To tell in-laws to do one?

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

wow have you actually read the thread?

really? I mean really?

I wouldn't even answer the door

What are the consequences?

Why can’t you meet them for a couple of hours?

The obvious solution that a lot of people are doing including us is putting family in air b & b or even a budget hotel. UK houses are generally small & don't have guest accommodation. This way you can see your family but everyone has their own space. It also sets boundaries.

Oh come on. Let’s just take two facts. That they last came to stay a couple of days before the op and her dh were MOVING HOUSE. That makes them completely entitled uncaring head cases on its own. But let’s use two facts- they threaten to cut the ops dh out of their will. If you think the op might be the toxic one having read these, you should think carefully about how you interact with others. Have you threatened to cut your dc out of your will yet? Do you deliberately make lots of work for your dc at already full on times in their life like moving house?

But do your parents only get to see you once or twice a year nixon? Do you ring and chat to your parents quite frequently, and if your parents live a long way away do you ever go to visit them instead, hopefully not including that in the once or twice a year that they are allowed to see you? In fact, the OP says that her DH's parents coming to see them is often a last minute thing, and having seen all of the OP's replys so far, I imagine that they don't give much notice for their visits because in the past when they have done so, it has given the OP the chance to think up why they can't come on that occassion, after them having already started to look forward to seeing their son - yes, I deliberately left out looking forward to seeing their DiL, because it must be hard to look forward to seeing someone who obviously hates and resents you.

I wonder if the OP and her husband ever invite them to stay, as from the OP's later posts I don't think that they do. I think that if the OP and her DH don't want to make the journey all the way to his parents, then they - the OP and her DH - should be inviting them to stay, at the very least, every 4 months. It is not as if they even have to make a bed, and bedroom available to them, as they apparently sleep in their motor home. As for the MiL calling her son lazy - which they were silly to do, but I think that emotions were probably running very high at that point, I wonder if it was in response to having been turned down for a visit to the OP's home, and in reply to the OP, and their son, refusing to drive to see them, probably citing it as being too far? I can imagine that in that sort of phone call, the MiL or the FiL might have accused their son of being too lazy to make the journey.

I really hope that my post here doesn't sound as if I am having a 'pot' at you nixon, as I am most certainly not! In fact it was your previous post to the OP, and her response to you, that made me realise just how much I would love to hear the in-Laws reply to the OP's damning character assassination of her in-Laws. I now think that in all probability, it is much more likely that the OP is the one who has been causing the most mental abuse in that relationship. Which still doesn't excuse the in-Laws awful texts, but it might go somewhere to explaining them? Figuratively speaking, I am expecting a lot of red arrows for my change of heart!

@Andthatmyfriendisthat She can still back him up without communicating with them though.

Provided he makes absolutely no decisions about them dumping themselves on OP's doorstep without her input, then yes that would be ideal. But the problem is that, as they are bullying control freaks, he might struggle to withstand their abuse without OPs backup.

@FriendlyMedusa Honestly, I'd advise you to step back and let him handle his relationship with his parents. Stop communicating directly with them and let him handle any contact going forward. Listen to him if he wants to talk about their relationship but just be a sympathetic sounding board.

I'm guessing that you have a very different relationship with your own parents and it must be hard to navigate this mess.

As I've already said in this thread, DH says he's not ready to cut them off and wants to "be a better son", will wax lyrical about how he's going to see them more often and fix their relationship etc... Then functionally just ignores them.

So, that puts me in the difficult position of not knowing whether to support with what he says or what he does.

And I do understand PILs must feel ignored and shit. But there's a very good reason DH does his best not to think about them and runs at every possible opportunity. Maybe I need to be more vocal about telling him there's no shame in cutting someone off.

Ironically I haven't wanted to push him in any direction because I don't want to be just another voice telling him what to do, or be blamed later if he decides to cut them off and regrets it.

They haven't actually appeared at our house (yet). No idea if they will. They are still sending hourly messages to DH trying to bargain him into seeing them since they're so close by, which he is dutifully ignoring.

I considered a hotel but didn't want to be bullied out of my own home and frankly, couldn't be arsed. That does mean we've spent the whole day unable to relax. Obviously we would not answer if they appeared, but it's still not nice to have to think about.