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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell in-laws to do one?

458 replies

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:01

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

OP posts:
ShizeItsWeegie · 08/05/2026 12:02

greenspaces03 · 08/05/2026 06:18

There is more to this than OP has stated though. OP if I were in your shoes I will NOT want them over right at this point. If your husband agrees. That is awesome. June would probably be better for you all. However that being said, let’s look at it from their point of view and this is why I said there is more to this. People don’t randomly act demanding unless they have a reason and that reason isn’t clear from the post. Do they really miss their son and you in their lives? They are older and maybe feel lonely and ignored? They may not be showing it in the right way but they way your feelings are valid. Theirs might be too. It took me time to realize that my in-laws were demanding simply because they missed having the family closer together and felt so left out when everyone had spuses and lives. Mine were entitled and for years showed up 10 days every month 😢😢😢. However I did push back - so I will not tell you not to push back - as I grew older I grew patient and now it warms my heart to see my husband hanging with his Mummy. I can never be his mum and now I have teenage son with love interests I get it better. All of that being said, MIL know my boundaries now and they do respect it. No more 10 days stretches. Max 5 days every 4 months 😆😆. You don’t want your partner’s support to turn to resentment later in life for pushing his parents away. Again I don’t know the back story and they could have been shitty to you both for years.

People don't act demeaning without a reason. An awful lot of people act demeaning just because 1) They can 2) They feel entitled to. No other reason.

It's beyond rude to impose yourself on people who do not want to host.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/05/2026 12:01

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 07:10

I really like this, thank you.

I'm not very optimistic that it will help, but I think it's worth trying the politely assertive way first, I just couldn't think how to do it. This is great.

Show quote history

This is the best way to respond. I won't tell you how I would respond!

Clearly they like to threaten writing your DH out of their Will in order to control him. Despicable people. My inlaws did that to my DH and did actually write him out when we went no contact with them, which was to be expected.

As much as it hurt my DH (we didn't have much choice but to go NC due to constant abuse from them), I found it rather liberating at the time.

Now though, years later, it stings a bit for both of us as we'd have been rich 😂

I8toys · 08/05/2026 11:59

Absolutely not. You don't want them there so they don't come. No reasoning needed.

Turnitoffnonagain · 08/05/2026 11:58

They're bullies and I wouldn't entertain their nonsense. Let the feel those consequences.

ThePieceHall · 08/05/2026 11:51

nixon1976 · 08/05/2026 11:31

This is really strange behaviour. If this is honestly how it played out - that you sent a genuine message saying so sorry we'd love to see you but it's not a good time, please come in June, and then they replied with those unhinged responses, then they seem truly abusive and I'd push back and refuse to see them. Is there more to this, though?

Why is there always a hint of ‘no smoke without fire’ on these threads. Several posters have relayed their own similar stories with domineering, know-it-all parents who manipulate their offspring into adulthood. Not everyone has functional or emotionally mature parents. I always wonder at the lack of some people being able to put themselves in others shoes.

Feelingstressedbutdoingmybest · 08/05/2026 11:47

Butterme · 08/05/2026 09:24

So DH isn’t working but doesn’t have any time to see his parents?

You broke your fingers and had your cat PTS so that means you can’t see anyone for 2 months?

They sound awful, demanding that DH sees them but you and DH’s excuses are not good.

No one should be forcing themselves upon anyone else but I do wonder if there is another side to this story.

It's emotional capacity, not time constraints. They don't feel they have the emotional capacity to deal with these clearly demanding relatives at present.

AliceandOscar · 08/05/2026 11:45

Have they ever sent these type of messages before as they sound like panicked people to me. First they see you this month and now these crazy threats to see you now. I would be curious to know what caused this, if it is something they haven’t done before.

Feelingstressedbutdoingmybest · 08/05/2026 11:44

YourShyLion · 08/05/2026 11:03

I'm not sure why seeing them for a couple of hours would be a problem.

Because they've been horribly rude and unpleasant?

Feelingstressedbutdoingmybest · 08/05/2026 11:37

They're being incredibly rude and emotionally manipulative. I think the "let them" philosophy will be helpful here. Along with the good old grey rock!

We are not in a position to host visitors at the moment. As you are aware, I am recovering from a random violent attack and currently have broken fingers. Describing this as chaotic is unkind. If you drive all this way you will be wasting a journey.

hueylouieanddewey · 08/05/2026 11:34

They sound like my DM and her late husband. Years ago they were supposed to be visiting DB and SIL. SIL was pregnant, and very sadly started to miscarry the day before they were due to arrive. DB called and asked them not to come, and they refused and said that they had made their plans, wanted to see toddler DN, and were coming regardless. They turned up on the Saturday morning and DB called me to go and help 'manage' them - it was an absolutely dreadful weekend and poor SIL spent most of it in the bedroom in tears, but DB didn't feel able to stand up to them for similar reasons to your DH and didn't want me to chuck them out which I was very happy to do. Some people/parents just can't see beyond their own wants, and think their children should just do as they are told, right into adulthood.

For all those saying 'why can't you see them for just a few hours' - why on earth would you want to spend time with people like this who have basically bullied you into it?!

nixon1976 · 08/05/2026 11:31

This is really strange behaviour. If this is honestly how it played out - that you sent a genuine message saying so sorry we'd love to see you but it's not a good time, please come in June, and then they replied with those unhinged responses, then they seem truly abusive and I'd push back and refuse to see them. Is there more to this, though?

PinkEasterbunny · 08/05/2026 11:18

As has been mentioned up-thread, you need a plan in case they do actually turn up (assuming you don't go away for the weekend and block access to your drive)

HoppityBun · 08/05/2026 11:17

ThejoyofNC · 08/05/2026 06:12

"I don't know who you think you are but we aren't children to be threatened with consequences. We've told you no so if you want to waste your time driving here then you do that, we won't be seeing you. In fact, you're not welcome in our home either until you can act like respectful adults."

But don’t give it this limp wristed description. Call it for what it is:

”It is very inconvenient for us to have to host you at this time and we do not wish to do so. We do not understand why you wish to punish us if you don’t get your own way.”

Hoanna · 08/05/2026 11:12

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:33

No, we've never asked for support even though they are very well-off. DH has been financially independent since 18.

One of the consequences they bring up from time to time is cutting DH out of their will. It just makes me sad that they think we care about that, or that we're going to be bought.

Show quote history

Tell them to just cut their son from their will NOW and stop coming or making any contact. These people do not love you or him

ConstanzeMozart · 08/05/2026 11:07

I would absolutely not entertain this behaviour. I would not send a reasonable and emollient message as pps have suggested. How dare they behave and speak to you as they do? The 'You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable.' and 'If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences.' are particularly manipulative and threatening.
As for 'You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL].' – fine! Problem solved.

I'd message them and say, 'We are not able to see you, for all the reasons we've already explained. We'll be unavailable all weekend and you are not welcome to park up outside the house.'
Then I'd either book into a hotel/Airbnb or just lock the door and ignore them.
Your DH can come with you to the Airbnb or not. He needs to sort himself out in relation to them. It's not fair that it involves you too.

PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 08/05/2026 11:06

YourShyLion · 08/05/2026 11:03

I'm not sure why seeing them for a couple of hours would be a problem.

They don’t want to.

YourShyLion · 08/05/2026 11:03

I'm not sure why seeing them for a couple of hours would be a problem.

quartile · 08/05/2026 10:55

We're in years of therapy to get to understand we're not at fault for parents behaviour. Sorry
Does DH have siblings? What do they think?Do you both have friends / relatives you can share with - this has been a tough time

Mangelwurzelfortea · 08/05/2026 10:54

They sound appalling - threats of cutting your DH out of their will are grim. Also how can you genuinely be trying to have a relationship with your son if you're forcing it by using hideous emotional blackmail? Answer: you're not. You're just trying to control them.

Just reply saying 'I'm sorry, we really can't host you right now. June would be more suitable. I'm sorry if this upsets you but I'm afraid we'll just have to accept any 'consequences' you decide upon as a result.'

SoScarletItWas · 08/05/2026 10:54

Butterme · 08/05/2026 09:24

So DH isn’t working but doesn’t have any time to see his parents?

You broke your fingers and had your cat PTS so that means you can’t see anyone for 2 months?

They sound awful, demanding that DH sees them but you and DH’s excuses are not good.

No one should be forcing themselves upon anyone else but I do wonder if there is another side to this story.

He was made redundant
OP had her fingers broken violently

You must see the difference?!

PunishmentSnart · 08/05/2026 10:51

Tell them they can visit on 29th Feb 2027.

Feelslikeaneternity · 08/05/2026 10:46

If the consequence is that they won’t come and see you again then I would consider that a positive

REP22 · 08/05/2026 10:44

ThejoyofNC · 08/05/2026 06:12

"I don't know who you think you are but we aren't children to be threatened with consequences. We've told you no so if you want to waste your time driving here then you do that, we won't be seeing you. In fact, you're not welcome in our home either until you can act like respectful adults."

This. Word for word.

dottiedodah · 08/05/2026 10:43

Can u meet for a couple of hours maybe ? They sound annoying and entitled but with so much happening maybe you dont need falling out with them as well.

snowmichael · 08/05/2026 10:43

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 08/05/2026 06:09

I'd be out all day.

Very unreasonable if it transpired as described.

> I'd be out all day.
... at the hospital for physio on my broken fingers

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