's not a marriage. A marriage is a 2 way partnership.

What you have is one person who dictates what they want and throws their toys out the pram if they don't get it.

If you can't express your opinion to your partner and make decisions discussing things together then what's the point?

Put your foot down. £25k on two bedrooms is a joke. Cancel the appointment. If he threatens to leave again then say OK. Sounds like you have prepared for this.

sprigatito · 09/05/2026 09:20

I don’t think it sounds like a storm in a tea cup, and I don’t think you sound dramatic either. You have a lot on your plate at the moment and you have a spouse who piles more stress onto you for his own selfish reasons, rather than supporting you and working as a team. You’d have to be a saint not to snap back at him when he starts pecking and pushing at you at 7 in the morning ffs. Prat.

You need some thought-terminating cliches to shut him down with whenever he does this. Stock phrases that will take the wind out of his sails and lower the temperature, because he’s bullying you and his success relies on you getting angry so he can paint you as unreasonable and play the victim.

Maybe “I haven’t forgotten, but I’d like to have a quiet coffee before we talk about it”… then suggest taking turns to make and respond to each other’s points? Ugh, you shouldn’t have to be managing him like a child, but I can’t think of a better solution other than LTB.

Bringflowersofthefairest · 09/05/2026 09:19

He thinks he’s your boss and master. I don’t think you should stay with him. Bully boy!

sheisforrealatiger · 09/05/2026 09:19

From all your updates I’d say your “D”H IBU and I can understand why you feel so on edge and trapped into doing what he wants.

I don’t know what the answer is to your problems or how you get out from under him, but that’s my answer to your AIBU.

faial · 09/05/2026 09:17

Your 8.17 update strongly implies he's trying to sabotage/fill up your days off (or you think that he is). Are your days off always the same days every week? Because if they aren't I'd stop telling him when they are. If he says "I've booked the tv repair man for Weds" I'd say "you'll need to deal with it because I am going out."

I don't know about the rest of it. It sounds as though you've both checked out.