To tell in-laws to do one?

My inlaws were horrendous when my kids were younger and i completely understand your point of view. My kids are older now and ,while I would never behave like your inlaws , I do understand their behaviour. When your kids get older they have their own lives and they may not have as much time for you as they had they were younger. It can be very heartbreaking and while they are completely unreasonable I think that they probably miss their son. I would think of a way for them to spend time with you all without causing you any stress. Maybe in the summer a few days nearby and they could come for a few hours?

Don't be worried about telling them not to come. They have proven themselves to be horrible narcissistic people. If you go online there will be thousands of people discussing this exact same thing. The inviting themselves at an inconvenient time helps them establish a position of control; their reaction to NO allows them to reverse the narrative and paint themselves the victim; the enabling other parent telling you to apologise to the narcissist and finally them respecting no boundary and coming anyway. Has your DH not figured out what type of personality type he is dealing with especially the mother? It will help him a lot to read more about these traits

I’ve gone through exactly this and sent something similar to JoyNC. After far too long trying to negotiate we realised that ‘No, that doesn’t work for us.’ is a complete sentence. Their tantrum is 100% their problem. My in-laws are wealthy too - end result was yes DH cut off and we are NC. No regrets.

OH no!!! let them park on the drive and they will be there to make the snotty comments again.

Please don't use the word sorry to people like this, even when it's phrased in a non-apology way like this.

Everything about their rhetoric is about their weird power games. They'd spin the word sorry into an admission of guilt that they'll dine out on for months.

They have probably set up a trip, & you are on the itinerary.
Can your H respond "I'm sorry that Mum is upset, However at X days notice, you asked if it was convenient, & were told it simply is not. We proposed June, so If you wish to park on the drive, you can, but as I have said several times now, we have plans this w/e, & will not be available. Please let me know if June works for you."

"Drive wherever you like whenever you like, you are of course free to spend your time and your money as you wish. The same is true for us. We have told you that seeing you in May doesn't work for us and that still stands. We will not be cajoled, threatened or blackmailed into spending time with anybody for any reason. If you wish to make arrangements to see us in June, you will need to approach us with a much more respectful and pleasant attitude.

If your messages continue in this manner we will block you."

Seriously, @FriendlyMedusa - you husband needs therapy, he really does.

There clearly are so many issues - associated with his dysfunctional upbringing, his parents’ overbearing attitude and his poor self esteem - which he will never get to grips with on his own.

I’d reply, “Unfortunately, you don't seem to have paid attention to the situation we have explained that we are in. We are stressed about the redundancy, grieving a pet and in shock following a violent assault. We want some time and space alone which is a very reasonable request in the circumstances. We are both very taken aback that you aren’t showing any understanding, that you think hosting you is a priority above all of that and are telling us that we will be letting you stay or else.

There is no need for this to turn into an awkward situation or a conflict. That’s not what we want. Please don’t turn up uninvited as we aren’t preparing to host you and cannot let you stay. We hope that this makes our side of things clear.”

Absolutely this!!

who the hell are they to threaten you with “consequences??”

Dear God.. the world gets madder by the day!

Hoping your lives improve O, wishing you a better summer 💐

Because they are utterly horrible people.

Seconding closing the curtains and not answering the door. The arrogance of them.

I hope life gets better for you soon.

Hello Premier Inn for a few days, let them find a locked up house!

You’re not welcome in their home until you apologise but they’re still coming to yours ??!!! Message back and say it will be a wasted journey as you’ve already told them you won’t be available, and that they won’t be welcome in your home until they grow up and act like reasonable adults, and realise that you are not children to be bullied into submission.

Do this - perfect response!

I was cut out of my parents will. So if they’re threatening that and behaving like this I would go no contact. I wish I had years ago instead of all the pain and stress of still seeing them and being treated as you are now. All the best and I hope things get better soon.
I’d send a message to say. ‘We do not respond to threats. You must not visit our house as you are not welcome and won’t be allowed access’
Then block them on all phones and social media.

I would be buggering off somewhere. Or at least hiding the car in another street and closing the blinds. No one would speak to me like that.

Fortunately my parents did not drive so they just guilt tripped me for not visiting them often enough. Or rather they tried to. There were only land lines back then.

Just go out for the day and turn off your phones. They sound like a nightmare.

“We are still unable to host for the same reasons we’ve already given. June is an option, let us know if that works for you”

Actually, I really like this reply.
You are not playing their game, by answering their ridiculous accusations so they can fire back at you. Illustrating that these arguments of their just don't work. And re iterating that you said no and mean no. Its polite but shows you are taking no nonsense.
Perfect.

I was about to post that they've tipped you over the edge this time and I think you'd both feel even worse if you gave in. Particularly as their comments, which I also think are abusive indicate they will be arriving in a hostile frame of mind, spoiling for a fight and ready to give you both a good piece of their minds. Frankly, I think it would be really unpleasant for both of you but particularly for your DH who is feeling fragile about his redundancy. Its the very last thing you need.
The way they speak to you.. it just all added up
"Chaotic lifestyle" ... so insulting.
And the whole threatening consequences... sheer bullying.
Plus the fact that you said they have often held the threat of disinheritance over DH's head. That's just awful because it indicates to me that its not the first time they have threatened and blackmailed him. It's really abusive.

Dh mum threatened him with being cut out of the will 2 yrs ago.He hasn't spoken to her since.

Park a couple streets away and dont answer the door

The OP has said it happens every few months

It’s baffling to me that people who have been told they aren’t welcome insist on coming. How much fun will that meeting be?! Obviously there is a whole history behind this, but I don’t think you should allow yourselves to be blackmailed.

then you see them and put up with the ensuing shit