To tell in-laws to do one?

If you say do @FriendlyMedusa. However, I would have always spoken out if either my parents, or my MiL, had a moan about, or insulted my DH, If I thought that would make my DH feel awkward, I would have done it when he wasn't there. Whenever there is a Mumsnetter thread about people being rude to the OP in any sort of social situation, most of the responses say that the OP has a husband/partner problem if he didn't speak out in defence of his wife/partner.

IMO, there shouldn't be a sex diference in that sort of situation. If my DH actually forbade me from saying anything (and he wouldn't), I would refuse to personally spend any more time in their company until both my DH and me both had received what sounded like a sincere apology, with the promise to try to not say anything like that again, and for them to agree to be pulled up on it straight away if they do, so that nothing festers.

But you haven't chosen to do either of those things, FriendlyMedusa, you have apparently chosen to let it happen every time they see your DH, so in effect you are giving them the message that it is fine for them to be constantly so negative about their DS, and to everyone else - possibly including your DH - that you appear to care more about their hurt feelings, than you do about your own DH's. If you would prefer to wait until you feel calmer, and then to write a letter to them, where you can think carefully about how you word it first, then maybe do that instead? I just feel that I should add a little reminder here, that the written word can usually last much longer than any words that might be either misunderstood, or said in haste in the heat of the moment.

I do hope that you can all adapt appropriately, and can therefore, at least tolerate any future visits between yourselves. If things are really in a dark place at the moment, does your DH have someone like an uncle that both 'sides' trust, and who would be willing to mediate during a set meeting between the four of you? Good luck.

They haven't actually knocked on our door but have sent a text saying they're parked up somewhere nearby. 😳

Actions speak WAY louder than words. Always.

If you say do @FriendlyMedusa. However, I would have always spoken out if either my parents, or my MiL, had a moan about, or insulted my DH, If I thought that would make my DH feel awkward, I would have done it when he wasn't there. Whenever there is a Mumsnetter thread about people being rude to the OP in any sort of social situation, most of the responses say that the OP has a husband/partner problem if he didn't speak out in defence of his wife/partner.

IMO, there shouldn't be a sex diference in that sort of situation. If my DH actually forbade me from saying anything (and he wouldn't), I would refuse to personally spend any more time in their company until both my DH and me both had received what sounded like a sincere apology, with the promise to try to not say anything like that again, and for them to agree to be pulled up on it straight away if they do, so that nothing festers.

But you haven't chosen to do either of those things, FriendlyMedusa, you have apparently chosen to let it happen every time they see your DH, so in effect you are giving them the message that it is fine for them to be constantly so negative about their DS, and to everyone else - possibly including your DH - that you appear to care more about their hurt feelings, than you do about your own DH's. If you would prefer to wait until you feel calmer, and then to write a letter to them, where you can think carefully about how you word it first, then maybe do that instead? I just feel that I should add a little reminder here, that the written word can usually last much longer than any words that might be either misunderstood, or said in haste in the heat of the moment.

I do hope that you can all adapt appropriately, and can therefore, at least tolerate any future visits between yourselves. If things are really in a dark place at the moment, does your DH have someone like an uncle that both 'sides' trust, and who would be willing to mediate during a set meeting between the four of you? Good luck.

As I've already said in this thread, DH says he's not ready to cut them off and wants to "be a better son", will wax lyrical about how he's going to see them more often and fix their relationship etc... Then functionally just ignores them.

So, that puts me in the difficult position of not knowing whether to support with what he says or what he does.

And I do understand PILs must feel ignored and shit. But there's a very good reason DH does his best not to think about them and runs at every possible opportunity. Maybe I need to be more vocal about telling him there's no shame in cutting someone off.

Ironically I haven't wanted to push him in any direction because I don't want to be just another voice telling him what to do, or be blamed later if he decides to cut them off and regrets it.

You're just writing fanfiction about your own biases, to be honest.

Mental abuse, hating them and so on??I've never said a bad word to them and try my best to be polite, sometimes to the detriment of DH because I don't want to offend or have drama. I'm the one gently reminding DH that if he does want to see them it's been a few months and we should make an effort. I've had (fair) criticism for that in this thread.

FWIW they call DH lazy every time they speak to him on the phone and in person, nothing to do with me.

"I don't know who you think you are but we aren't children to be threatened with consequences. We've told you no so if you want to waste your time driving here then you do that, we won't be seeing you. In fact, you're not welcome in our home either until you can act like respectful adults."

“We dont leave chaotic lives, but we’re not retired like you are. How about xx of June?” Done

Good grief who on earth drives some distance to someone’s house when they’ve been told it’s not convenient and that they can’t stay! Do they really think you’ll welcome them in and you’ll all have a lovely time after being told no !
That is really quite arrogant behaviour

As I've already said in this thread, DH says he's not ready to cut them off and wants to "be a better son", will wax lyrical about how he's going to see them more often and fix their relationship etc... Then functionally just ignores them.

So, that puts me in the difficult position of not knowing whether to support with what he says or what he does.

And I do understand PILs must feel ignored and shit. But there's a very good reason DH does his best not to think about them and runs at every possible opportunity. Maybe I need to be more vocal about telling him there's no shame in cutting someone off.

Ironically I haven't wanted to push him in any direction because I don't want to be just another voice telling him what to do, or be blamed later if he decides to cut them off and regrets it.

I'm not sure why seeing them for a couple of hours would be a problem.

As I've already said in this thread, DH says he's not ready to cut them off and wants to "be a better son", will wax lyrical about how he's going to see them more often and fix their relationship etc... Then functionally just ignores them.

So, that puts me in the difficult position of not knowing whether to support with what he says or what he does.

And I do understand PILs must feel ignored and shit. But there's a very good reason DH does his best not to think about them and runs at every possible opportunity. Maybe I need to be more vocal about telling him there's no shame in cutting someone off.

Ironically I haven't wanted to push him in any direction because I don't want to be just another voice telling him what to do, or be blamed later if he decides to cut them off and regrets it.

If he's avoidant has he form for messing them about, hence they've taken the bull by the horns and announced their trip?

Tbh a broken finger, pet death and job issues all sound like normal day to day challenges so as long as they're staying in their camper just go out and leave them to your dh.

It's hard. Sometimes I think they are trying to be helpful, but DH gets a lot of very unkind and unsolicited "advice". We try to ignore most of it as it can get quite insulting. E.g. they have no problem openly calling him lazy or saying he's bad at everything. He just sits there and takes it - Which is irritating because it's me dealing with the emotional fallout when they leave.