AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

Living in a clean home i.e food spills cleaned off the floor, clean bathrooms, not dusty, hoovered, clean clothes, bedding, towels, surfaces wiped down, dishes not piled up. All of those jobs are the absolute basic and need doing all week long.

If your child went straight into nursery after maternity leave, did you not feel independent play was highly important as they were going to become one of many children in a room? Mine loved looking through books, shape games, tons of other games and I loved to see them happily playing.

Independent play is something to be encouraged as part of a day filled with everything mentioned above.

This stuff amazes me. All it takes is 20-30 minutes a day to tidy round and clean a room. Sticking a load of washing on takes literally minutes. Spend 10 minutes prepping a dinner you can stick in the oven or stir fry later. Yes there will be the odd day this is hard, but if it’s genuinely not doable a few times a week after the first few weeks then the parent is struggling.

Bouncy chairs and slings are your friend here.

If they are really struggling to do anything at all then hand the baby over to the other parent when they get back from work and get some stuff done. This isn’t about it being Mum’s job, it’s about the working parent getting some time with the baby.

Probably best to have a chat with your partner to see how well she’s coping. Then if you still feel she’s doing less than is reasonable, you can always say you want to do the baby care instead of the chores when you get in. She has already set the grounds for it being a full time job with no room to multi-task, and this would give variety whilst you are both contributing to the essential family tasks (the childcare, chores and the household finances). Also gives you more bonding time. I don’t think any couple should be keeping a spreadsheet on who’s doing their bit and the hard work of doing the baby in the night shouldn’t go unrecognised.

so you did clean then? It’s just you said it was ridiculous to spend time cleaning instead of being with your baby.

I didn't live in squalor. I took 10 to 20 minutes at the weekend to clean basic things such as the bathroom just as I did when I went back to work.

Honestly i don’t understand people who can’t do basic things with a baby or even a toddler, I’ve got a v clingy 16 month old and I still find a way to cook/ clean at least the basics, it doesn’t take long and babies need to learn to play alone. I’d imagine though that some of these mums on here are finding time to watch Netflix all day but can’t simply empty a dishwasher.

There will always be certain circumstances on Mumsnet and no one would ever be able to answer a thread if we thought of all the individual reasons someone might struggle.

I have pointed out in my replies that being unable to do even the basics does indicate that the Mum is struggling.

But generally, MOST mums (some exceptions), will be able to do housework on maternity leave.

What about maternity leave when you already have 2, 3, 4 other kids? You realise you still have to get them to school for 8.40 5 days a week, keep on top of all the uniform, clubs, homework aswell as housework/laundry and entertain them in the holidays and weekends.

You can do stuff whilst expressing if needs be.

You think taking 10-20 minutes a day to clean basic things is ridiculous? You spent all day long with your baby doing what? Staring at them lying down, playing with the same toy over and over? Can’t babies spend some time alone doing tummy time while things get done? Not sure what the problem is. I personally couldn’t live in squalor just to play with my baby every minute of the day.

I was either sleeping when DD slept, or expressing milk, which I had to do every 3 hours day and night to establish and maintain my supply. That meant I had 3 hourly alarms on top of her night wakings so had to prioritise naps during the day and evening.

No I didn't play with them 12 hours a day. I also took them out, chatted to them etc etc. What i didn't do when i was on maternity leave was leave them to play by themselves so I could clean the fridge or mop floors. Not sure how my mental health would have been better if I had done that.

Ok you played for 12 hours plus with your child every day.

I played with them as babies, took them out every day, went to groups, met friends, chatted to them all day. I was also able to clean a bathroom whilst they happily played independently nearby (a key life skill).

It’s no wonder so many mums struggle with mental health if anyone thinks you can’t do a few jobs and still be a brilliant Mum.

Then we get ridiculous threads on Mumsnet like ‘can my 4 year old go in their secure garden on their own’.

How old is baby?

OK, fair. Perhaps during his working day he is using his lunch hour to food shop, or coming home to "help"?

So what about the other half of what I said: why did he think he would be doing less than normal?

I didn't hover. I played with them.

Her husband says its a mess. I've no idea why it would be.

So you hovered over your baby every minute of the day even when they were 6 months old and happily stacking blocks, playing with jigsaws, cars, trains?

I enjoyed every second (hence stayed as a sahm for several years), however the house doesn’t clean itself. The toilets/sinks need cleaning, floors need hoovering/mopping, laundry needs sorting daily, surfaces need wiping etc. Babies need to learn independent play. I dont think any health professional would say its a good idea for a parent to never leave their child’s side to do abit of housework in the day. That’s not normal in anyway.

Its very difficult to get things done when you have a baby, especially if you have a baby that wont be put down. We had to get a cleaner when I was on maternity leave.

Sorry, but afraid you are being unreasonable, or maybe fairer to say unrealistic. At this stage you will just have to accept that either some things won't get done, or if you need/want them done you will have to do them. Maternity leave can be about recovery and bonding as much as looking after the baby. It's not that looking after a baby is the hardest thing in the world - it really isn't - but that at that stage there are more important things than housework getting done.

SAHM or PT parent absolutely should be picking up more at home, but mat leave stage is different.

You said your house was immaculate which suggests you are doing more cleaning than most parents with a baby and a toddler. My house certainly wasn't immaculate when my DC were that age.

You should both be doing the housework, cooking ect not just you and you should be able to spend some time with the baby when you get home and at the weekend too. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to not want to come home to a filthy house and it is more than possible to do some chores with a new born. Life can't just stop because you have a baby. That said don't expect the house to be immaculate, get take away sometimes ect - don't make life harder than it needs to be and it isn't something worth falling out over. If really nothing is done it maybe worth considering if she is struggling mentally or just exhausted. Talk to her.

Exactly what most other parents are doing. I don’t leave my baby to fend for itself, but by keeping on top of things and a final clean up at the end of the day it’s not hard to do

Mine only slept for about an hour in the morning. Both partners should be running the home but that can be done in the evenings and weekends. I washed up after myself and didn't leave a mess but my maternity was for spending time with the baby.

Fair enough. I'm not a deep clean behind the fridge/immaculate kind of mum tbh!

What do you mean by "look after" and what do you mean by "quick clean"? You said your house is immaculate which suggest you are doing more than a quick clean which can't leave much time to actually interact with them given you have two children and no partner.