Page 4 | 7am and DH arguing with me already

Unpaidworkmakestheeconomytick · 09/05/2026 12:15

Sounds like he has delusional personality disorder.
No cure for that I’m afraid. Friend of mine’s husband has it and she’s spent her life appeasing him while being shouted at. He’s spent every single penny of the equity of their house and is in debt up to his neck.
She has dementia now and he’s stopped talking to her. She loves it when she stays at the respite nursing home.
I would get out while there’s money left to split and life left to live.

PalePinkPeony · 09/05/2026 12:15

NeverGetADayOff · 09/05/2026 07:57

I wanted to sleep in but he stood over the bed and started going on about workmen and I have to decide what I want today. I didn't even know anything about it.

I got up because I was getting "are you staying in bed all day" vibes and I felt lazy. Like I said, sometimes I feel like one of his staff caught chatting.

Show quote history

This is all a bit bonkers.
what should be happening is he should say- I’m thinking it would be a good idea to do up the bedrooms- what do you think? I’ve had a look into it and this might be good but it’s going to cost xxx, what do you think? when you are BOTH in agreement - I’m thinking of booking a workman to come round- when do you think I could ask him to come? Saturday? Which time would work?
Absoltrly NOT oh I feel we need xxx done to the bedrooms and I’ve booked someone to come today to start working on it / quoting for it? Bizarre.
Do you not ever discuss things before actions happen?
As for him saying I will end the marriage. It’s complete bully tactics. How can someone who is meant to love you with their heart and soul say something like that? Horrible. My love would have started withering from the moment they first said that I’m afraid as it would signal to me that they didn’t really truly love me or care for my wellbeing at all

CheeseAndTomatoSandwichWithMayo · 09/05/2026 12:14

Why don't you divorce him?

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 09/05/2026 12:13

OP, you seriously need to plan for the future. This dreadful controlling behaviour will only get worse as time goes on. Imagine him as an old man....... ghastly. In the meantime keep paddling . Hugs.

istolethetalisker · 09/05/2026 12:01

If this was your boss you would be looking for other jobs.

MyAutumnCrow · 09/05/2026 11:59

TFImBackIn · 09/05/2026 11:46

Are you seriously thinking of staying with this man once your son leaves for uni? That money would be far better spent in therapy and in paying for a solicitor.

There's a 16 year old at home too, I believe, presumably due to start A levels in September. It's not his fault I guess that his parent(s) chose for him to live in the arse end of nowhere so OP (because she is a nice person) feels obligated to drive him to where he needs to be most days.

The Very Important Husband is at work or commuting to work or stuffing himself with fine steaks and yogurt after finishing work, leaving the OP to do everything to his very fine and exacting standards.

It all sounds like this has been building slowly for a long time, and it's about to blow.

Frugalgal · 09/05/2026 11:50

NeverGetADayOff · 09/05/2026 07:33

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

1kg if yoghurt a day!! That's hot to be 1000 calories alone. That's a lot of fat if it's the good stuff. And you're supposed to control his weight???!?

Never mind about whether this is your forever home, is this your forever life? With this overbearing boss/husband?

The I don't want to be married any more thing when he doesn't get his own way is a massive ick. Next time say ok dear. I get why you stated when your kids were young but you've raised them now and it will soon be just you and him.

You're never going to get back £25k spent on floors. Total waste of money.

You could sell that house and buy your own places and live happily ever after, him with his maintenance schedule and you with your independence. You can't possibly spend the rest of your life under this tyranny. Maybe it's time for you to say you don't want to be married any more....

nam3c4ang3 · 09/05/2026 11:47

Why are you even with him - he sounds fucking awful.

godmum56 · 09/05/2026 11:47

NeverGetADayOff · 09/05/2026 11:40

DH’s mum is a horrible narcissist. I really do think she has a personality disorder.

DH is quiet like his dad. However I do see behaviours that his mum has. It’s confusing as his mum is loud and aggressive, whereas DH is calm
and quiet. It is not overt.

My MIL always has to have the best of everything, and everyone else is not allowed an opinion and is too stupid/ has no taste/ will choose wrong, so she has to do it. She likes to take a person and reduce their self esteem to crumbs. She failed with me, but I think DH may finish the job.

Edited

my question again but with an addition. You have seen his mother in him, you know he is wrecking you. Why are you staying?

TFImBackIn · 09/05/2026 11:46

Are you seriously thinking of staying with this man once your son leaves for uni? That money would be far better spent in therapy and in paying for a solicitor.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 09/05/2026 11:41

Butterme · 09/05/2026 10:53

I have to say (gently) that you are starting to sound like a sulky teenager now.

I have to agree with this.

Its coming across as though OP enjoys a bit of drama and arguing.

It’s not ok to want to cancel the workman the morning he is supposed to come.
And I would be really annoyed if I was DH.
OP started this argument.

She said her day has been ruined as she wanted to study and then go shopping but both things can still be done.

Then she says she wanted to have a lie in but DH stood over her talking to her but in her OP she said she was already awake watching the news.

It seems a ridiculous amount of money to spend but OP is not painting herself in a good light here.

OP is exhausted and tired from having an obnoxious, controlling and thoroughly unpleasant man disturbing her peace.

You seem to be very judgemental with no empathy or ability to be able to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

Original poster

NeverGetADayOff · 09/05/2026 11:40

DH’s mum is a horrible narcissist. I really do think she has a personality disorder.

DH is quiet like his dad. However I do see behaviours that his mum has. It’s confusing as his mum is loud and aggressive, whereas DH is calm
and quiet. It is not overt.

My MIL always has to have the best of everything, and everyone else is not allowed an opinion and is too stupid/ has no taste/ will choose wrong, so she has to do it. She likes to take a person and reduce their self esteem to crumbs. She failed with me, but I think DH may finish the job.

OP posts:

ChestnutSquash · 09/05/2026 11:34

He sounds insufferable. I could not live like that. Honestly, I wouldn't care about the value of the house, I would just sell up and let him get a tiny flat near his job. He can do his own shopping.

ilovelamp82 · 09/05/2026 11:32

Some men do not like their partner resting. Especially when they have somewhere to be or something to do. Something to think about. Even if you're not doing a task, in his absence he knows he has upset you and you will be stewing over it.

If this is a rare day off for you, refuse to give it any more headspace. Nothing is going to be resolved. Enjoy your rest. You can't get the rest time back again, so don't let him ruin it.

RightOnTheEdge · 09/05/2026 11:31

He sounds absolutely awful OP.
I don't understand why you put up with all his demands.

Retiring with him sounds like hell. I'd be divorcing him and selling the house and splitting the money to buy a flat each.

BreadedChickenLips · 09/05/2026 11:28

I hear you OP. You are busy and that's your choice but your DH thinks he gets to dictate your free time because you being less than 100% busy = lazy. Whereas his job is super important and super stressful so he needs weekend down time.

Threatening to leave but not recognising his role in making you feel the way you do blames you for everything. You give the examples of him losing weight being your responsibility.

He does seem very controlling and I wonder if he's always been like this and up till now you've been able to just roll with it. But recently you're so weary of everything that you just don't have the energy for him directing your time anymore. Would you say this is accurate? And if so, what would you like to do about it? You can't change him so what can you do differently?

Do you want to say yes to avoid an argument?
Do you want to say no and deal with the fallout but stand your ground?
Do you want to sit down with him and, using 'I' statements, tell him how he makes you feel?
Do you want to try marriage counselling?
Do you want to plan your exit from the marriage?

What options make you feel positive about the future?

godmum56 · 09/05/2026 11:27

NeverGetADayOff · 09/05/2026 10:48

A few points.

We live in a big house in a village, that takes a drive to the station to go to work in London and a drive to the station to commute to school.

My DH knows no one in my village/ nearest town, nor knows his way around. He commutes 1.5 hours into the city. Once my DC leave home we have no ties here whatsoever. In fact, up until now he has been talking about selling this house and getting a flat in London so he doesn't have to commute and another place on the coast, maybe somewhere country, where we may ultimately retire to. As far as I am concerned, this family home is an asset. It is my final home + some cash in the bank. It is our pension pot. When I have looked into selling it in the past, it had not appreciated at all.

I really do think that when my DH does his 3 hour commute a day, and comes home to just us in the house, that he will want to move. In fact, both my DC will be at Uni in London. I too have to commute there for one of my jobs.

I am not studying to improve my job prospects. I already have the job, but need to pass professional qualifications to keep it. They offer me more hours than I can give them.

He has a very successful career. He is a very successful manager. However, I am crippling under the high expectations he has. He is very fussy and particular. I am tired and weary.

For example, we have steak and chips once a week. He only wants certain steak from a certain butcher costing £15 each. They are tiny. When he is not around I go to Aldi for DC and I and we can't taste any difference. That is an obscene amount of money to spend on a bit of meat.

He will only eat chicken breasts. I can never buy a chicken, or thighs, even though DC and I prefer it.

2 years ago I lost 2 stone. So then he wanted me to help him. He has lost 3 stone. It is up to me to manage his diet. If he puts on any weight it is MY fault.

Then finally there is f*cking yoghurt-gate. He eats a 1KG tub of yoghurt a day. God help me if I buy a different brand or style. Yesterday I bought 6 x 1kg tubs of yoghurt. If there is no Skyr left I feel like I am going to get a written warning.

In fact, if I had an appraisal I would be told I am bordering being put on the "being managed" or whatever you call it at work when underperforming.

a quick question. Why are you staying with this prince among men?

RoseField1 · 09/05/2026 11:26

Your marriage sounds really crap. When youngest DC leaves home will the house be sellable for enough to get you both your own flats somewhere decent? Because if so I'd be planning to retire from this marriage on my own. Imagine living like this for the rest of your life?

TheresAsilverLiningInTheSkyee · 09/05/2026 11:22

I could not stay with a man who used emotional blackmail and threats when he faced the slightest pushback on what should very much be joint decisions.

He is a manipulative controlling arse and knows exactly what he's doing. If you can't leave now, please consider doing so when you can and don't waste your whole life on this man.

Original poster

NeverGetADayOff · 09/05/2026 11:22

Discodance1988 · 09/05/2026 11:13

I'm obviously not in the loop on how much these things cost but 25k to have wooden floors put down? That seems hugely excessive. It wouldn't cost that to have my 3 bed house carpetted in premium carpet!

Everything ripped out. Floor to ceiling fitted cupboards and wooden floors.

It can't be just any old workman. It has to be done by someone who does palaces and is in high demand and costs a fortune.

I actually feel like I am married to a General Manager of a 6-star hotel who is really fussy and demanding as it costs 20K a night to stay there.

OP posts:

Discodance1988 · 09/05/2026 11:13

I'm obviously not in the loop on how much these things cost but 25k to have wooden floors put down? That seems hugely excessive. It wouldn't cost that to have my 3 bed house carpetted in premium carpet!

WyrdHag · 09/05/2026 11:12

NeverGetADayOff · 09/05/2026 07:50

I know this all sounds like a storm in a tea cup, but it has really upset me. I usually just go along with whatever he wants to keep the peace, which obviously is not a good thing. We don't argue.

There is a reason for this. There have been a couple of times in our marriage where he has said "I don't want to be married anymore" and it was pretty awful when this happened. It usually follows me pushing back on something I don't like. Both times I was devastated and scared as I was a SAHM and it went on for a few months. We had small DC, then tweens. This is why I have 2 jobs, and study. I never want to feel that vulnerable again.

I'm sitting here thinking that I should have just gone "yes dear" as I don't need the stress of him being in a mood or pulling out the "not sure if I want to be married card" right now. I did tell myself that he has done this twice, and on the 3rd time I will 100% take him at his word and end it.

That is quite a jump from bedroom renovation to marriage issues.

Edited

Are you sure you want to be married?

Yoire more financially secure, you're studying and your youngest is off to uni soon.

It sounds like you'd be better off growing old in a different house minus your demanding/controlling husband.

PinkyFlamingo · 09/05/2026 11:11

Never cease to amaze me on here what women are prepared to put up with and be treated like by a man. This is not about wooden floors.

TheMimsy · 09/05/2026 11:09

If you were my friend @NeverGetADayOff id be asking why you were staying?

what quality of life and happiness will
you have when both children are off living their own lives.

what quality of life will you are both retired and at home together all day and his micro management increases.

what quality of life when he ages and develops health conditions that you are expected to manage along with his weight?

how caring and supportive will he be
when you become ill? Or need care? Or the menopause era messes you up?

when the children rarely visit with grandkids or their family as dad has got worse and creates an unpleasant environment..

where is the love?

Happyjoe · 09/05/2026 11:06

Again from me, no point in spending the money if want to move, far better to save up for moving costs when you do in a house you can see yourself staying in.

I do wonder why he's booked a quote though, I presume without talking to you first? Because you're being logical if you're on the same page.

You guys need to communicate better and certainly not at 7am! Sounds like you have different dreams when it comes to living there. Good luck with it all, the study etc. Hope get 5 mins of peace today!