Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

Not the point I know but wow you are actually gorgeous.
your friend is a cunt, and you need him out of your life. Do you exercise or play sport? I’d set yourself some strength or sporting goals to focus more on what your body can do in case that helps. You can target doing 20 full pushups by the end of June, unless you can already do that of course 😆

You clearly need therapy

When I was 10 my next door neighbour told me that I needed to lose some weight before I got older because I’d never have a boyfriend and I’d be bullied because I was so chubby and spotty.
She was a woman in her fifties and an absolute cunt and made so many similar digs that destroyed my self esteem but this was the most damaging comment.

I had started my period at 9 so I think I was just chubby due to puberty and I hadn’t even really noticed my weight but it was like a switch was flicked and it was all I could think about.

I was obsessed with my weight and started skipping meals or making myself sick when I was being watched or made to eat.
This led to years of eating disorders and one stay in hospital and so much work on my teeth as an adult due to dousing them in acid with bulimia.

I was seeing a psychiatrist from 13 and have had years of psychiatric help, counselling, lots of different therapies but I think I’ll always struggle with my self image.

I gained a lot of weight when I turned 40 and peri menopause hit and for the first time I was actually overweight and realised how much of my life I wasted thinking I was fat when I actually had a lovely figure.
It’s been so hard to lose it and I considered WLI but instead I’ve joined a gym and started exercising daily and it’s changed my views on my body completely.

I have stopped weighing myself and focused on being fit and healthy and I have lost weight but it’s no longer my focus.
I now get pleasure reaching my fitness goals and seeing my fitness improve, I have an Apple watch and try to close my rings every day and love seeing muscle developing and being able to run for miles without being a sweaty heaving mess.
My first day at the gym I couldn’t manage to run more than 3 minutes and was getting notifications on my Apple Watch saying my fitness was so low. The first time I ran just 1km I cried with pride afterwards and for the first time in over 30 years I don’t know how much I actually weigh but I do know that my cardio fitness and recovery are excellent and that I’m strong and healthy.

Please get some help before this really takes hold and don’t waste your life like I have just because of some twats comment whose opinion doesn’t matter.
I know it’s hard when you have these intrusive thoughts but it’s good at the moment you have recognised your thinking isn’t healthy and hopefully with the right help one day you will see yourself as you truly are.

When I was in my last therapy session I mentioned how I could have 99 compliments and 1 negative comment but the negative would be the only comment I’d take seriously. I think that’s human nature but not to focus on it to the extent it’s detrimental to our mental health.
I hope the comments you’ve received on this thread have helped you knowing they are from strangers with no hidden agenda or reason to lie. They probably won’t change how you view yourself because I think you need professional help for your disordered thinking but they might help convince you in future.
I hope things change for you and you can one day look in the mirror and see your true self looking back and be happy with what you see and be at peace with yourself x

It's awful that he said that to you, OP - I thought it was awful, and that he was probably negging you at first, now I see your gorgeously slim photos and wonder if he actually joking/sarcastic and didn't expect you to take him seriously at all?! Because nobody in their right mind could seriously call you chubby or whatever!

Male friends are curious creatures - I know people on here swear blind they can be just mates with men, but in my experience, male friends are always after more. Every male friend I've ever had throughout my life, who was I thought was "just a mate," has ended up hitting on me in the fullness of time. Maybe just my experience, but I would say he either genuinely "just kidding" (how tiresome!!) or he wants more.
No excuse for his behaviour though - these comments can have a PROFOUND effect on women. See: Karen Carpenter and what the "chubby little sister" press comment did to her.

Take this seriously and get professional help OP. This happened to me and caused years of ED. I was a teenager, and look perfect when I looked at photos of myself then. But once called fat, it just stuck and was all i could see. Wish I had had the knowledge to have got help then. It's deep, dangerous and hard to fathom.

You are sadly giving this ejit way more power than than you should. His comments were purposefully said, to embarrass and/or hurt. To give someone of this mentality headspace is unnecessary because he is pointless, utterly pointless!

His words, comments, opinions hold no credibility and all echo his personality. He could well be one of those that get their satisfaction from bringing others down. Sad, sad individual.

Take your power back, go on - go buy a dress and rejoice in it!

Here's some info about dysmorphia. It absolutely can be triggered by a single insult. If you or someone in your family has OCD, there's a higher chance of developing the disorder.

🫣 😲 I was almost nervous to look, but you're beautiful! And he is a massive asshole. Even if you were actually chunky or larger, no friend would say something like that. But in this case, there's absolutely nothing fat, chunky, or oversized about you. You already knew this, but something about the negging really hit a button. He is truly an ass. I wish people would be more careful of what they say.

I agree with a lot of the advice you've been given, but I'll say that your MH is too important to downplay this. It's not simply mind over matter. If it were no one would have anxiety or low self-esteem. I don't know how body dysmorphia is triggered but if you Google it you may recognize it. Definitely see someone and stop this in its tracks.🌹

This. He probably fancies you. Pathetic behaviour

Please go to a therapist about this and bio or in the bud. This comment has triggered body dysmorphia- get rid of it ASAP

Ditch the 'friend'. The only weight you need to lose is him!

No, you are giving way too much credence to a man who clearly fancies you and as you - sensibly- don't fancy him, comforts himself by calling you fat.

Adonis is he? Keep away from him. And any of your friends who don't listen to your concerns.

These concerns are more perhaps because you want something- a loving partner? And so as a human your brain starts scurrying about looking for a reason, and because you seem perfectly nice, attractive apart from your choice of friend! Has decided you are fat. You know you aren't. But you have low self esteem to belive this fool, so instead of hanging round with him, join a sport or activity you enjoy.

Oh, and you are very young really. I used to worry about this, but after a near death experience and 2 emcs, you realise you're just glad to be alive and able to walk about.

Get put there, get busy, make new friends and look after yourself. Enjoy a bit of cake. It's personality that keeps relationships going for decades, not skinny thighs and a sour expression whilst you tuck In to your chips.

Body dysmorphia. You can get help for this!
as for this “friend” who was trying to get your attention, please let the shiver down your spine be the realization that the dude is poison and he doesn’t deserve any more of your energy or time.
he’s no good.

Buy the dress!!! It’s stunning on you!!! X

Can you afford to get a bit of counseling or get a GP to refer you? It’s not normal to fixate like this on something you know is untrue. If not, maybe try reading up a little about anxiety disorders. There’s a lot of bad shit happening in the world right now and maybe your brain is just centering on this intrusive thought to deal with some of that stress.

When I was young I went through anxiety and intrusive thoughts (I was constantly convinced I needed to pee even though I definitely didn’t, I knew I didn’t like you are saying. Totally took over my life/mind for years.) Two things helped:

1. Finding out that a lot of people suffer the same thing. That they overcome it, and so would I.
2. Getting a job that kept me so busy and focused on other people that I didn’t have time to think about myself for hours on end.

I hope some others who know more can tell you more about anxiety. It was a shitty comment for your friend to make, but so not accurate that he probably thought it was obvious it was a joke and you wouldn’t care.

OP, I don't want to excuse your friend because he shouldn't have said that for the exact reason you're posting here - it can trigger body dysmorphia.
But I do wonder if he felt like it was safe to make a joke about you being fat because you're so obviously very slim that he might have thought you could never take it seriously? Kind of like joking about a very tall person being short? It was still a dick move regardless of what he thought, but it may not have been intended to be cruel.
I hope you get the help you need x

Friends don't body shame you. He probably fancies the arse off you, and thought he'd gain traction by negging you about your weight. I'm adding to the chorus of people who say ditch him. If you confront him about it, he'll just say he was joking.

I'd be checking with my mutual friends whether he's been commenting on other people's/women's bodies. Team up against him.

Having muscular shoulders means you can punch absolute cunts harder.

"I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)"

That's not a fat roll, that's an accessory part of your boob.

It’s taken up a lot of space in your head because he said something new and unkind to and about you out of the blue, and emphasised it enough that you now on some level believe it. Cbt could help you with this. You do need to cut him out though, he’s the worst.

You look like a supermodel. Your friend is a cunt. That is all there is to it xxx

X

Came to say that. I’m as skinny as they come and I have that fold of skin between arm and chest.

“friends worth crying over will never make you cry”

Learning about David Kibbe helped me with this. I was always on the edge of being underweight, but I thought I looked fat because I have (what I would now describe as) a soft flesh type. So my face is soft looking, my arms, legs etc - I don’t have taught, toned looking flesh - and I never will.

If you think about someone like Courtney Cox in Friends, and compare her to Scarlett Johanssen, Scarlett is never going to have cheekbones like Courtney Cox, she’s never going to have that “firm” appearance. Once I understood that, it made so much sense and I could stop worrying that there was something wrong with me. There are beautiful women of every type. It sounds like you might be in one of the soft types too.

Going against the grain here but usually friends don’t banter about someone being fat if they actually are fat.

I have lots of mates who call each other fat but only to those who aren’t actually fat.
Saying it to someone who is fat, would be nasty.

The fact that this person is your ‘friend’ and you’re obviously not fat, suggests he said it as banter and more ironically and he didn’t think you would take it to heart (because you’re bit fat/chunky).

Unfortunately it’s triggered body dysmorphia which is an awful thing to have.