AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

Try looking after the baby for a day after limited sleep and see how much you get done and you might appreciate more what she gets through in a day...

With my first I was either out walking trying to get them to nap or rocking them to nap or breastfeeding for hours then trapped under them for several more hours as they would generally only nap on me. He fed on and off all night and I rarely got 2 hours of sleep in a row, for months. I was absolutely exhausted and my priority was surviving the day. My DH would come home from work to no housework done, no food etc. I would hand over the baby and go nap before I had a breakdown. He didn't complain once

How old is the baby?
How much sleep is your partner getting?
Is baby fussy?
Is baby happy to be put down?

It took me a while to recover so for the first couple of months I struggled with certain things. As bay got older they were happy to be on their mat for an hour I could tidy. But some days were hard, not much sleep, fussy baby. My husband would come home I’d still be in pjs and been lucky to make myself some food.

You must know your partner well, op. Do you consider her the sort of lazy, selfish person who would ignore her responsibilities all day to make your life harder? If not, maybe assume that caring for a newborn is actually extremely difficult and time consuming, and do what every decent partner does and expect to pitch in a bit more.

I will say, if you do half the night waking and half the childcare when you aren't at work, then it's fair to expect her to do some of the housework. Is that the situation you are in? You take the baby solo every other night and half of the evenings? Of course she's still recovering from the physical impact of giving birth and maybe breastfeeding, so I still wouldn't expect her to do half the housework.

Honestly you sound like the selfish one here.

Second time around, I had PND and a very clingy unputdownable baby. I could barely get a shower when I was on my own with the baby, barely managing to eat etc. Housework was at the very bottom of my list of things to do today. YABVU so wind your neck in.

This is the question you choose to answer? Not any of the many about the state of the house after your day with the baby? No words. This isn’t sinking in. You have your selfish view and that isn’t going to change. Plus you post this instead of “How can I support my partner who gave birth to our baby for us?”. I’m actually pretty discussed by this. You need a huge attitude shift before you waste this woman’s life being married to you.

Well, yes. Not the lot but a significant stake. The founder is bailing out.

It depends on your child. My first child was a very high maintenance baby and toddler, I could hardly get anything done, it was a very hard time and I needed a lot of support from my husband who worked at the time. My second baby is a dream in comparison, I can get stuff done at the house.

Wait, what? Sold to America?

'Keeps the baby alive'!

Dramatic much?

How old is the baby??
I only tended to the babies needs for the first few months but that did included their washing, sterilising etc etc but after I had physically recovered from childbirth I would say I did 75% of everything as I did beforehand. When I went back to work it went back to 50/50.

I got the feeling the OP was American. They really did believe there was a thing called house working leave. It was late evening too when they posted.
Sometimes you can see the American threads/posts when parts of America has woken up. That and phrases/spellings used. But also sometimes a real lack of knowledge.
And perhaps was hoping the thread would be along the lines of agreement with him…..getting the little UK ladies in line…Mumsnet don’t forget is being sold to America soon.

Not sure if this has been asked? How old is the baby?

Presumably you managed to lookafter yourself and the house around work before you had a baby @Cljw . WTF would you expect our workload to decrease after you decide to become a parent? Would you expect someone working a night shift with caring responsibilities at home to get all the housework done?

Fundamentally, it is a major breach of trust for you to suddenly assume that your OH, who was presumably also working and looking after herself and house prior to having a baby, has suddenly become a lazy sponger.

If you want to maintain this relationship, you need to trust your partner. You assume that they are trying their best and roll your sleeves to share the load when you get home.

I think atm you are at work and DP is caring for small baby. They both keep you busy so chores should be shared. It isnt unreasonable for you to do some tidying cleaning or cooking but it would be unreasonable for you to do it all.

If your complaining sometimes theres a mess YABU. If youre complaining theres always a mess and its always left to you YANBU to expect your DP to do a share.

It’s not such a simple binary, or about priorities but individual circumstances.

What you’re describing in terms of birth injury sounds difficult. I had an emergency c section and basically ignored quite a lot of the medical advice so I could get out straight away on long walks with my baby so that he would fall asleep in the pram and I could try to manage my mental health a bit. However, as we will both know well, these things can be very limiting at the start. It’s worth being aware though that for a lot of women the lack of time/capacity to do things continues for other reasons.

I’ve spent a lot of time on the sofa, for example, but not through choice - my baby is an absolute monster feeder and even now at seven months can have feeds that last up to two hours. He’s also a big contact napper so it’s rare that he ‘goes down’ for a nap separately to me. This is incredibly difficult for me because I have ADHD so sitting still for so long is tortuous. I would love to get more done and race around in the very short windows that I do have - but I would never judge anyone who uses that time for basic self care or recuperation.

Everything that I get done during the day is now done while I supervise him playing, but he needs a lot of direct input with that too and I can’t do anything at more than a 10-15 minute stretch.

It’s worth being aware as well that breastfed babies tend to have longer feeds and sleep less deeply than formula fed babies so a breastfeeding mother might have (a) worse nights and need to catch up nap during the day (though I’ve never been able to do this myself because of contact napping) and (b) longer/more frequent feeds and less time to get things done.

Just to add, my husband did half of the nights with my bottle fed baby (properly half, not just being up when he would have been anyway), and did as much as he could with my breast fed baby.

So I'm coming at this from the assumption that your a decent dad and taking on 50% if the babywork when you're not at work! If not, that's the first thing to sort out.

You do not sound like a kind and understanding husband.

If you run your finger along a surface to show the dust and feel some huge sense of entitlement or even envy of your wife just because you go out to work and she's at home taking it easy in your eyes, this is bad news for your family. Exh was like this and much worse.

Utter empathy bypass and huge male entitlement.

You need honest and open communication. Is she struggling? Is the baby not sleeping? Lots of partners take the baby the moment they get home so the Mum can get a shower and have a few mins to herself.

I've been a single mum since before my child was two. Let me tell you, the days when all I do is go to work (when ex has our son...when I am not on leave ....which is very rare).... It's life on absolute easy mode. I can never believe how easy it feels.

If you love your wife and child, give your head a wobble and have an honest chat without judgement. You need to pull together. Honestly, two of you.. shouldn't be hard. Some of us had to do the whole lot alone.

It's very nice of PPs to give examples of their own experience of mat leave with a baby. To @Cljw who so couldn't give a fuck that they don't give basic info such as the age of the child.

I struggled on maternity leave looking after baby and me (birth was traumatic and I had injuries to manage).
My hormones were shot to bits.
I was sleep deprived.
Housework was the last thing on my mind. I did manage to get clothes washing done, dishes in dish washer, kitchen surfaces were clean and tidied baby gear away, but dusting and floor cleaning (unless there was a spill) got left.

The amount of time you have with a young child is very limited.

She has had a full on day. The time when baby naps is catch up time and she will often need a nap too.

Maybe you could ask her to do a specific task, like tidying up or clothes washing so it's easier for you when you get home to focus on tea.

It won't be long before she should be able to find time.

Carry on doing what you can.

Oh, and I'd be careful with whole 'why doesn't he try it for the day'. When my first was about 4 days old, my husband got up with the baby sneakily to let me sleep, blitzed the entire kitchen and cooked me breakfast in bed whilst baby slept in the sling.

They? Her and the baby? 🤣

This.

Neither of mine napped independently, but stuff to do, so a lot of the time they napped in the sling when I got on with life.

I did more trapped in the sofa with sleeping baby naps with my first, but very much realised that was a luxury if I was choosing because I could (and then did some chores other times), because that wasn't an option with my second. Same for feeding, it was often breastfeeding in the sling.

What I don't understand is how many women here seem to think it's unreasonable for the new mum to do anything, because even making a cup of tea is impossible, yet when it's your second or beyond, you somehow manage to keep a toddler alive, toileted, fed.

I'm definitely not saying mums should be stuck at home doing the chores, and there were days I didn't do much, but that's because we were out a lot, and I tried to balance that with not leaving everything a complete tip, putting dinner in the slow cooker etc.

Obviously if you're feeling rubbish from the birth, or have PND it's different, and it's important to follow your body. But we have been doing this for thousands of years. In general it doesn't render us incapable of multitasking for months on end.

Ps: c sections mum of non sleeping, contact napping babies, one of which was very colicky.

Yes I would expect housework to be done . Life
doesnt stop just because she’s had a baby.

is she a first time mum ? These are often the ones who struggle to understand that ! If she had older kids then she will know that the daily grind continues !!

@Cljw - you need to understand that your wife is also working full time; she’s just doing it from home and it’s unpaid. Particularly if she’s up with the baby in the night, she needs to rest when your baby is sleeping, not do housework. As others have suggested, why don’t you do sole childcare for your baby for a day - being properly attentive to your baby’s needs - and see how much housework you get done. Mat leave is for caring for a baby; not doing housework.