To tell in-laws to do one?

you don't have to make a firm decision, just do what he does, avoid talking to them and let it drift. when you get shit like this, say you will see them when they show better manners.

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

The other interesting thing about these messages, beyond their rudeness, is the way they deliberately reinforce the power dynamic. I would at the very least reverse that - you and your husband are adults, you have agency and power of your own.

"These outrageous message are an excuse not to spend time with you."
"You have really upset DH and I. This is not acceptable."
"You will not be welcome at OUR home again until you apologise for these messages."
"If you drive up uninvited and attempt to force yourselves into our home, there will be consequences."

This. I think "do one" is a mild response and am not sure why you want to keep things sweet if they are so abusive to your husband.

The only reason I am suggesting OP goes away is because it sounds like they have had a dreadful time of it and could do without the drama of ignoring PILS banging on the windows etc.

I am tough as old boots and could easily ignore this, but I am not convinced OP and her DH are in the right frame of mind to stand up to these abusive bastards face to face.

I also think this is ideal. Please do send something along these lines.
No one could say you're being unreasonable.

And I would not plead with them to give you a few more weeks. Fuck that shit. They don't come until they've apologised. And they won't. Job done.

I’d tell them they are not welcome in your home until they respect you. Nor will you be meeting with them for any length of time given their behaviour.

It seems to me they have spotted an ideal opportunity to kick DH while he is down, and they don’t want to miss it.

You need to be strong for him and say you absolutely will not be dealing with PILS going forward.

With any luck they will go NC with you and his lifelong ordeal will be over. 💐

Oh that old chestnut ...the cut u out of will thing! I'd just say do your best ,youre not holding us to ransom. They think your husband is still about 8,talking to you like that.
Go out for the day x

I would simply say 'we won't be seeing you this weekend, or in fact any weekend unless you've been invited and it's been agreed by all of us'. No need to go out for the day or away for the weekend. They are abusive and your H will end up no contact with them eventually. They are truly hideous. Lock the door. Ignore them if they arrive. If possible, make it difficult or impossible for them to park on or near your house.

This is perfect.

All suggestions about going away for the weekend, being out etc are fine but (a) would add fuel to the fire as it looks like you ARE fine to do stuff just not with them and (b) he’s been made redundant, money is too tight for last minute weekends away.

I do agree with PP who said DH needs to protect himself against their judgement - now, and for the long term.

If your husband is financially independent, you don’t need those threats. Live your life without their control and make a stand. They sound dreadful.

DH did your role for me at one point - trying to keep the peace, trying to keep me sane. In hindsight, I wish he'd done more to keep me grounded, but he said he didn't want to push me.

Just keep listening to him. You know him best.
Also, sorry about your DCat. We lost ours about 2months before the shit hit the fan with DH, so I know how hard it is - you start to think the whole world is against you. 💐

So your husband only maintains a relationship out of fear, obligation, guilt? Stop making him. He's been controlled and emotional blackmailed by his parents all his life. Stop facilitating their continued abuse. Normal people don't send messages like that.

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

These are outrageously rude texts. I wouldn't hesitate to cut anyone who spoke to me like that out of my life completely. Not welcome at their home again? I call that a win-win. You say you're tempted to give in for an easier life... but think about how much easier life would be if they weren't in it at all.

The problem is obviously that it's your husband's place to make any big call about going nuclear, and whether he wants to maintain the relationship at all. And it sounds like they've done (and continue to do) an absolute number on him. And it's hard for you to act unilaterally if he's not on board.

Still, giving in to their nonsense isn't an option at all. I'd strongly encourage your husband to take a step back and look at his overall relationship with his parents, and think about whether this is something that benefits him or whether he needs to stand up (or cut out) their borderline-abusive behaviour. Encourage him to read about toxic parents, encourage him into therapy.

As for the immediate issue, there isn't a chance that anyone who spoke to me like that would be setting foot in my house. I would simply not open the door. If your husband has not got to the place where he can refuse to see them, he can meet them somewhere else.

You say you're not going to tell them to do one in so many words. I would rethink that! Their behaviour more than merits it.

They sound abusive.

It sounds like they are really worried but also misguided.

Perhaps have an open discussion with them and explain how you feel eg we are both feeling vulnerable at present. We are worried about finances and DH is very low / feeling demoralised. Sadly when you visit this adds to the strain as DH feels judged. We need friends right now who can be supportive so if you can be that by all means visit but don’t expect entertainment.

Why would you have any relationship at all with them? They're horrible bullies, no wonder he has low self esteem.

I think this is really good, as well as reasonable. They do sound a nightmare and your reaction is normal, but I'm wondering if there is something else going on too? Could they have some bad news like illness that they need to tell you and that they're scared about so they are being more aggressive than usual? It depends a bit of they are always like this I guess.

I think I’d send one more message, not being in any way confrontational, but just assertive & say; we recognise you’re disappointed and upset and we’re sad )MIL) is upset, but please just try to understand that this really isn’t a good time, for all the reasons already shared. Give us a few more weeks for things to settle on our end, and then we we will be in a better position to spend quality time with you. We’d ask that you please respect this and don’t read into it more than it is. Something like this? If they ignore something as direct, clear & kind as this, then there’s probably a storm a brewing! Good luck OP.

Can you leave it so they can’t even park their camper van on your driveway?

Definitely go away. They sound like utter cunts.

Yeah. You need to keep them away from him at the mo.
Losing his job will have hit him hard - my DH was made redundant a few years back, and really struggled physically as well as mentally for a few months until he got back into work (quite a niche profession).
He knows them best.
He doesn't want to see them I suspect he thinks they'll kick him while he's down.
Is there anywhere you can go? Friends, your family, dirt cheap BnB?