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Original poster

Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

210 replies

Confusedmind96 · 07/05/2026 21:28

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

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YellowMellow99 · 09/05/2026 18:38

Confusedmind96 · 07/05/2026 21:28

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

That shiver down your spine, it’s because he is an abusive, gaslighting arsehole and you thought he was your friend. That shiver is telling you that him and his words are not congruent with the truth and it’s manipulative.
Well done for recognising that there is nothing g wrong with you or your body! This is a very valuable experience and you learned how to recognise someone who is abusive!
If you pulled him up on this, he’d just make it out he was joking and you can’t take a joke. You’d feel confused and that it’s somehow your fault. But it isn’t!
Block and delete his number. Block him on social media. If you see him, cross the road. If he talks to you, walk away.
I hope you don’t work with him or have to see him for some reason on a regular basis.
Just go for complete no contact.

C313 · 09/05/2026 18:33

Ideally I don’t think we should comment on other people’s bodies and often what other people say is actually a reflection of what they are thinking of themselves. Perhaps try to take the power away from the word fat. It was unnecessary for your friend to make a comment about your body and it sounds like deep down you know it’s not true so how would you feel if he said you were tall or short or had blue eyes when you have brown etc and probably you’re response would be something like that’s a random thing to say so try to have the same reaction to fat. Also perhaps have a chat with your friend about boundaries and comments about bodies being off limits.

BitterTits · 09/05/2026 18:30

Your friend sounds grim, seeing anything more developed than a teenager's body as fat.

Lilaug · 09/05/2026 18:26

Confusedmind96 · 07/05/2026 21:28

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

You don't sound fat.. I think your friend was exaggerating. If he were to be accurate, you merely filled out more than you were when you were 17. What you could do is toning excersize and you'll be good.
I hate when people don't use their brains when they make critical statements. When my mother was young, a young guy... a stranger, actually said to her, "God your'e ugly", when she was walking out of the swimming pool. That affected her all her life. My mother was actually a very beautiful woman who had men flirt with her , but because of his rude critical comment, she looked at herself as always ugly. I saw photos of her that my father had taken of her before I was born at her funeral two years ago., and we couldn't get over how stunning she was even then... she could have actually been a model!

Turnitoffnonagain · 09/05/2026 12:24

Are you sure he wasn't being sarcastic? Trying to get a laugh? What a stupid arse.
You have a beautiful figure. Don't let this nonsense affect your confidence. You're only young, stupid mean people are going to say stupid mean stuff. Make like a duck, let it roll off like water. 🦆

Whiteheadhouse · 09/05/2026 12:19

notallwombats · 07/05/2026 21:29

Your friend is a cunt.

This.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/05/2026 12:18

Please do not diet in an extreme way. My SIL is complete opposite to me (tall and slim) and she allows herself cake and biscuits and chocolate - in moderation and lots of fruit too. Large sharing bag of crisps she shares with her DH and kids in bowls. She burns calories fast naturally though.

PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 09/05/2026 12:08

You just look normal.

You should definitely get some help with understanding why one throwaway comments from one dickhead bloke affects you so much.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/05/2026 10:32

You’re very slim. That friend is no friend.

Hereforthecommentz · 09/05/2026 09:47

JustSawJohnny · 08/05/2026 21:04

Exactly. For one sibling it's a throw away comment but to the other it can be like a bomb's gone off.

P's 'friend' is old enough to know better, that said, I agree that there are underlying issues here for OP to be so flawed by it.

Show quote history

Agreed, a fully grown adult should know better. Comments about weight even jokingly are hurtful to everyone regardless of ED.

Greenmouldycheese · 08/05/2026 21:24

You look a normal weight to me. I wouldnt look at thise pictures and think you were overweight. You're friend was being a liar and and arsehole.

JustSawJohnny · 08/05/2026 21:04

Hereforthecommentz · 07/05/2026 22:49

This happened to my daughter too, a friend called her fat, but it's much more complex than that. Most people can be called fat and just shrug it off or be hurt but not develop an ED. For people who have EDs they can't but it's a very complicated issue and something else would have likely triggered her anorexia at some point, stress, another trauma, exams ect. Brothers and sisters routinely say nasty things to each other. It's a shit situation for your friend and for her brother thinking he's caused her illness. Very sad indeed.

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Exactly. For one sibling it's a throw away comment but to the other it can be like a bomb's gone off.

P's 'friend' is old enough to know better, that said, I agree that there are underlying issues here for OP to be so flawed by it.

Daftypants · 08/05/2026 17:06

What a lovely friend you have 🙄
I sort of know what you mean about what you see in the mirror + what you see in photographs can be different?
IYSWIM ?
Each time I actually see myself in a photo I’m not as pale as I thought, my hair is lighter than I thought it was and I look a bit slimmer than I thought I was .

( And I don’t have body image issues )
So there is the element of subjectivity when you’re not being objective about your appearance.
BTW you are slim and a nice shape

ChaToilLeam · 08/05/2026 13:37

Drop that man like the bag of cold sick he is and seek some help for those intrusive thoughts. You are objectively not fat and even if you were, it's not the end of the world.

saveforthat · 08/05/2026 13:29

nam3c4ang3 · 07/05/2026 22:04

Ummmm what?! You’re so incredibly slim?! I can understand why your friends think you’re fishing for compliments tbh - you look great?! Your guy friend is a twat. Distance yourself for him - has he reason to put your down for no reason?

Edited

I agree with your friends, you are fishing for compliments. Either that or you have serious mental health problems.
Signed
A Real Fat Person

moggiek · 08/05/2026 13:24

I think you’re suffering from what used to be called an idee fixe, where a random thought or comment gets stuck and you can’t get rid of it, even though you know it isn’t true. It tends to happen completely out of the blue, even if you’ve never experienced any psychological issues previously. As others have said, some CBT to learn techniques to break out of the loop will help.

PluckedFromThinAir · 08/05/2026 09:53

Confusedmind96 · 07/05/2026 21:59

ive tried so hard to think of the bigger reason its had such an impact but honestly i cant think of anything, i genuinely have never given my weight a thought (even as a teenager, i was always totally fine and didnt care about stuff like that) - although maybe that in itself is the root cause because ive never thought about it until now, ah it’s all so confusing but I’m so annoyed at him for it because a simple joke to him has completely changed me over these last few months

yeah that’s the other thing, it feels so lonely because you can’t talk about it or people will think you’re being ridiculous or compliment fishing, I’ve honestly never felt so miserable and alone with it all over these last few months x

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Maybe it’s not about your weight?

what else is going on in your life?

how we feel about our bodies can be a projection of how we feel about ourselves more broadly - a concrete reason that makes sense of feeling inadequate or ashamed of ourselves in some way that has nothing to do with our actual bodies.

I would advise you to speak to a counsellor about all of this and work out what’s really going on, and why you suddenly feel so exposed/bad about yourself.

I know it’s expensive but you deserve to be content and feel good about yourself, like you have before.

Newsenmum · 08/05/2026 09:15

Confusedmind96 · 07/05/2026 21:56

I wasn’t actually going to post the pictures from when I was in river island but what the hell. It will show how utterly ridiculous im being

the thing is, if I think about it objectively and look at the pictures as if it’s someone else, I think they look fine. But when I know it’s me in the pictures all I can think about is my broad shoulders, or how my arm has gained weight, or how I look chunky even though logically I KNOW I don’t

I KNOW I don’t look fat and I KNOW im not fat, that’s the confusing thing, I know I’m not, but when I look in the mirror I genuinely feel like im seeing a different thing from these objective photos, it honestly feels like my brain is playing tricks on me or as if my eyes are making me see myself different to how I actually am - what is in these pictures is NOT what my brain sees when I look in the mirror now

the only example I can describe it is I KNOW I have blonde hair, so if my brain randomly started trying to convince me I had black hair I would be like eh no I don’t, and if I looked at photos of me with blonde hair and my brain was still like see you have BLACK hair over and over again even though im looking at the blonde hair, it’s like it’s playing tricks on me

I know that sounds totally ridiculous but it’s honestly the best way I can describe it, like when I was in the fitting room looking in the mirror it was as if I was seeing something completely different and my brain was playing tricks on me x

why did he say it? Was he being sarcastic? Because youre obviously very very slim.

Newsenmum · 08/05/2026 09:14

Dont let him win.

Squirrel60 · 08/05/2026 09:12

Dump that so-called ''friend'' immediately and never go back.

Another case of a ''man'' telling a woman what she can and can't do with her own body.

Even if you literally weigh 1 stone or 1000, he has absolutely NO RIGHT to make ''jokes'' about your weight.

Tell him to go f-himself as he's obviously never been anything other than a wanker, because he's a piddly, pathetic, boring little prick with a piddly, pathetic, boring life, so he's trying to bring you down to make himself feel superior.

YOU are GORGEOUS, YOU are INTELLIGENT, exactly as you are. Don't let that self-obsessed arsehole or any others drag you down.

Show him your post and the replies from others here, then drop him for good.

Otterloverfrenchielady · 08/05/2026 09:11

I would tell your friend that if he thinks you, a healthy, active, very slim WOMAN is fat, then you are concerned he views women’s bodies as if they should be that of pre pubescent girls. It’s actually kind of worrying he thinks you are fat. Either he is attracted to / idolising young girls or is negging you to make himself feel bigger. Both cunty and horrible, and both misogynistic and gross.

hope this reframed your thinking.

this incident/ banter / conversation says a lot more about him than you

Lurkingandlearning · 08/05/2026 09:10

Could it be that your friends have never said something so cruel and untrue before? If your friends have always been decent and not masked insults as jokes, this different behaviour is bound to have an impact. Although, as you've said yourself, your reaction has been a bit much and puzzling. You know what he said is untrue so whatever reason he had for saying it is all about him. Keep reminding yourself of that - he's got a problem of his own and was just taking that out on you rather than dealing with it. It could be that he has weight / image issues of his own and your physique irks him.

APatternGrammar · 08/05/2026 09:09

When I was at school, fat was the biggest insult of all so I can understand that it could trigger this reaction in you, particularly as given your figure you would never have heard it applied to you before.
You are very aware of the mental reaction you have had and what caused it so I would think you can see it as a temporary mental state. You will get back to your normal self before too long, especially as you are keen to seek out resources to do so.
Perhaps avoid mirrors and shopping to the extent you can in the meantime. Order stuff to try on at home and get someone else to advise you rather than losing yourself in the mirror.

butterpuffed · 08/05/2026 08:56

Everyone says you're not fat but you are hooked on thinking about the one comment saying you are , when you know you're not .

You're way overthinking what he said . Why?

Goodiebagh · 08/05/2026 08:49

You are very slim and you don't have to be friends with him if he makes you feel bad about yourself (or anyone)
Took me until my 40s to learn this