7am and DH arguing with me already

Well quite!

it’s a question that husband rarely ask themselves. Overall yes, he’s a kind supportive man that pulls his weight and makes me laugh. Pulling the “I’m not fulfilled in this relationship” crap doesn’t actually renew my commitment tho. I’m not responsible for his emotional state and it’s a burden I will not bear.

Menopause shifts the balance somewhat when a lot of women lose the people pleasing hormone and start saying “no” and no longer agree to carry most of the mental load of the family any longer.

instead of rushing to fix things I now mutter platitudes such as “oh, that sounds tricky for you, what will you do to sort it out” 🤣

I'm older than you, OP. Reading between the lines on an emotional level, I can see a distinct incompatibility between you both. You seem to be subservient and are starting to resent it. I have been married twice; both exH made me feel this way, albeit it wasn't the reason we broke up. All I can say, is that I am the happiest in my life, now I'm single, living alone, without anyone else's moods or opinions and I pinch myself how lucky I am to be in the situation I am in, now, albeit when exH1 left me, I was blindsided and devastated. Now, all decisions made are mine alone, which makes me feel secure and happy. I have recently semi retired, also downsized to the type of home/area I should always have lived in and I spend my spare time walking in fields with my dogs, wallowing in nature, and peace. I can't remember the last time I shed a tear, which was a frequent occurrence when married, (to both men). Think long and hard about your future --- you are making a start by doing the right thing trying to stand alone, financially. Good luck. PS: Today it is pissing down - I got up, fed the dogs, and we went back to bed/chill until 12.30pm. Not a cross word was heard😜

More to the point @Bridgertonisbest , are you content in your marriage?

The last time dh said this I invited him, very calmly to leave the marriage. I stated that if it was making him unhappy he should absolutely take the right steps for himself, we’d sell the house, split the proceeds and go our separate ways if that’s what he felt he needed. You’re either all in or you’re out, I’m not looking for a marriage where one person isn’t fully committed.

He seems much more content in our marriage since and I don’t have to bother playing the pick me dance.

which is just as well, if he’d mentioned it again I’d have left the marriage myself! 🙄

What a crappy way to live. And now the weekend atmosphere at home will be tense and fraught and the kids will yet again wonder what the hell is going on between their parents.

Come on @NeverGetADayOff … expect better for yourself and your kids

What shouts out from your opening post is that you have a communication problem. You could have had a discussion before it got to this point. Your husband isn’t actually trying to make a decision without you, he has included you to see what you want.

its a battle of wills you are trying to make decisions without considering his feelings/wanrs.

maybe he doesn’t care about the house value and just wants a bedroom thats to his taste. There isn’t anything wrong with that.

is he even aware you don’t plan on continuing to live in the house

Huge red flags. Time to make some decisions OP. your life could be so much better and easier.
Property prices are really the last thing you should worry about. If you split 50:50 you can decide where to get something smaller and you can probably get a mortgage.

The marriage issues sound as though they were there to begin with, OP. He has you 'trained' not to make a fuss or you will be punished. This sentence says a multitude of things: I usually just go along with whatever he wants to keep the peace, which obviously is not a good thing. We don't argue.

I'll bet you don't, because he has you conditioned into keeping the peace by not opposing him. As for telling you he doesn't want to be married anymore as a punishment for not playing ball, then yes, there may well come a day when you'd be more than happy to take him at his world. Because this is not how healthy marriages operate.

He also doesn't need to use the not wanting to be married threat because on this occasion, he's ruined your rare day off as a punishment. That was deliberate.

Marriage issues indeed. This is a man used to getting his own way, and if he doesn't get it, is going to make you suffer. He is using intricate, tried and tested methods of control on you. That is the behaviour of an abuser.

You do see that, don't you, OP?

Sounds disgusting (and I bloody love yogurt, cheese, cow's milk etc). I don't even know if I could keep that down?

There have been a couple of times in our marriage where he has said "I don't want to be married anymore" and it was pretty awful when this happened. It usually follows me pushing back on something I don't like.

So does he use emotional threats of divorce as coercive behaviour to make you revert to the "yes dear" to get his own way?

By the way; dont revert to "yes dear" - it doesnt keep the peace, it builds resentment. You also deserve to live in your peace. He doesnt get to always have it his way.

I'm finding this quite stressful to read.

You don't sound that happy. I'm not sure I could live under that scrutiny.

If he has always been like this and it is shortly going to be just you two, is this how you want to spend the next 30 odd years?

HNRTFT but I personally would not be up at 7 am on my day off and certainly wouldn’t be having a conversation a! Not even about the bloody weather tbh !

'I don't want to be married anymore' is emotional blackmail. I would just say 'ok' and call his bluff. If he really wants to leave you over flooring then it reflects that his heart wasn't in the relationship anyway, and you want better than that.

You sound a grounded down to earth likeable person .Stick to what you think, work shouldn’t be done and copious amounts of money spent ,unless you both agree ,that as you say is your nest egg .He is really not thinking ahead .Sounds like you will sell the house in the near future and by then you may decide it’s more peaceful on your own terms .
Best of luck to you .

It all sounds like this has been building slowly for a long time, and it's about to blow.

I've been thinking that from the start of the thread.
@NeverGetADayOff , you sound as if you have reached the end of your tether.

I know this is the least of it but…1 KG OF YOGHURT PER DAY??

Agreed. Do not even bring up divorce until you have a solicitor ready. We show ourselves in these 7am moments.

The marriage is over.

Here’s why: your divorce is predicted by the way you fight and resolve fights. You describing him as a stroppy manager shows you no longer respect his opinion, which is fine - women aren’t required to respect men’s opinions, and that works vice versa, too. But… your husband should know and understand that you DGAF about the house. Why are you telling MN something you didn’t say to him? Every woman should know how to recognize the “Four Horsemen” of Toxic Communication (which causes divorce) in her marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

This little 7am episode has 3/4 Horsemen. What do you want to do now, OP? Often, a child leaving for university can make it a good time to re-evaluate a relationship.

Source for you, OP: www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Divorce.

Imagine yourself alone with this man, every day, just you two, for the rest of your life. REALLY think hard about what every day looks like.

I'd see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row.

Do NOT ever consider divorcing him without a solicitor. He's a nasty, nasty bully that will be horrible to you.

Don't do the renovations. The more you spend now, the less you'll have to divide in the future divorce settlement. Think of your future self.

Your husband sounds horrendous. He's a bully. Dump him, get your own peaceful house where you can lie in until after 7am on a day off, and you don't have to buy 6kg of yoghurt for him every week.

How does he treat your kids? If it's anything like how he treats you, they're probably never going to come back and visit you once they've left for uni, so it's best to set your stall out now that you and their dad are Very Separate People.

So, end it, ffs. Are you reading your own posts? This man is horrible to you. Why are you just passively accepting all this?

Your husband sounds like a controlling asshole if you don't go along with his expensive whims. You appease him to stay married because he's already been out the door twice. Let his dumb ass go next time.

Spending 25k renovating flooring in bedrooms in a home that hasn't appreciated in value since you bought it is fucking stupid. If you renovate, you put the money where it likely brings you a return on your investment, like updating kitchens or bathrooms. Flooring? What the fuck is he on?

Him arguing with you at 7 in the morning on a day where you're not swamped with stuff to do sounds deliberate. He's out to fuck with you and he's a nut job. Drive 40 minutes for special eggs, my ass. He's an emotionally abusive bully.

Don't do the workman. Cancel. Say no to burning large sums of money on stupid.

I'd put some money towards a lawyer consult and split myself. No way would I live like that.

Just divorce him. He's controlling and bullying you and your child. You can buy a chicken or thighs. You're choosing to jump to his demands. My husband threatened divorce. I told him submit if he wanted but be absolutely sure as I would see I through. He didn't press submit. I divorced him a bit later. Best decision ever made.

Just leave now. This is all pointless and damaging for your children.

Please read the OP's updates.

So is he normally a controlling arse?

It sounds like there is a massive backstory to all of this. Is he organising shit for you to do when he isn't there, part of his controlling nature? If so, I've been there and there is no hope for any change in the future and my advice is to get out ASAP. I tried. I wish I hadn't and he became dangerous when he knew I had a foot out of the door.

Time to properly fully stand back and analyse your interactions and personalities as if you are a third person so you get clarity.