To tell in-laws to do one?

except that according to the OP's first post, this controlling behaviour happened every few months and the visits they have been bullied into allowing haven't helped the OP's husband AT ALL.

Holy fuck @FriendlyMedusa, if dh wasn't an only I'd swear we have the same in-laws!! They've done almost exactly that in the past. We're nc now but it took dh a long while to get to that point. I hated the way they treated him as he's a wonderful man.

Solidarity

I am so sorry about your cat dying @FriendlyMedusa, we had to have our dear dog put to sleep over 3 years ago, and I still miss him so much. I am also very sorry to hear about your broken fingers, that must have been terrifying as well as being very painful 🥺 Have the police been able to arrest anyone yet?

My dear dad was made redundant when I was a child, it was from a very large private company that worked in the air defence and travel industry. The company was the main employer in our area, and my DDad was in a middle management position before he was made redundant. However, what made the situation so bad for my dad's mental health, was that he was the only one made redundant. It seems that for whatever reason, his face no longer fitted within the organisation. Unfortunately, it took him about 6 months to secure a similar position, which was with a similar company, in a neighbouring town. So, although it was many, many, years ago, I think that I do understand the stress your family is going through, well at least to a certain extent.

So what I am going to ask you now O.P. is just me trying to find out if there is a less 'nuclear' option for you and your husband to consider at this very vunerable time in both of your relationships with his parents. My first thought regarding your husband's parents, is that as they appeared to quickly change their tack from asking to stay with you for a few days, to requesting that you both meet them for a couple of hours, is that they have - of course, and quite rightly - discussed your DH's redundancy, and your family's awful month, between themselves, and that they had maybe come up with an idea, probably far too quickly, that they think is a brilliant solution (of which I am not going to hazard a guess) for both of you, regarding your husband's very recent redundancy. In doing so, their possible excitement about this 'solution' may have led them to feeling that they just had to share it with you as soon as possible, and that you both refusing to do so until next month, just threw them, and as I mentioned before, led them to both clumsily, and outrageously, send you that horrifying message?

Did you and your husband give your In-Laws all the same details that you gave us in your OP? If so, do you think that their over eagerness to help, might have led them to come up with 'that' potential proposition for you both - hence wanting to be able to see you both for at least a couple of hours - so that they can put their suggestion to you in a face to face 'get together'? As an in-law myself, I am scrabbling quite determinedly, to find a way for both you, and your DH's parents, to meet up in a calm, and hopefully reasonably friendly, manner! Good luck @FriendlyMedusa with however you and your husband decide to deal with this situation 🤞🙏💐

It's such a bizarre threat too isn't it? You will not be welcome in our home unless you welcome us into yours.

I think it's actually quite difficult to read that and respond "oh in that case now you are welcome". That's just not how real people work. But some parents are not very good at seeing their adult children as real people with their own lives and inner worlds rather than as limbs controlled by their parents.

None if this has to have happened for the op and her dh to simply not want to see his parents.

They can actually have a preference not to, you know. It’s not against the law.

As it is, the in laws sound horrendous.

OP didn’t break her fingers. She was attacked and they were broken by her attacker.

a beloved pet sadly died.

her DH has lost his job and the family’s financial security has been rocked.

all within a short space of time.

I think I’d be needing space and time to process that too, without the thought of rude and judgmental houseguests arriving uninvited.

They are either complete arseholes to say such horrible things to their own son or so terminally stupid that they think that their behaviour towards your DH will encourage you to invite them to your home. It's probably a mixture of both and I wouldn't allow either of them in my house.

Is there something else going on during those three days? Have they tickets for an event or similar and want a cheap campsite?

None of those questions justify the messages they have sent, not at all. It does not matter if they plan to stay at a hotel or with them or if they have kids.

"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

WTH???

The way I would meet them at the door with a rolled up newspaper and whop them on their noses saying “No is a complete sentence you entitled twats!”

I suspect this is less about having the time and more about the emotional headspace they are in. You have to be feeling pretty patient and robust to deal with such hyper critical, demanding people. In any case, it’s their decision when or if they see them. They shouldn’t be threatened or pressured into it.

The suggestion you responded to upthread was good. I think you're probably right that it won't work but it is worth a try. It might help if you suggest a definite date in June - they may be mollified by you making that commitment. But only if you are prepared to give that much ground to their blackmail.

Does anyone have a birthday coming up? I just wonder if they may have a fixed idea about needing to hand a present over, or inform you of some big health news or something. But it could easily be simply an exertion of control.

The "consequences" regarding the will is vile, like they are assuming you are being someone you are not, and you can't defend yourself. But how sad must their lives be if they think their own son works like that.

Yeah, don't be in when they arrive. Have yourselves a nice relaxing day out. Have a night or two in a hotel, if possible. And keep their camper off your drive, if it's possible to lock gates. Either ignore calls / messages or act confused ("What do you mean, you're at our place? We told you we weren't free. Got to go").

Act like you never even saw the threatening messages - just don't respond to that stuff in any way at all. Going forward, maybe leave the WhatsApp group or whatever it is and leave communicating with them to your DH. You can't make him drop the rope, but you can do it yourself and maybe one day he'll get there.

These are the types who will make demands (probably with threats) when they're older and needing care. Might as well get some practice standing up to them now.

They don’t need to justify themselves or “make excuses” as you put it. The in-laws sound super hard work even on a good day, never mind when going through a tough phase of life

Yep, I am in agreement with an earlier poster. I would get your husband (not you) to message something like:

"Thank you so much for wanting to come, it really does mean a lot. At the moment things are a bit full‑on here, so as we have tried to explain, it’s not the right time for visitors. I hope you can understand. We’d love to see you, but June would be much better for us. Please can you stick with that timing. Let me know what dates work for you then?"

If they still insist on coming, follow up with "I understand you’d prefer sooner, but that doesn’t work for us we are not available for you this weekend. June is the earliest we can do it and give you the attention you deserve, having travelled so far. When in June would you like to come?” No emotion, no debate, no oxygen.

I feel for you. Similar situation here. That strange combination of DH partly longing for parental approval, even as an adult, while also disliking the way they behave. You’re stuck in the middle, suffering the fall out from the visits, while (if you’re like me) trying to keep some form of relationship there because you’re concerned that if all communication stops he may regret it in the future and you’ll get the fall out from that as well!
We see his parents maybe a couple of times a year, and have had a few “discussions” (arguments😄) with them over the years which has established boundaries for behaviour and a formal but tolerable relationship. My DH has come to accept that they’ll never be the parents he wishes they were, and and still hurts him sometimes, but he will call them out on things if needed and if the relationship did completely fall apart he knows he has tried from his side. Me also supporting his view point helped as they realised I wasn’t going to join in with their criticism of him.
Also he has a sibling who is the golden child, which doesn’t help the situation.
It’s not easy!

This is absolutely outrageous behaviour from your ILs, im appalled reading this.

They sound very domineering. That or very worried about you all. Or one of you.

Oof this is really hard and cant believe they care so little about his feelings. They sound abusive and hopefully he can start distancing himself

"I'm surprised you want to spend time with people who are so chaotic that you need to threaten consequences and who upset you so much. It's best if we postpone and see you when everyone's in a better headspace."

"Yes, life feels very chaotic at the moment with everything going on. We don't have time for visitors right now and won't be able to see you."

I think you need to be away for the weekend. If you're there when they arrive, they'll grind you down until you let them in. If you end up having to let them in then try to be strong once they arrive. Don't let them be rude to either of you, don't "host" (haha sorry we're completely out of tea, things have been chaotic here!), after 15 minutes say you need to get to a hospital appointment for your hand, moan constantly about things and don't let them get a word in edgeways.

Or pretend to welcome them with open arms. You're so glad they've come! Things have been so chaotic here - it'd be amazing if you could do a food a shop for us? We've managed to make a list! Or thank goodness they came! The kids are desperate for a trip to soft play / the park / swimming and you just haven't been able to do fit in recently. Oh what a relief, the hoover's packed - could you pop to John Lewis and pick one up? I can't push it with my hand, could you just run it round upstairs? Thank you! So glad you decided to come and help us out. Keep them at it constantly for as long as you possibly can.

So DH isn’t working but doesn’t have any time to see his parents?

You broke your fingers and had your cat PTS so that means you can’t see anyone for 2 months?

They sound awful, demanding that DH sees them but you and DH’s excuses are not good.

No one should be forcing themselves upon anyone else but I do wonder if there is another side to this story.

There's more to this. While their message is extremely aggravating they are obviously very hurt and feel ignored for a long time. I think id let my husband deal with this one and stay out of the way!

I recommend your husband reads 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents'. I found it really helpful. Not one to leave lying around when they visit though!

Not the point, but the random finger breaking sounds scary AF!

”There will be consequence” will he grounded or just not allowed to watch TV?! They do know he is a grown man? Has he got any siblings? The in-laws sound unhinged, entitled and nightmares

Sorry you are going through a tough time and you don’t need to engage with them.