Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

How do you feel about excess weight on others? That's something to ask yourself privately. Don't answer it here! Maybe you think fat is ugly. Meaning being called fat equates to being called ugly. Or that it indicates laziness, meaning you are lazy yourself.

This is just a thought btw, I am in no way accusing you of being unkind.

Double this. Don't be friends with them anymore.

Actually following on from this, my SIL’s cousin had bulimia when she was younger and at drama school, she was an actress. Lots of pressure to be thin. She’s petite and tiny anyway.

My nephew told me he shits rainbows the other day. He also frequently insists I’m his mother’s evil twin. We are years apart in age 😂 children and drunks both talk absolute bollocks

Darling I'm a bit worried, so please listen to this carefully. A dear friend's daughter started her voyage into anorexia exactly in a similar way. She's a dancer and her dance teacher made a comment on her thighs defining them like "thunder", adding she needed to keep her weight stable. She was a professional dancer, size 8, but body shape very feminine. Trust me size 8 or 10 cannot be fat. 3 years later she was 39kg, in hospital. Anorexia. Fighting for her life. After recovery she started a charity for girls affected by anorexia.

It's subtle so please please look for help right now.

I might be oversensitive over this topic so pls excuse me if I'm going a bit beyond courtesy.

I think you might be very conscious and this makes you sensitive to your look. Please speak to some responsible specialist about it, don't neglect the signals.

Regarding your stupid friend, he truly made a rude comment, sometimes people can be really inappropriate so please consider it as an idiot giving thought to his stupidity.

By the way some male manipulators use denigration to have a power on you, so you know him and why not consider this option.

Wish you the best, you're gorgeous xx

nah I definition don’t fancy him he’s just a mate (long term group of friends from back in the school days!

Which is probably why he said it. Because you don't - and he hates that so much, he had to punish you for it.

Is it possible that when he made that commment, he thought it was funny because it's the opposite of what is true? Like calling an obviously tall person short? Does he have this kind of humour? It would depend on the context and how the conversation was flowing at the time.
We are all brought up in a society that is hyper aware of fatness and loads judgement on to that. It can be baked in from a very young age, often influenced by what our mothers/aunts attitudes. It could be that you thought you were immune to it, on account of not having any problem with your weight whatsoever. But then you get a glimpse of how someone else sees you and you question the whole foundation of where you sit on this issue. Keep fighting against this intrusive other perception!! It is not real. It is not kind. It is not true.
I'd bet if the male friend knew how his comment had landed and what agony it has caused you, he would be mortified and wish he had never said it.

Most men have no idea and rely on an education by internet. Bet he hasn’t got good female role models or intimate relationships. It strikes me as quite sexist. Shop changing rooms are the worst place too. Also- you are getting used to the fact that your friend isn’t who you thought he was as is quite a shallow ignorant arse. Get back to enjoying your own experience of your body as it sounds like it’s usually really good.

If you are this insecure about a stupid and clearly untrue comment then I think there are bigger issues at play here. You seem overly upset about this, is this how you react to any type of perceived criticism? Maybe there are some mental issues at play and you should see a therapist.

I wondered if said friend secretly fancied her, some men (cunts), deliberately put down women they like, called negging apparently. To make the woman feel bad, so she'll consider going out with them. How or why or even IF this works I find doubtful. But I've heard manosphere influencers (also cunts), recommend this to men as a tactic.

Tell him he is fugly.

What a vile human being he is. It’s certainly not true, but even if it were he would still be vile. Ditch him, block him and maybe show him this thread, because A LOT of people think he is an arsehole.

Firstly you look very healthy and natural
Second ..that dress is very pretty, has a Spring/Summer vibe..
Third..Don't allow a "boy" who most likely was "negging" you to question your own self worth..if I had to make an educated guess; he probably has a thing for you or had a thing for you..

Know THYSELF..understand this and immature comments from little insecure boys will have no power over you..

Do something nice for yourself..maybe buy that dress 😎

You're extremely slim. Your "friend" was trying to belittle you; as others have said, this looks like "negging", i.e., men critiquing women to break down their self-confidence. It's straight out of the Andrew Tate playbook. Steer clear of this man, and if you run into him don't mention what he said and don't engage with him. It sounds as if you need to work on your self-confidence, otherwise you will be susceptible to other men trying this ploy.

You are absolutely beautiful, and so slim (though I know you know that!). Bodies change and grow - maybe try some mindfulness exercises that focus on all the things your body does, that keep you strong? Or try to discuss this with a professional. You know you aren't fat (who cares if you were, anyway?!), so is something else going on to elicit this reaction?

That friend either said it as a joke (as it's so obviously and laughably untrue), or they are a toxic person - if so, cut them out of your life!

This definitely sounds like body dysmorphia. How interesting that you’re so aware of it - you know it’s not true but you still feel it. I think often people don’t realise they have it.

I agree with PP that the shiver seems to have been some kind of rewiring and you need to find a way to rewire it back. Maybe CBT or EMDR?

Sounds to me like body dysmorphia (not sure if I spelt that right!) where you brain sees something differently to reality. Book an appointment with your gp or do some googling around that and hopefully you’ll find some answers xx

I wonder if this might have affected you so badly because he’s a friend who you trusted and felt safe with and this very personal and negative comment came out of nowhere and blew that feeling out of the water, leaving you feeling that you didn’t trust your own judgement? Whether he was just messing around and didn’t mean to be hurtful, it was at the very least insensitive as it’s a minefield of a topic. I find it hard to believe that it was completely innocent though. Just to reiterate what others have said, if you continue to feel this way, it would be a good idea to seek help with your reaction as without wanting to pathologise you, it does sound like if it carries on, you could be at risk of developing body dysmorphic disorder. And body dysmorphia itself is a risk factor for developing eating disorders even if you can recognise it for what it is at the moment. Hope you do manage to address this successfully by whatever route.

Someone's either negging you, or has made a joke in bad taste because they assumed you would know you are so not fat that even suggesting it is ridiculous.

None of what was said is true - you have a lovely figure and are a fit and healthy young woman. Shove those negative thoughts into your 'well that was some bullshit' box, and think no more of it. Not true, and not worthy of an ounce of your attention.

By your own admission you have put on weight, you have stated that you have fat arms. He merely confirmed what you think. Yes it's tactless, but is it true? I'm overweight, but I'm active, I run I gym. But I'm still overweight. My partner will mention to me when I've piled it on and it's reciprocated. That said, I think she is beautiful when she is overweight. But she doesn't. If your fat, you're fat. If you don't want to feel or look look fat, or are upset with your body then maybe you need to do some thing about it, or just love your body. Sorry, just seen the photos of you. Your not fat. Not at all. Your mates a cunt or fancies you.

The only way I can make this make sense after seeing your photos is that he knows you're so far from being fat that he just said it as some ridiculous thing?? You know like telling a 6 foot 6 man that they're short?

100% this- except a real friend wouldn't joke about your weight

Hey, I think you might be asking how to reverse the warped view of yourself? Sadly, brains are weird and have the ability to play tricks on us. Read up a bit on how we see things (the literal process of light to eyes to brains and the 'mind's eye'). In the meantime, until you can see yourself 'as a whole' again and be happy with it, maybe consider if you're eating as healthily as you could be and if you're as active as you should be. Never anything wrong with eliminating junk food and doing more exercise. Oh and have a direct conversation with the 'friend' about how their comments impacted you.

Could he have just been taking the p*ss?

Your “friend” is for some reason only known to him is trying to bring you down, you don’t need people like this in your life, they have issues and they are trying to make you feel insecure so that they feel better . He sounds deeply insecure and your beautiful body is intimidating him , that’s what’s really going on. If he ever says something again I would respond loudly and confidently that he must need his eyes testing because you look and feel sexy as hell and then laugh at him . Your confidence in yourself will put him back in his little corner.
I am 45 now and I have so many stories of friends or family making such comments , please take the benefit of my experiences I can guarantee you that all such comments are more about the person than about you, I still get it from time to time now and I just ignore and avoid these people , I am not rude but I don’t engage with them at all, I've seen their circus and its tedious, there are much lovelier people out there for you to be friends with xx