To ask if you believe that as a grandparent, you should be responsible if your teenager had a baby but then refused to take care of it?

And many don't. My ex ( and his siblings) we all adopted as small babies from different birth families. None of them has the slightest interest in finding out about them

I think more of the problems these days with adoption is that it's so slow and they keep trying to put kbaby with birth families and member and only when it repeatedly fails are they given for adoption. By then they've often stayed with a variety of carers and are older.

In an ideal world grandparents would be able to step up to support their child and grandchild. However there are so many variables I don't think its possible to give a blanket yes or no. Physical/mental health issues, financial issues, living arrangements and a myriad of other things could mean grandparents are unable to step up and any decision made about where a child should live and with whom should be made solely in their best interest.

Its not a black and white answer. There could be many reasons why a grandparent is unable to care for their grandchild: illness, disability, finances, lifestyle factors, not having a big enough house, or simply not wanting to take on that kind of responsibility. It's a huge commitment, raising a child, and no-one should feel obligated into doing it, grandparent or not.

Edited to add: I would absolutely have helped my daughters if this had happened to them when they were teenagers, but I'm saying that everyone's circumstances are different and it may not always be possible.

I’m mid 40s and have been raising DC for 20+ years.

I haven’t been broody in almost a decade and the idea of having another baby horrifies me. But yes I’d step up if my DC had a baby and couldn’t cope. I’d be annoyed and it would scupper my plans but I couldn’t let my grandchild be neglected or go into care.

My personal situation with my own teen who is 16 - if she told me she was pregnant and adamant she wanted to keep the baby I would support her to be a mum. I would teach her how to do things for the baby but I’d be expecting her to make the decisions and do the rearing under my guidance which I would hopefully be able to step back on in time.

In a situation that was more dramatic-
one of my children was involved in drugs/abuse etc then I would take care of the baby myself if I had to rather than see it go into care. However, if this scenario happened in ten years time I would have to see how capable I was by that point as I’d be close to retirement.

I agree with this. For the child's long term wellbeing, its almost always better to stay within the family than to go into foster care or even adoption, unless there's abuse or neglect involved. Adoption is really quite traumatic even for babies, many often grow up with an insatiable desire to know their blood relatives.

If your teenager gets pregnant you’re under a moral duty to ensure that they make the right decision for them. In the vast majority of cases that’ll be for them to get an abortion.

What’s with all the weird threads about grandparents caring for grandchildren lately?

Yes, I think parents should be responsible for their children until they are 18. That includes financial assistance if they get pregnant and liability for the cost of criminal damage etc.

My youngest is almost 18, I’m 58. There is absolutely no way I could step in if they couldn’t or wouldn’t look after it. I still work full time and couldn’t afford not to. I’m physically not capable of being stretched any further without significant impact to my health. And having put my physical and mental health in the back burner for the last 25 years I’m not prepared to do it for any longer.

It's a really tricky situation. I'm close to 2 lady's who's teenage children have had children & they are hugely involved because quite frankly the grandchildren will end up in care if they aren't involved. It fills me with horror! Imagine just getting through the teenage stage with your kids, you think 'I'm almost there with this child rearing' & you're are starting again.

I was a teen mum. I was 15 when ds was born. I left school in Yr10.

My mum made it very clear she wouldn't care for my baby.
She actually moved to the other side of the UK when ds was 11 months.

It was her choice but I wouldn't have done that to my dd.

It really depends on the situation. I don’t think I could bear to see my grandchild taken into care and DH and I would be able to step up - not exactly what we want but we would make it work somehow.
My grandparents basically raised one of my cousins and I think she had a much better life than she might have done if they hadn’t taken her in.
I understand some grandparents feeling like they just can’t do it though

Is it likely the teenager had a baby so young due to being neglected by their parents? If so, I do feel it’s kind of the grandparents responsibility.

If my child had a child, that they were unable to care for, and wanted me to do so, then of course I would, BUT there are MANY reasons why this might not be the case for other people.
Eg
How the child was conceived
Who the other parent is
Financial status of all involved
Health status of all involved, including the baby
Mental health

oh good grief here we are in oojie woojie land again

A relinquished baby could be placed as 'foster to adopt' pretty quickly. They wouldn't be in 'the foster system' for years.

A family with desire time and energy could be way better than grandparents already in late 50s or early 60s who would be nearing 80 (if not dead) by the time the child was an adult.

Should? No.
But I absolutely would. A loving familiar guardian is better than the foster care system. Even better if there are members of the family who are a bit younger and already parents who can step up. And, before we bring age and disability into it, kids are raised very well by disabled people all the time. Love is the key.

If anything happened to my cousin, I would take in her three children. If anything happened to my close friends, I would happily take in their two children. I have friends who have said they would happily raise my children in the worst case scenario. That's community.

Overall no, grandparents are not responsible for their grandchildren. That’s the ‘technical’ right answer. But of course some grandparents might choose to be involved to one degree or another, and that’s great if it works for them and they can afford it, health is ok etc…. Other variables will come into play such as the age and capability of the parent, where they live, if it’s with you, if the grandparent is still legally responsible for the parent (in the case of a teen pregnancy for example), stuff like. But as a general rule no, grandparents can’t and shouldn’t be compelled to take on the responsibility.
I’ve made it perfectly clear to my pre teen that if she is stupid enough to become pregnant as a teen, I won’t be providing childcare as I work full time and have a mortgage to pay. Not sure if that’s the sort of scenario you are referring to. I have a good, open relationship with her and it’s my responsibility to educate her and, if necessary, to make sure she is on contraception if she’s sexually active. She is well aware there is literally no excuse apart from rape for unplanned pregnancy. Sorry/not sorry if that sounds harsh.

Agree with this. Ultimately it’s what is best for the child. If it can be brought up well with love, energy, sufficient resources and support then staying within the extended family network would be perfect.

For many reasons this may not be possible though in which case it may be preferable to consider adoption to another loving family.

Every situation is different but at my current age, health and financial status I would definitely take on a grandchild if needed.

This, @Namechangerextraordinaire1 where are you coming from?
-gp whose child is asking this of you-
-dc who is expecting their parent to parent their child
dgc who feels abandoned for not being looked after by gp?

would the gp be expected to parent both child and the teen?
would they be expected to the grunt work and the teen parent was the fun one?

Not a popular view but as someone who was adopted as a baby I think that letting a baby be adopted by a loving family is so much better than all the crap these days where SS will try to keep families together at all costs often missing the window of opportunity for a successful adoption. Nobody who has a choice wants to see a family member in the dysfunctional foster system, I could never let that happen to my kids’ kids, but if there was a scenario where a baby would be loved and cherished by people young enough to hopefully see that child grow up I could see that being in the best interests of the child. Lots of arguments against it of course but just my opinion.

I've put yabu purely because this is far too messy and emotionally complex for aibu. There is no 'should'.

I find on MN some people are far too quick to say other people should take on children not of their making just because they are related without considering the overall circumstances.