AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

I never said it was?

I'm speaking from experience (obviously). My baby hated the carrier and car seat. Would ONLY sleep in my arms or in the buggy. Luckily I have a good and supportive partner who didn't expect me to be a skivvy while looking after the baby 24/7.

He is currently primary carer for her, while I'm at work. The house is always in a mess when I come home, becuase looking after her all day is bloody hard work. I'd probably spend more time tidying than he does but he is doing brilliantly and the last thing I'm going to do is tear him down.

Different babies are different. Some sleep all the time, others are constantly awake, others cry and fuss a lot. Sometimes they all go through stages where they need to feed all the time. Sometimes they are much happier going out for the day than staying cooped up at home. Sometimes they wake 5+ times a night so mum is exhausted and just about functioning. What's your baby like? Do you know? Have you tried looking after them by yourself? Do you get the opportunity to have a peaceful coffee during your working day? If so suck it up.

OMG same. And I only had one. It felt like he screamed non-stop for ten months. He would also scream if I put him in a buggy; the only times he stopped screaming were when he was (fitfully) sleeping, or tied to my back and I was motion. I have never been so fit.

Totally dependant on the baby and your partner's situation.

I hate mess but at first (due to a couple of issues) it was so difficult to feed baby and put down, that some days I didn't even get dressed.

My husband thought the same then grew up and had since apologised for not realising how hard it is.

Yep of our babies were very high frequency feeders I spent most of my day feeding them when they were little.

He became the main carer during covid and now tells his friends if they moan looking after children of any age isn't as easy as it seems.

I think this is really unfair.
The OP does clean, he cleans the house after work. He comes home to do everything so there is no fear his penis will fall off.
It is exhausting too.
As I commented pages back, DC2 never stopped crying, I couldn’t do much but I brought DC1 to school everyday and fed both children. I couldn’t neglect DC1. It is a difficult life but not impossible, DH was exhausted too, nobody was relaxing.

Really depends on the situation. You haven't given us any information about how many night wakes your partner is doing vs you, or how the baby is. My first would not be put down at all without crying, was waking at most every 1 1/2 hours for the first year of her life. It was torture. My second was a dream by comparison, still poor sleep but happy to be put down, would nap without being held. I got so much more done.

Try taking on all the wakeups and looking after the baby for just one weekend and see how motivated you're feeling at the end.

Instead of making demands about housework why don't you ask your partner how they're feeling? I'm sure they don't want to be living in a shithole either so there is probably a good reason they're not doing much.

How old is the baby? It takes months for the body to recover from pregnancy & birth (longer if it was traumatic/injuries), plus add in breastfeeding, waking every 2 hours though the night, having to focus all your energy on keeping a tiny thing alive and happy - it’s absolutely exhausting. That’s before adding in any mental health difficulties like PND/PNA. Maternity leave is for the mother to recover & care for their baby, not housework. Perhaps get a cleaner if it’s bothering you that much.

My DH felt that not enough was being done around the house on my mat leave with our youngest. Then when she was about seven months old, I went back to work and he took over (shared parental leave).

I remember coming home to find the house looking worse than it had when I left, and him saying in astonishment: "You can't do anything! Either you're carrying her, or she's screaming!"

I may have laughed. But I was, and am, so grateful that the SPL opened his eyes to how invisibly hard it is to look after a baby all day.

They didn't "manage a few bits in the day" when they were put if the house working so have a long think about why you think you should be doing less.

Every baby is different. Both of my babies were category 10 clingers - I couldn’t put them down or strap them in a carrier, it was incredibly difficult to get anything done. They wouldn’t nap other than contact naps. I am a very active person and I hate it when the house is a mess. My DH looked after the baby for a few months when I went back to work and he found the same issue. We just knew whoever looked after the kids did that and whoever was working outside the house also did majority of the cleaning etc. Often I would get DH to take the baby when he got home so I could do the chores as a break from childcare!

Really depends, if baby sleeps fairly well at night, can be put down during the day etc then yes I wouldn’t think quite reasonable to get some housework in but not all babies are like that. I’ve had one baby I could probably have managed to WFH and renovate the house at the same time she was so easy but another I struggled to even get the dishwasher unloaded by the end of the day with. I can’t overemphasise how the experience of caring for one baby (or even toddler) and another can be night and day

Every baby is different. My baby struggles with sleep and needs a lot of support even at 6 months. I can very rarely get anything done at nap time.

I consumed a lot of social media content of mum’s doing full room renovation diy projects during nap times and feel sorely cheated! 🤣

I have just finished mat leave. Some days I could get maybe one or two things done, like fill up or empty dishwasher or do some washing but it was very difficult. Some days nothing got done. You’ve got to remember the baby’s needs are constant, they don’t sit and read the paper while you mop the floor. These things are actually very difficult to do, especially if baby is a light sleeper or your wife needs to catch up on sleep. You could support your wife instead?

Personally yanbu.

I'm currently on mat leave with my 3rd baby and although this one has admittedly been an easy baby in temperament, the size of our family inevitably means there's more mess and more laundry constantly and just generally more chaos!

I've got to get all 3 up and dressed as DP is often gone for work before 6am each day, do the school runs and childminder drop/pick ups. I'm up all night BF on demand, just like I was with baby number 2, and I still manage to function enough to put the laundry on and load the dishwasher.

Yes, maternity leave is for recovery and care of the baby but realistically, even if the baby doesn't nap for long (mine doesn't) it's not impossible to get things done.

her life has changed beyond recognition and she is probably beyond exhausted.

Yes this, don’t underestimate how lack of continuous sleep makes you very zombie. I got things done but it was a bumbling around spot cleaning, doing one room a day. There was no organisation. It was what can I get done in a quarter hour.

a baby doesn’t make mess. How does the house get messy in the first place? What is your baby like? One of mine wouldn’t be put down so if it’s like this it is challenging to get anything else done. All depends. What was she like before. Any PPD?

So when you say you work full time, so does your partner keeping a literal human alive. Not sure about the temperament of your baby but many babies won’t nap in the crib easily so it is hard to put the baby down and get chores done.

My first baby had reflux and colic. I could not put her down at all. So I put her in a baby wrap and then got on the with chores. I could clean, cook, do laundry, take a walk all with her snuggled up against me snoozing away. I could even nurse her in the wrap and only lift her up to my shoulder to get the burps out.

It’s so easy for resentment to build up in those early days of parenthood - you resent her ‘lazing around’ at home and the place still being a tip despite her being home all day, and she probably resents you being able to go out to work where you’re respected and paid well and get to enjoy adult company and lunch breaks. Resentment just breeds unhappiness though - you need to support each other and work as a team and right now she is probably the one most in need of support as her life has changed beyond recognition and she is probably beyond exhausted. Postnatal depression is a very real and serious thing and if she seems like she’s completely changed and is struggling, it’s worth bearing in mind. If you’re not currently taking sole care of the baby sometimes so she can have some time alone, start by doing that first. My first baby woke every 2 hours through the night, screamed every time I put her down, would only nap on me and never for more than 30 minutes, and honestly it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through - my house was a mess, I was constantly ill, and yes my partner and I resented each other (I’m sure he also wondered what I was doing all day - the answer was holding a screaming baby and trying to stop her screaming, mopping up sick, changing nappies, and yes sometimes watching ‘homes under the hammer’ in my pyjamas while she breastfeed and was finally quiet for 20 minutes). Be kind to her and tell her you know how hard things are and you appreciate what she’s doing - give lots of love and kindness and you will probably find you start getting more back. These days are hard but short and soon things wil change and get easier.

Exactly i have 4 and absolutely didn't have the luxury to just sit around doing nothing all day

It depends on birth injuries, but yes once she is recovered physically from the childbirth, she should be doing some of the housework while caring for the baby.

The fact she isn’t doing any housework is a sign that she may have post birth depression? Ask her how her day goes? How is she feeling? Does she go out with the baby at all?

How many days have you spent alone with the baby? And how much housework did you manage to get done?

Its because people on this site hate men even though op hasn't even stated if they're a man or a woman. Yes babies take up a lot of time but not all of your time otherwise how do people think parents with multiple children cope or single parents