AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

In that case the OP probably couldn't manage a second either if they're already complaining about the extra work load when their first is still only a baby.

How can you outsource all the tidying, laundry, cooking etc? Unless someone has a daily housekeeper, it's impossible.

Absolutely the first might be at school, but that still means school runs, homework, cooking and cleaning after child, often still disturbed nights, . It's not like they suddenly raise themselves when they're 5.

If this woman truly has absolutely zero capacity to do anything other than care for her baby, and what some people have been suggesting on here, then she wouldn't be able to care for her 5yo either. If she had twins, she wouldn't be able to manage both.

In the case of a woman on maternity leave, after carrying a baby, giving birth to that baby and who is recovering from the pregnancy I am far more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt.

But if he says he can't do it either then as I said earlier they will possibly need to outsource it, what I don't agree with it is him deciding it's her job to do it and trying to dictate to her. If they both don't have time to do it why is it decided that it's the mothers fault?

Perhaps she would have a cleaner. Anyway, why would she necessarily have a newborn when the first was a toddler? Perhaps the first would be at school. Who knows?

When I went on mat leave I thought I would essentially be a housewife for the time I was off and keep the house clean and tidy and make dinner. The reality was very different. My baby didnt nap in their cot and I was on demand all the time and didnt even get a chance to shower some days. I hated the mess too but I just couldn't manage it all. So I understand why you think the way you do but the reality of being at home with a baby that isn't an 'easy baby' is very different.

@Avie29
What he said is very little and missing a lot of relevant information, hence why it's an absolute disgrace that women have been so quick to pile on and berate and degrade this woman.

She could well have said she couldn't because she was so tired and in pain etc etc and he said well I'm tired too and have a bad back and blah blah and he could have insisted it's her job to do because she has more time, to which she responded that she doesn't have time...we literally don't know but you're acting like you know everything from a few short sentences.

Maybe she does clear up after herself sometimes earlier in the day, OP only sees what's there when he gets home.

So if the op returns and says that he doesn't have the time either because he works, we should equally take that at face value and believe him?

Or does benefit of the doubt only work one way?

I know. I think people are reading a different post from the OP sometimes

Upthread it was even said that a woman shouldn't have to peel spuds if she had a disturbed night sleep. 9 years that I've been peeling spuds unnecessarily it seems 😂

I'm not sure what we are supposed to do if both of us have a disturbed night sleep, which happens fairly often. I guess we sit and starve in squalor!

It's not unfair for me to be concerned about how she'd manage a second, if even putting the dishwasher on occasionally is impossible for her. Toddlers require a lot more work than that (potentially far more than a newborn, depending on your perspective).

What do you mean by "housework" How much "mess" can there be if she is at home with one baby. It is probably a plate and a couple a mugs from lunch. He doesn't need to do her laundry either.

Well we can only go by what OP says which is she doesn’t have time, and going by that i call bull, going by 9-5 job thats 8 hours- she can’t find 20 minutes to do some housework? Even if its just clear her own mess? which surely just her isn’t much, cup, plate, utensils- takes 2 mins to wash up, put some laundry in the washing machine and turn it on-5 mins, pick up a few bits n bobs-5 mins, so 12mins and she can’t find that?

How do you know what she is or isn't able to do while looking after her baby? And why is it so important to you that OP doesn't have to wash probably a plate and a couple of mugs when he gets home.

It's one thing asking but she said she can't. It sounds like he has said it repeatedly despite her saying she can't.

So if it were me I would feel disrespected and in turn lose respect for him also. Perhaps his partner feels the same.

but if she couldn’t because she was healing, struggling mentally etc then that would be in the OP

Nope, people often leave out extremely relevant information in OPs.

He wrote a few short sentences and said she said she doesn't have time, she may well have said more.

It is not disrespectful to ask your OH to do some housework, yes just because other people can doesn’t mean she can- fine but if she couldn’t because she was healing, struggling mentally etc then that would be in the OP her reply was she doesn’t have time which is rubbish imo.

Yes of course plenty manage it, no one is disputing that, that doesn't mean that everyone manages it.

Just like with everything else in life. Plenty manage with all sorts of different circumstances, doesn't mean that everyone else does. Surely you know this??

Telling people that they should be able to manage it because other people can doesn't help in any way.

Well that's you, and not everyone is like that, I wouldn't be, and if my partner was annoyed at me over similar I'd be annoyed right back, more than annoyed actually because I don't have respect for men who don't respect women after they have carried and given birth to their babies and think they can put more demands on her when she's looking after that baby and recovering from what her body went through.

Where did i make an assumption? The OP has said he has to clean up her mess she has made throughout the day meaning she isn’t even cleaning up after herself, he has asked if he is being unreasonable to want her to do some housework and it is not unreasonable imo.

His complaint is that she isn't doing any housework in the day while she is at home with their baby. He hasn't said anything about evenings or weekends when he is there. You are making a lot of assumptions.

I don't think it that outrageous that your OH should be doing a bit of housework in the evenings and weekends.
yes i would still expect OH to do housework when they got home- not ALL the housework, which it appears OP is doing.

Have you ever had a job? Some are quite easy in comparison to looking after a small baby who doesn't sleep at night. I don't think it that outrageous that your OH should be doing a bit of housework in the evenings and weekends if you are looking after five children including a toddler who doesn't sleep. Working mothers have to do it.

There have been plenty of women on here saying they struggled, baby was poorly, had hard labours/births but still managed to get some housework done, honestly if i was out at work all day and OH was looking after the baby and i came home and he hadn’t even cleaned up after himself minimum i would be very annoyed.

Because looking after her baby is different to doing housework.

OP wrote a short few sentences and hasn't been back to clarify anything at all about the situation, but women are falling over themselves to berate and degrade this woman. The baby could be tiny, the mother could be struggling with her mental health, she could be in physical pain, but most don't care and just pile on. It's really disgusting.

Well if you are saying you couldn't do it then yes your OH should do it, unless he also can't do it, in which case you'd have to source outside help, what wouldn't be acceptable is him trying to make out it's your responsibility and criticising you for it not being done.

Well people are suggesting she can’t do housework so how she supposed to do any of that? If i go by the thread- im sleep deprived, and a mother to a young child so i shouldn’t have to do any of that, my OH should since he doesn’t do the night feeds isn’t looking after the baby all day.
if she wasn’t “keeping up with the housework” then i woild say well atleast she is managing some, and OP needs to let it go, but OP suggests she isn’t doing any.

At one point i had a 5yo a 3yo and newborn twins- they are 16,14 and 11 now, my breastfed 2yo hasn’t slept for more than 4 hours since newborn, yes i have been sleep deprived, still am, but i still do housework, even if some days its bare minimum of pop a load of laundry in the washing machine, washing up some dishes and general quick wipe down/tidy.

A woman on maternity leave isn't keeping up with the housework so her poor, poor partner has to do it and now the story has grown arms and legs with insinuations that if she had a disabled child she'd just leave them to it. 🙄Ridiculous

You know i think while my OH is at work im just going to not do any housework today, im pretty tired, 2yo had me up fair few times last night and i have been sleep deprived for over 2 years, im sure my other kids will be able to sort themselves out, not sure how my disabled son is gonna get himself dressed 🤔 and on the bus but meh im a mother and im tired from looking after my youngest 🤷🏻‍♀️ so sod everything and everyone else.