Was I U to tell a doctor she’ll understand when she’s a mum?

You are upset for unresolved personal reasons. Leave her alone.

I think you are assuming her skills at taking emotion out of a situation in order to effectively deal with the issue in hand equates to her not being bothered or not caring.

But fuck me, you're very very unreasonable to say that to a her. You don't know whether she's not already trying for children. Regardless, she might be very able to understand the upset of seeing a child who is close to you injured she hurt WITHOUT succumbing that upset herself.

I am VERY squealish. I can't watch 24hrs in A&E without hiding behind a cushion and I've fainted before now watching blood being taken. I used to work in the NHS in a role that had very little blood and guts so it wasn't an issue. Until one Lady came into my clinic who'd fallen in the car park and tore all the skin off the palm of her hand. It had come off very cleanly in one sheet, and you could see the sheen of the muscles inside undearneath the big flap of skin. Somehow, and I have no idea, I calmed her down, washed the gravel out, cleaned it up, dressed it and sent her to A&E for stitches and clinical assessment incase she needed plastic surgery involvement. Kept it together and did what was necessary, because, well, that's my job. And once she'd left my civic room I immediately threw up into the waste paper bin. I then had to sit down and call for reception to get me a glass of water and sit with my head between my knees so I didn't faint. I was absolutely shaking. The lady came back the week after with a box of chocolates to show how grateful she was that I'd kept her calm and reassured her. She said that A&E had commented on how well I'd cleaned and dressed it. She was stunned when I told her I was so squeamish I'd been sick in the bin when she left as I'd handled it so well at the time. And you know what? That's a skill I've developed and work damn hard on.

You were patronising and belittling to her skill. As you're going to cross paths with her again I really do think you owe her an apology.

But do you rub it in by announcing to the worried parents how unconcerned you are (and therefore better than them)?

I bet (hope) you don't, because that would be outrageously lacking in empathy.

OP i think you're getting a really hard time. In the throes of a stressful and triggering situation you said something it sounds like you're conflicted about - you seem to realise it was OTT but at the same time you're pissed off about parents being belittled, ignored and fobbed off by doctors.

I hear you. I'm sorry for what you've been through.

But gently, let this go. You mean well but going round to lecture the friend of friend on her crappy bedside manner will not be well received. This is probably something she'll have to learn through her own experience at work.

I hope the kid is ok.

This has got under my skin. My child fought cancer for several years at an age where his doctors really relied on my husband and I to interpret his pain, translate toddler speak, spot symptoms etc. The team told us on day 1 of the diagnosis that no one knows the child better than the parents (they actually said mother but I chose to ignore this slightly patriarchal view) and they needed us to be vocal. My husband and I, who are pretty relaxed, originally thought “we’ll trust the professionals (ie the doctors)” but realised quickly that we really did need to point out things.

I think this has zero relevance to the accident with the 4yo. What the drs meant isn't that because you're a mum you instinctively know if something is wrong, but that you are an expert in one specific patient. There are a lot of doctors still involved in my child's care (been through similar to yours by the sound of it, at a similar age), and whilst they are the experts in their specialism, I am the expert in my child.

If your experience is anything like ours, they also like saying that we are the experts in our child, but still not taking what we say seriously, and then apologising afterwards.

So yes, you were unreasonable for what you said.

OP I am so sorry to hear your child experienced cancer. That must have been terrifying for you and your family. And maybe subconsciously that trauma you went through has affected how you may now respond to certain situations where there are unwell or hurt children?

I think the comment was unnecessary (as others have pointed out, you have no idea if she can have children or even if she wants them) but given the history you mentioned I can see this being a knee jerk response rather than a deliberate attempt to be mean.

Is it possible the doctor just meant she tries to stay focused? I would like to think she wasn't being dismissive of the worries and concern, rather that she was making a comment about her as a medic needing to stay level headed and calm.

That's not what was said at all. Read the post.

No you are not. She was being an insensitive tone deaf show off. Who cares if she’s immune to the child’s suffering? That immunity does nothing for the child or parents, it’s a totally self centred approach. M The situation was not about her. But the medical profession can be incredibly arrogant so it doesn’t surprise me.

You were so rude, as well as wrong.

Not all women want children. Some of us are even doctors. And exceptionally good at what we do.

In stressful situations I look about as calm as anyone possible could be. Helps the team and the patient. In the moment you do become almost immune to it because you have to be to make split second decisions and assess the situation accurately. Does it mean I don’t care? Of course not.

So not only did you misunderstand her and make an obnoxious comment, but now you want to lecture her again about how to do her job?

Batshit.

Quite.

My baby had an injury when she was 6 weeks old. We rushed her to children’s A&E. Doctor checked her out and said she seems fine but would get senior doctor to come in and check.

Senior doctor came in and agreed that she looked fine but felt I knew my baby best. I said that I didn’t think she was behaving normally. Senior doctor said that’s good enough reason for her to order a CT scan and it turns out she had a serious fracture.

I'm a doctor, she sounds a bit over confident for a newly qualified one. It's written into the guidelines now to take the parents concerns seriously as it's been proven to predict a deteriorating child, separate to objective data. Listening to Mums' instincts has paid off a lot in my career.

This reminds me of a minor altercation between a friend’s sister - a junior doctor and their mum. Friend’s sister came home from her shift ( first week) on paediatric ward. On describing her night to her mum ( mother of four) she described an ‘annoying’ five year old ( parents not there) very distressed at his drip as it was ‘a needle going into his arm’. She said with impatient scorn that she’d told him there was no needle but ‘he howled on and on’.

Friend’s mum tore a strip off her telling her that she’d be a useless doc if she lacked the imagination to put herself in the shoes of a distressed kid and the patience to try to think about how best to reach them. When doc later became mum she admitted that she’d been a ‘hard hearted Hannah’.

Doctors need to understand that they can make a patient feel much worse or better through their interactions with a patient alone - this tenfold when dealing with the very young or very old.

That's not what she said, she said she ignored the inevitable noise etc and got on with the job of treating the injury.

I’d want a dispassionate doctor who could ignore anxious vibes and assess the situation, personally. As someone who has walked through infertility I’d also ask you why you feel assumptions/judgements regarding another woman’s reproductive status are necessary. Perhaps ask yourself the hard questions instead of focusing on this woman. For example, do you really believe that you are inherently superior and your judgement is better purely because unprotected sex led to a pregnancy for you?

Maybe you will understand when/if you become a doctor. The last thing an injured child needs is an hysterical doctor.

I think your comment was patronising and twatty. Crass too.

It sounds to me like she was, perhaps a bit clumsily, describing one of her strategies for keeping her cool under pressure. Surely it is better than her being a screaming, hysterical mess.

You should never have commented on whether or not she ever becomes a mother. As I said, patronising at best, crass at worst. You don't know whether or not you might be speaking to someone who is infertile, or what her obstetric history might be.

You were being unreasonable .. and rude.
I think she meant she could stay calm and focused despite any stress and anxiety from the patient and family.
I also can’t imagine the injury was so bad that 2 of you were completely soaked in blood 🤨 Heads bleed a lot, even from a tiny cut. It doesn’t mean it’s an horrendous injury.

I would be more concerned with the idea that doctors who are mothers are expected to be dramatic and emotional instead of professional. She doesn't sound like a particularly good doctor but what you said was not nice either.

More to the point, why didn’t the 4 year old not have an adult with her?

I wondered that too. And I'm not a mum either. Wonder why one of these incredible "you'll understand when you're a mum" supermums wasn't watching their child which led to the accident in the first place...surely that's what OP should be focusing on!

Lots of doctors are annoying, especially young ones; patronising women for being childless is a bit annoying too.

I once had this said to me. Entirely different context ( I’m not a Dr) but still incredibly rude, thoughtless and patronising.

I have children but I really hate it when women comment to other women that they can't possibly understand children or what real love feels like etc. because they haven't got any (yet). She might've had miscarriages for all you know. It's potentially a cruel thing to say. We all know children to some extent because we've all been one.

I sense the OP will not be coming back but I did wonder how she knew this woman wasn't a mum?