To tell in-laws to do one?

They sound awful. Surely that's as good a reason as any?

Absolutely this.

if you allow them to push past your boundaries this time then you are demonstrating that these tactics work and that their needs trump your dh’s every time. They seem to believe that the inheritance thing gives them a right to your time and attention.

People like this use emotion to manipulate so I’d respond in a calm, succinct way - “We are still unable to host for the same reasons we’ve already given. June is an option, let us know if that works for you”

Commenting on my own post because I don't want to sound critical of you, OP.
You are in a horrible situation and when you are in it, you need others to give you an outside perspective.

We're so primed - by instinct and by social expectation - to love and respect our parents that admitting that we dislike them, and that they are damaging to us, is very, very hard. I had this with my own father, who would swing from being coercive to charming and back again.

Before your husband can distance himself, he'll need to accept that it's okay - even beneficial - to do so.

Such a sad post on so many levels.

YANBU at all, what awful messages they sent.

Your poor DH growing up with them for parents. It’s no surprise at all that he has low self-esteem, and it’s understandable that he doesn’t want much to do with them, but he is still trapped in the fear/obligation/guilt that won’t allow him to establish stronger boundaries. Would he consider getting some therapy to help him understand his relationship with his parents? There are some long running “stately homes” threads in the relationship board here that may be helpful too.

I’m so sorry for both of you having been through such a rough time lately. Look after each other 💐

You could kiss their arses until your lips were chapped and it would never guarantee anything in the Will, not that I'm suggesting this carries weight with you. People who make these threats can and will change their minds for any or no reason.

You must please yourselves.

Please ignore all posts suggesting you compromise and see them for a few hours, or send a nice message, or book a date forJune. When you compromise with abusers, you're allowing them to abuse you. I would not be seeing them until the apologise and commit to behaving differently. Which they won't do.

Based on the title I was going to say another In-laws issue from a DIL but now I have read your post - bloody hell.

As Thejoyof NC says - how very dare they. What sort of consequences. Remove you from their wills?

I had a friend who had this sort of behavior. Father in particular threatened to change his will numerous times. In the end when he passed the will was dated 1972. There wasnt an awful lot left in the end circa £30k but it seems to be common to use the threat of disheirtance to get what you want.

They sound fucking horrible with their threats and emotional blackmail. Why would you want to pander to that? It clearly doesn't stop them.

I'd send one final message: We said NO.

Then archive the group as suggested so you don't see messages, and arrange to be away or out. Let them turn up and see a closed door. I hope they don't have keys.

Oh yes I’m sure it’ll be a really jovial meet up given the threats and emotional blackmail leading up to it. They have already damaged relations whether the op and her dh see them or not.

I agree you shouldn’t reward this behaviour or bow down to their threats. They sound like horrible controlling people. Just go out and turn your phone off. Is there a chance of them hanging around until
you come home?

This ☝️ 💯
@FriendlyMedusa

Just reply that you have already explained it's not a good time right now. Ask them to respect that.
If they do not, literally ignore the door.

I'm confused by your role in all this, OP.
When they come round and they are being nasty to your DH and he's just taking it, do you call them out or do you just sit there too? Because I'd be telling them that they can't talk to people like that in my home, and tell them to leave.
Your DH might not be ready to admit to himself that he wants to go no contact, but his day to day actions amount to the same thing. He doesn't have to give it a name. He just needs to achieve the space. And he could probably do with counselling.

The camper is a bit of an issue because, otherwise, I'd say just don't let them in. Can you go away for the weekend? Take refuge with friends?

I think it's a good approach to, but for this sort of thing an even better approach might be to pick up the phone, if you can face it! Messaging in these fraught circumstances never lands well.

@JoshLymanSwagger suggestion was good. "Lock up the house and go away for the weekend.
Anywhere - a friend maybe?
Cheapest BnB you can find."

What I think would be better (although unrealistic) is, if you have spare keys for their house to take yourself there for a couple of days. Text them and say, like them, you also needed a change of scenery so you have made yourself comfortable at their house. Hope they don't mind but if they do there will be consequences.

Back to the real world, your DH might want to ask them if they thought their attitude was going to make you both either more or less likely to want to spend any time with them.

@FriendlyMedusa I think this is a very good message to send them. Kind but firm

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?
This stood out to me from your first post because raising a puppy, I have to do certain things in order to not reward bad behaviour and for some short term pain will hopefully have an easier life on the long run.

This is textbook narcissism. Why on earth are you both pandering to it?
Your husband has no self esteem due to having them as parents. Cut them off and he will have the space to work on that.
They do not have the right to dictate, bully, emotional abuse, criticise and threaten.
I have been through this and took me until my mid-40s to realise that I don’t have to keep such unpleasant people in my life, even if they’re parents.
You aren’t helping your husband or your situation with them at all by trying to keep the peace, that’s being a people-pleaser.
I told mine I was done being the family scapegoat and refused all further contact - life is blissfully peaceful now and I only see people who fill my cup as much as I fill theirs.
Stand your ground.
I’d go out for the day, maybe even book a hotel for the night. Or if you’d rather stay at home just don’t answer the door - it really IS that simple.

Where are they parking this mini van? I assume they dont plan to sleep with it on the street? (If so alert the police as thats illegal in most places). If its your yard/garden/driveway block the access - put a lock on the gate, park a car ideally not yours in the entry way so they can't get in or if you can do any of that this time just go away for the weekend.

Unless your husband is prepared to call the police for harassment then they are going to do this to ambush him and he will not get any peace with them parked outside. So it would be better for them not to be abke to park outside or you simply not to be there.

Just take yourselves a way for a nice day out if you can. Sounds like you deserve it and it would save you having to deal with them. If the 'consequences' mean they are not talking to you, that sounds like a win to me.

What would they even get out of a two hour visit after that series of messages? It's not going to be fucking joyful is it?

I'd either go nuclear in a text, let them turn up and not answer, or meet and sit in absolute silence. Make it as awkward and hard as possible.

Sending support and strength!

So he’s already low contact with then by default, even if he doesn’t admit that to himself.

Now all he has to do is ask his DPs to park their camper elsewhere.

OP, I fear you are going to have to tell them in words of one syllable that it is not in any way OK to visit today but you would be very pleased to see them on (insert date in June). You need to give them a date so they know it will happen. You’ve also got to decide what you’re going to do if they just turn up.