AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

Seriously????

If the baby only sleeps on her, or in a moving buggy?

Like what?

You’ve given absolutely no examples.

Do you mean a few pots and bottles that need washing up and sterilising?

Or do you mean mountains of mess, stuff everywhere, dirt and dust?

What is baby like? Are they very settled or are they colicky and crying most of the day?

Was she always like this?

If the answer is no, you know why she's not doing housework, so stop moaning, be glad she's looking after your baby and in a few months time review the situation.

If she's doing all the night wakings, she'll be knackered in the day.

I mean, not all babies nap. And some babies only nap if you're holding them, or walking with them in a carrier or pram. Hard to cook when you're doing loops of the park.

@FancyGoose Some days at work I did not have time to eat or pee and I was running from place to place to get things done. Still easier than taking care of (my) six month old. I knew what was expected of me and no one was screaming in my face the whole day. It did get increasingly easier after about eight months.

You fool, most women on this site hate men. There is no reason why your wife can’t help some. She had a baby, babies nap.

First four months I probably didn't get much done. Couldn't really even sit comfortably for over a month. After that I did do cooking/housework with the baby in a sling.

Then the baby learned to crawl, then walk, then to move things. After that the house did start looking a bit like a bomb site. She sees it as her mission to redistribute items/put stuff in weird places so that it takes ages to find. Idk, maybe other babies aren't like this.

I'm currently on mat leave with a newborn and some days I manage to run a hoover round, maybe even mop, other days I barely have time to pee. It depends on how much baby wants to feed, how bad his reflux is and how tired I am too, as well as whether we have anything planned for the day - be that medical appointments or just getting out the house to meet a friend or to go to the shops etc.

I will say that mat leave is a million times harder than working, although I appreciate this may depend on your job. But when I was working, even on the busiest days I would be able to pee whenever I wanted and make a few hot drinks. Most days, I got time to have a quick lunch, maybe even a walk and a bit of a chat/laugh with other adults at points throughout the day. And even if I worked a long day, I still got to clock off eventually and have an uninterrupted night's sleep and some time alone, even if only when commuting or for an hour before bed.

My first baby….it was easy to find the time, he slept well, generally a chilled baby. My second however was awful, recovering from a section, a worse than colic baby (think 24/7 screaming), a true Velcro baby who I couldn’t put in a carrier comfortably and who gave me tinnitus from the excessive screaming. I wasn’t ever able to prepare a lunch, I could only graze with the use of my one free arm, toilet breaks were near non existent if I was alone, sleepless nights……it was so horrendous I used to beg my husband to not go to work.

there is no one rule fits all….i would suggest dad takes baby for a day if possible and see how easy/hard it can be? Until he can experience a full day himself he cannot dictate what he deems possible. But also the young hard baby days will not last forever, it gets so much easier as baby grows up, even with work for her in the mix. Work was the break I needed to feel like me again and destress. Having the baby was far far harder than my ridiculously intense job with long 12 hours days.

im also pretty sure her living in a messy house is getting to her too! The overwhelm can be paralysing too.

Op said he has to tidy up the mess she has left during the day.
Not unreasonable to expect her not to leave a trail of destruction everywhere she goes or if she does spend a few minutes clearing it up.
Women have toiled in fields with newborns for millennia but apparently these days it’s too taxing and extremely unreasonable to ask for a cup to be washed because it’s ‘sooooo hard’

My guess is you are getting 6-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night, and nice coffee and lunch breaks at work, where you can eat and drink things that are hot and use both hands.
Until your wife is getting the same then you can STFU, and hire a cleaner.

Some of the comments from other mums on this thread are so disappointing when we know nothing of this mum’s situation or temperament of the baby etc. Those suggesting it’s easy to fit in housework throughout the day clearly haven’t had the same experience as those with a clingy baby who only contact naps and need near constant attention. My baby also wouldn’t even entertain the idea of a sling until a few months old so that wasn’t an option.

I have been breastfeeding, doing 95% of the nights, co-sleeping…all that is so time consuming and mentally and physically exhausting.

My partner understood that most days for the first few months I was barely able to find time to make myself a sandwich for lunch let alone take care of the house. Also, I had to get out the house most days to go to baby classes, walks, meet other mums to keep myself sane. I did always try hard to keep on top of the baby’s washing, because I had to make sure they had clean clothes, but there was no expectation to do housework. When my partner got in from work he would take over with baby and I would get some stuff done finally. Then we would both do the bedtime routine before I would put baby to sleep (breastfed and very clingy to mum) while he made a start cooking dinner for us.

The ‘big’ housework jobs like hoovering, cleaning bathroom, all get done at the weekend just like they did when we both worked full time. Except now instead of just sharing these things between us, we share them but one cleans while the other looks after the baby.

It seems to me that there are men out there ( my exH included) who express their jealousy about the attention the baby is getting by becoming critical of the state of the house. It's their immaturity showing.

Get up in the night every time your wife does for two weeks.

See how you function at work as the days progress.

A word of advice to you -
If you want to remain with this woman and bring up the baby together, give yourself a resounding slap in the face, roll up your sleeves, and do housework.

You need to get over yourself. You're not her boss, setting housework goals or criticizing the lack of visible housework.

Your partner spent nine months building an entire human being and then went through the delivery, without getting sleep afterwards to recover.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and man up.

It also depends on recovery. I set my c-section back by overestimating my capability. Not everybody's baby 'does nothing' either, otherwise new mothers wouldn't be so exhausted.

Maybe you could both consider other women's experiences to help you 'get it' instead of making proclamations based on your own narrow experience.

How much parenting are you doing? How much sleep are you getting?

Not at all, unless there's health issues you don't mention? And it's not a gender thing. I expect my husband to do things round the house if I'm working and he's not. And my grandad-who did work-made breakfast and tidied up Sunday mornings, and took his duaghters out so my gran could have a break, so if one man can, why not all of them?

Same tbh. Especially in the early months when they don't do a lot. My house was never so tidy as in the first 3 months with my first (slings helped). I think it's harder to do chores when they're are mobile, especially when they cause mess faster than you can tidy it.

No she shouldn't be scrubbing the floors and making it spotless, but cleaning up after herself, pottering, putting on dinner and the dishwasher isn't a huge ask.

Cleaning is mothering the ‘partner’ I suppose but that again isn’t the point of maternity leave.

I doubt It.

What makes me laugh is people who say to new Mums “oh sleep when the baby sleeps” and “well you can do all the night wakings because you are ‘off’ during the day, and so you can have a sleep during nap time”.

And then also berate her if she does, and expect her to be fitting in housework during that time. If you do expect she’ll be able to do that, then you need to do half of the night wakings, at least.

How much of these chores were you doing before the baby? That’s your baseline, and you’re looking to be doing more than that now as your partner is probably caring for the baby pretty much 24/7. The overall amount of work that needs to be done between the two of you has increased rather than decreased with her being on mat leave, so your share will increase as a result.

Of course there will be days when she manages to get some stuff done during the day, but she’s at home to look after the baby, rather than do housework.

@Cakeandcardio to be fair I did bottle feed but I had 3rd degree tear after second baby was born & still managed a baby, toddler & kept the house reasonably clean & clothes were washed, food shop done etc. I didn’t want to be surrounded by chaos. I don’t recall chilling on the sofa feeding like people mention on here. Maybe I got my priorities wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️