To tell in-laws to do one?

My mother used to do this! We called her bluff and she went into a total panic.
Whatever you do, DO NOT crumble. Just repeatedly tell them you are busy and can't see them. Maybe archive the group for the weekend, then If they do travel up and have tantrums without seeing you, after the weekend you just message that you did tell them you were busy, so you were surprised they travelled up.

If he is not yet ready to cut ties, do you think you could support the avoidance more and the agreeing to see them less? By this I mean instead of agreeing to June, suggest July? taking on some or all of the communication with them so he doesn't have to (yes I know this is not the usual advice) If the do turn up uninvited, you be the one to answer the door and tell them to go away. It strikes me that he needs defending while he is getting his head straight (counselling?) and its reasonable for a loving partner to do this. I maybe haven't put this very well. I have been in a similar although less severe situation and my approach was that i would not tolerate such behaviour towards someone I cared for.

If the "consequence" is that they don't contact you anymore then I would call that a win!

I'd take yourselves off to a hotel and turn off your phones. You shouldn't have to do that, but it will save some hassle.

Sorry if I have misinterpreted; I know how difficult it is to convey the subtleties of a situation on a MN thread. However you did say “I'm generally the one trying to keep things sweet” which I understood as meaning you take an active part in communication and the relationship with them.

If this is the case then I would stop it. It may be hard on your DH but he has to either accept that he will always be miserable under the evil spell of his parents or look for a way to be at peace with distancing himself from them.

Your in-laws have a very poor and harsh opinion of their son and their severe interactions affect him very badly to the point that it’s toxic for him. He must have lost even more confidence with his redundancy and unemployment ?

You sound very balanced and adjusted to the on-going problems and you try to keep the peace between them.

As a last resort to try gain their understanding, I agree with sending the message along the lines as suggested by a pp. Maybe you already have done.
If not, I think you could add that, though their concern is understandable, their rather cruel criticisms are also an unhelpful trigger for your DH’s anxiety.

In the meantime do you think your DH would benefit from professional advice from a therapist to help him deal better with their extreme, strong characters.

I’m sorry that you have been assaulted and I hope you can heal from that emotionally as well as physically. It must have been terrifying for you.

You could bend over backwards to accommodate every whim and they can still leave everything to the cats home.

Because they are ridiculous bullies maybe?

They sound so unhinged that I'm wondering if there's something they need to say face to face eg that one of them is ill.
If he ignores them for months on end, this would make me sad too. In their minds are they coming to see if he is OK.
That's being very understanding of them. I'd let them come and book a family counsellor session for when they're there.

Quickly order a skip. . Your drive will be too full for a camper van.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:
"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Random questions OP: 🤔
Is your husband an only child?
Do you guys have DC?
Are they hoping to visit grandchildren, and thus barge their way into you lives at their utmost convenience?
Or have they always been boundary busting, selfish, demanding twats? 🤔

I suspect one of them is the main ring leader (MIL) and the other is the enforcer (PIL) but I could have that wrong.
Either way, talking down to you and making demands and threats like you are both petulant children is DISGRACEFUL BEHAVIOUR at best, but effective at it's worst, as you wwill be tempted to go along with it for an easier life. 😔 😭 😫

This is a very unhealthy family dynamic!
Demanding parents with no boundaries often exhibit controlling, intrusive, and emotionally manipulative behaviors. This includes: showing up unannounced, ignoring privacy, forcing opinions on parenting or lifestyle, using guilt to manipulate decisions, and expecting 24/7 availability. 😠 😡 😤

This NEEDS TO STOP.
You cannot control their behaviour, but you certainly can control your reactions and responses! 😇

Over controlling and emotionally immature parents need to be TOLD NO.
No compromises - it's a NO
No is A FULL SENTENCE and means NO. 🖕

I had similar with my own mother and her partner. The Queen Bee was a pain in the arse and just didn't listen or respect my decision, I was the typical permissive peace-keeping daughter (who hated conflict).
i just wanted an easy life, but it somehow made THEIR lives easier, and MY life harder. 🫩

Then my husband seen this and stepped in 🙌

DH said well we don't reward bad behaviour in this house, and actions have consequences, and we will be telling them NO from now on.

We stuck to it, and when they pushed back, we enforced boundaries and limited contact. Husband would not let them over the threshold if they turned up unannounced. If they dug their heels further, then we would respond in kind and go from limited contact, to no contact.

We don't reward threats or bad behaviour like they are toddlers throwing some tantrum to get their own way. JUST FUCKING NO.
He told my mum, we are not shitty arsed little kids, we are grown adults and are parents ourselves, and we will NOT be spoken to like shit. Good day! 👋

Oh my lord, my mother was not happy. 😆
But it helped me to gain a bloody backbone, as I have him in my corner, and he would not let the guilt tripping or threats be used as a tool. Basically a FAFO 😇
He completely had my back, and my mother respected him massively for it, she even told me so years later.

Only you can decide what you will do. But this will get even worse as they get older. You and your husband need to make a conscious decision, and stick to it.
Don't do what you think will make your life easier (as it rarely does), but do what is BEST for you, however hard that may be, and both stick to it.

Best of luck @FriendlyMedusa 💐

I imagine they wont listen to reason and come anyway. You need to work out how to deal with them when they arrive.

I’m so sorry you’re having to contend with this extra stress on top of an incredibly difficult series of events. I hope your DH finds a new job soon and that your fingers are healing fully.

they are being unkind and unsupportive. As well as the kind message suggested above, I’d be tempted to add that you’re hurt they are adding to the stress you are enduring at the moment but you hope that when you see them in June that you can all put this behind you and accept each others needs.

I find the ‘very chaotic lives’ text abhorrent, as if the ILs are implying that you and your DH are less-than or incompetent adults who have somehow brought your recent, chance life events upon yourselves. This is victim blaming at its finest. Do your ILs have a saviour complex, and do they often act like they have to swoop in to rescue you and show you how to adult effectively? I ask because I recognise these dynamics in my own dysfunctional family.

Just to point out, you have not upset MIL; MIL has upset herself as a direct consequence of her insensitive and bullying behaviour. Please don’t be emotionally blackmailed by her manipulations. Plus, as other posters have said, it’s possibly a win-win if you are never invited to their home again.

You don’t say if you have children so I’m assuming not; please note that their controlling behaviours will most likely ramp up if and when you do.

Also, it won’t just be a two-hour meet-up surely if they’re intending to park in a camper on your drive? Where will they toilet and shower? Are they expecting 24-hour access to your home?

To put it bluntly, stop enabling an abusive relationship.
If your DH doesn’t want a relationship with them then respect his wishes, but he needs to get his head around the fact that he can drop the rope.

My dad’s parents were horrible, selfish, spiteful people and my dad could never have done enough to get their approval even though he spent his whole life doing his best for them. It was so sad to see.

You both need to stop dancing to their tune and take control of your own lives. You are being manipulated and controlled and worse you know it and are letting them get away with it. Short version you both need to grow a pair and say no.

Why should they have to? They’ve said no, they shouldn’t have to feel bullied into it.

stand your ground

This is your husband's situation to sort out. They are his parents. He needs to find a solution. Have your own boundaries in place - like no staying overnight, but if your husband decides they are coming then they need to stay in a hotel- your husband can meet them there for a meal or whatever.
If they do come to visit your house for a meal or tea then be out. Go shopping, visit a friend.
It isn't your job to sort out your husband's relationship with his own parents, and I would leave all communications with them to be handled by your husband.They are his parents, not yours.

After how they’re acting and how they treat your husband I’d not want to see them again full stop. You do realise you have no obligation to them?

What the fuck?
These messages are bananas! This is NOT normal, OP. It reads as highly controlling and abusive. Are they narcs? What was his childhood like? Has he had any counselling? Your poor husband and poor you.

Hard though it is I think boundaries are going to need to come down firmly here. If not it’s just going to carry on getting worse/escalating. They are speaking to you as though you are naughty children. In Victorian times.

Do you think your husband is aware of quite how unusual/unhinged this is, or has he become conditioned to see it as normal? It sounds as though it’s the latter because he’s already trying to put some distance in place.

You read about mad in laws on here but this one has really shocked me!

Ask them what is so urgent they need to see you now, when you have already explained your position.

By 'making him' I meant facilitating it by keeping things sweet and inviting them in June, when it sounds he wouldn't actually want that. You should support him in contact being on his terms. Has he considered therapy? It might help him in understanding why he feels being treated like this is the 'right thing to do' (obligation).

Do you have children that see their parents being treated like shit?

I would also remind them/spell it out that you are recovering from a very highly traumatic incident and therefore need space for a bit longer. Then then tell them you are very hurt and shocked that they are not understanding considering what happened to you.