7am and DH arguing with me already

He sounds awful tbh. My ex would blame me for all his problems, have a massive freakout and tell me he didn't want to be with me any more. Both times he seemed genuinely surprised and devastated that I took him at his word. Anyway, I'm done with that. Twice was more than enough for me. I'm a big fan of calling bluffs - play stupid games win stupid prizes.

As so often on MN, my view is 'this man is a bona fideeeey controlling cunt who is half the man his woman is".

OP, why do you put up with this? You are worth so, so much more.

This is probably what you have heard before but:

Do you want to live your life as an underling?
Do you want to live your life as an equal?
What do you get out of this relationship?
Do you feel used?
How do you want to progress via your education?
How does he view your ambitions in life?
Do you feel like a slave to his ambitions?

There are obviously more questions to ask about your life and ambitions but this is only a beginning to set your mind off on its own orbit around your universe.

Apparently several people either haven't read your posts, @NeverGetADayOff , or lack the comprehension skills to actually understand and process what you have said.

Your DH sounds like a manipulative and controlling arsehole.

Booking a workman to come on your day off without discussing it with you first.

Trying to railroad you into agreeing to a ridiculously expensive and unnecessary refurb.

Expecting lavish meals cooked on your day off.

Sulking and huffing around if you ever express an opinion that is different from his.

Twice threatening you with ending the marriage.

Honestly, I wouldn't wait for him to threaten a third time, I'd tell him I wanted out.

Imagine waking up in your own place, cooking and eating whatever you wanted, just doing whatever you wanted... bliss.

Do you really want to spend your working life fitting in around after him, and then all day every day of your retirement?

I have read all your answers. You are seriously being controlled.

I do not think you understand that or, maybe are so worn down by everything that all fight apart from this has left you. That tiny bit of fight is so good. Build on it.

It smacks that he may already be sensing that tiny bit of fight. He can no longer threaten you like he did when a SAHM. Only you can stop him having that level of control ever again.

You have two options.

The first is you bow down and accept what he wants and that is going to be your life going forward until the day one of you dies. He will continue to diminish you.

The second is to make a plan to leave him with all your ducks in a row i.e. consult a solicitor. Only you can do that.

Narcissists often have a partial or fluctuating awareness of their behaviour, rather than total ignorance or complete self-awareness. While they may not acknowledge having a disorder, they are generally aware of their actions such as manipulation, lying, or cruelty but justify them, blame others, or lack the empathy to care about the impact.

Take that little bit of fight you have left within you to make a new life for yourself. Your family will be fine x You will be fine.

Amazing how many people are missing the actual issue highlighted by OP's post. The main concern is not the ins and outs of DIY. It is the fact she is very likely married to a covert narcissist. I had one. So much better off as a single parent of 3 with minimal involvement from him. OP, look up covert narcissism and see if it rings any bells.

Is your husband no good at diy. Painting walls and laying floors is the absolute least a man should know how to do. The only thing I won’t do is water and electricity. Apart from changing sockets and taps new lights

Spending 25k on a divorce and therapy would give you much more satisfaction than wooden floors @NeverGetADayOff

I mean this with kindness, but not a hope in hells chance would I be entertaining a man riling me up at 7am on my day off.

@NeverGetADayOff on your day off make your own plans. If you're going out cancel the workmen. Or just lock up and go if you can't. Push back.

BTW in the EA industry they'll tell you a wooden floor in the bedroom devalues a property because women don't like them.

Hadn't you and your DH talked about all this before arranging for a workman to come in on a Saturday to mock up some plans.

Why didn't you tell him last week that you didn't want to spend £25k on the bedrooms just now?

Or did he just spring this on you today?

How the f is it that the first point always nails it? Why? But yes, the first post always nails it.

How is it physically possible to eat a kilo of yoghurt a day? That’s just a massive quantity !

You both sound pretty wound up.

Can you book a holiday and actually relax? Your relationship sounds super SUPER stressful.

Don’t make any decisions in anger or fear. Go and calm the fuck down first. Yelling about workman at 7am just isn’t a decent way to live your life.

What a knob. He sounds like an entitled little prince with his 1kg of yoghurt and £15 steaks and fancy eggs. He’s your husband not your boss.

No wonder you're exhausted. Apart from anything you're having to stand up to someone who is trying to control everything and then kicks off like a kid if you don't go along with it. The 'you've ruined my day" was a bit immature from you but I can see where you're coming from.
I've also experienced the I'm ending the marriage, now I'm not side of things. I found it unsettling and lost my trust. Also the controlling abd expecting me to deal with everything on my days off too. I left because I couldn't hack it anymore. I'm not suggesting you do that but he needs to take some responsibility for being there for workmen etc and for his behaviour for you to feel ok. You need to look after your health both mentally and physically. Please don't get ground down. I did and am still taking time to get back to my true self.

This. You’re not on the same page with anything - suggest a chat about what you told us on here is in order.

As an aside, absolute pointless spending that much money on flooring. Keep it to help your child at uni and then facilitate leaving to move and live somewhere you actually like yourself.

Missing the point a little, but he eats 1KG of yoghurt A DAY? Is he made of yoghurt?

I eat a bowl of plain yoghurt with museli every day for breakfast and use it regularly in cooking and a kilo lasts us about 7 days and sometimes more.

I had a husband like this OP who was always threatening to leave and when I hit the menopause Id had enough of that shit and said well please fuck off then. Ive lived happily alone ever since. Unlike him.
He spent a few years begging to come back but I was done.

Well, I think that @NeverGetADayOff is in a much better position to know whether her day has been ruined, or not.

I expect that after the workmen have gone, the OP could have started to feel better, especially if she had got the support from here, that she definitely needs from somewhere. Unfortunately, she chose to come to Mumsnet, on a Saturday morning, where all the worst Mumsnetters seem to be on display today!

Dear NeverGetADayOff, I think you are an
amazing Warrior Woman, who has put up with far too much shit from your not so dear Husband, and if you don't want to actually separate (yet?) please try to fit in some counselling, because you need to understand just how strong and capable you are, and that if you decide that your life would be both calmer, and much more pleasant, without that controlling man child in it. The right - for you - counsellor, could help you greatly with building your confidence back up.

However, out of all the possibilities, please don't let it all return to your normal day to day struggle with life. 🙏 To start with, even the smallest of steps can begin with a similar progress to that of a tiny snowball, which, with a little bit of patience, and even more determination, can achieve the best and biggest body, and head, for a ginormous, and all powerful snowlady and but please don't wait for next winter to start that
process!! 🤗

Lastly, have you got a date for when your studying finishes completely, or maybe for the summer holidays, because I think that you are very much in need of a holiday, hopefully one without your husband, and maybe without your DC too. When I was roughly at the same stage of life as you are now, I used to (day) dream of just disappearing for a few days to my secret happy place. Maybe I should have really done it, and maybe, if you haven't got any young children, you should think about doing something similar?

I started typing this in the late morning, but then I had to do some boring stuff, and now it is almost the evening, so I hope that I haven't missed anything too important, or that you have all packed up for the night. I hope that by now your day has improved massively OP 🩷

The last man that started well tried to start an argument with me at 8am in the morning, found his stuff on the outside of the front door when he came back and the locks changed.

I like my mornings quiet.
Thank god im single.

Couldn't agree more. He's horrible and OP accepts it because she wants to stay married to him.

I can't see a single reason why.

Also, the 16 year old should be capable of cooking, and should be doing their own washing.

OP is just the house elf in this setup. Fuck that, it sounds miserable.

Why can't he buy his own yoghurt?

I read your posts but not the full thread. Forgive me if I'm repeating something already said. The first thing you need to do is tell him that there is to be no more of him making appointments for you on your day off, or on weekends, without ASKING you first. That means it must be phrased as a question and the appointment doesn't get made until/unless you say yes. If you say "no" he is to accept that. He will likely push back. How he does that, and how that discussion ends up (him yelling? Telling you it's time to divorce? Accusing you of all sorts?) will give you a LOT of information you can use to decide what to do next.

At this point, you have no control over your own schedule. You are being treated like his minion. It is demeaning, not to mention the way it means you can never have true rest because of the possibility he will burst in with some task for you, that totally changes your schedule, and that you MUST DO lest he punish you with verbal lashings. That is (IMO) why you feel so low. You need to set a boundary. You are allowed to do that. The question is, what does he do when you set a boundary.

I echo this post completely. When you have your own place, can financially stand on your own two feet and have a good network of friends, you will probably wonder why on earth you put up with this behaviour for so long.

Having your own place, and being able to live exactly as you want, is a very beautiful, empowering thing for a woman.