Asking friend to reschedule our day out because she said she’ll have to bring her child

I would bet money that DP has 'booked' something in he's paid for already OR its based around drinking and therefore the discussion has been 'well you can take yours with you, I can't'

Absolutely not unreasonable to say 'That's such a shame but I was really looking forward to some child free time so I don't want to spend the afternoon with someone elses kid however cute he is'
then only you know your friend so, if it was one of my best friends I'd add on 'so tell DP we booked first - whats he doing that he thinks is more important than you having some child free time?'

But if you aren't that honest with each other I'd just wrap upby saying 'I think you two need to get a shared calendar like me and my DH have as this keeps happening. Hopefully we get a catch up soon xx'

Let us know what you did OP!

Since her DP messed up ask her to tell her DP he has to take the child with him

YANBU.

Why isn’t her DP who forgot and double booked changing his plans to look after the child??

Do it..reschedule. The whole premise is a child free day.
The end.

I definitely had friends who actually didn’t want to leave their child behind (particularly a first/only) to meet another friend. This could be for reasons of anxiety, for example, or just that she’s not prepared to put friends over time with her child.

So I’d just be aware of that - everyone else seems to be assuming it’s all the fault of an evil DP! She may be using his unavailability as an excuse

Her husband should be rescheduling. She had you booked in first. Or HE can bring g the kid wherever he's going

I'd have sent her a laughing emoji..

YANBU I agree with everyone else, you don’t arrange childcare for your own kids to then spend the afternoon with someone else’s.

It's absolutely fine to say no to child coming per the original arrangement. And if friend cannot work it out to come alone after that, it's perfectly reasonable for you to (1) suggest cancelling the plans and going another time and (2) going alone if you want.

But I also wondered if there might be something unusual going on here that you as a friend might be concerned about because what your friend has told you - she made arrangements for the child's father to care for the child alone for x period of time but he forgot and made his own plan expecting (but never asking) HER to care for the child alone during that time - makes no sense. A PP suggested that the friend really wants to bring her child and is making the story up, but does that really seem likely? (Why not just arrange an outing with you AND both sets of children and leave you to do a childfree outing with someone else if she doesn't fancy it?) I think it's much more likely that she's afraid to say no to her partner even when he is being ridiculous. I'd worry that there might be control/abuse going on.

Fair enough but I have to say, you're a better person than me. If my friend wanted to keep bringing her kids I'm afraid it would be soft plays and quick catch-ups only until she was out of the trenches.

I wouldn't want to leave my children to spend time with someone else's. I at least like my own!

She said it's not the first time he's done this.

but her DP has forgotten and apparently booked something in

I would be saying to her

"Then it is for your dp to either cancel his thing, or take the dc with him, or arrange a babysitter if he arranged his thing after yours was on the calendar".

There's no way I'd be having a rare child free time of my own taken over by someone else's child.

Her DP hasn't 'forgotten' 'again'. He doesn't want to be responsible for or do his share with his own child. (Also probably why he's a 'P' and not an 'H' )

If she'd already told her DH and he forgot it's him who should be taking their child with him or changing his plans, not your friend.....not that it helps you much. Maybe you asking her to reschedule will help her challenge her DH if he does the same in future? Otherwise it's just the women taking care of the kids again while men do as they please, isn't it 🙄

I will re schedule or make it a children time and bring yours.

She might have a controlling DH…

Or her OH might have asked if he can go out and she’s just said “yes, don’t worry, I’ll take child with me, OP won’t mind.

We clearly don’t know which one it is.

This isn’t the first time her DP has done this

Normally I’d say reschedule, but in this instance I would try to support my friend. Clearly her husband is a selfish git, but it is quite possible that he is also controlling. She may need help and might appreciate a listening ear.

Yes she would rather inconvenience herself and another woman rather than her husband.

Because I love her dearly and she is in the thick of parenting a tough toddler (hers is younger than mine). I know her well, I know her useless DH is the problem.

To be honest, I wouldn't and don't entertain it from anyone else. In fact, I barely know any other friends' kids, I only see them for birthdays or something child focused (rare, most of us arrange babysitters!!).

Yanbu, first poster nailed it. You’d be using your child free time to entertain hers.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5501852-my-friend-always-wants-to-see-me-with-her-kids-but-without-mine?reply=152059053

If it was a genuine mistake and there was no alternative, I would apologise profusely and suggest we rearrange. If my DH had form for it, I would walk out and leave him to deal with the shit show.

The fact your friend has said oh well, I'll just bring them makes her a CF.

Why can’t dh take their child ? If he’s forgotten /booked something

or is she a mum who doesn’t like to be without her child. You said this has happened before

def cancel and tell her why

What did you decide @Marshmallows1302 ?

Why is it your friend's job to capitulate to her incompetent H?
Why should your arrangements be compromised at the expense of his?

It is possible that she forgot to tell her DH, or that he is being controlling or abusive, because why wouldn't she just tell him bad luck that he forgot he has responsibilities and he'll have to cancel his arrangement?

Whatever the reason, I am sick of women always being expected to make the compromise

My DC are older now, but when they were young if we ended up double booking a night out the person who messed up would be the one to cancel, not automatically me.
In your case, i would be a bit worried that her DH was potentially controlling or at least not actually prepared to look after the child on his own. I would definitely not agree to a day out with her child only, but I might consider bringing your children along too on this occasion if you are keen to see her and arranging a childfree time for yourself another time.
I would definitely be probing though, i.e. asking pretty directly why it is always her that has to cancel when they double book and trying to get a sense of whether he is otherwise doing any hands on parenting. Based on that i would take a view on whether it is worth trying to arrange any more adult only meet ups with her.

I am many years out of an abusive relationship.
My absolute first thought was, he is controlling her. You mention this is not the first time.
I could be very wrong and he is just a thoughtless, forgetful knob.
Or something else.
Either way, enjoy your child free time @Marshmallows1302