Was I U to tell a doctor she’ll understand when she’s a mum?

She’s newly graduated which means she’s not actually a doctor yet. Where she works she will be the lowest tier on the ladder. She will be faced with all the crappy jobs, bad hours and trodden all over just like all the other new graduate doctors. That makes people behave badly. People outside of the field are the only people that they can push a senior view to. So you got a smug response to a situation. You retaliated. It’s fine. Just avoid her till she’s less green.

If Doctors allowed the emotional state of their patients to overwhelm them they wouldn't be fit to practice. They need to build a bit of a buffer for self protection and to remain effective.

She said basically she remains calm in these situations which is exactly what you expect a DR to do . You patronised her . Totally out of order.

No I don’t because I don’t think I’m better than anyone. I have knowledge and skills yes but I am human and fallible.

And it isn’t about being unconcerned, it is about managing stress and emotions in sometimes the worst situations imaginable.

When everyone is panicking, you want the Doctor who is calm.

Hmm I think I’d prefer a Dr who remained calm in the presence of upset children & worried parents. What did you want her to do? I doubt it would have helped if she had become emotional or hysterical!!

It sounds like you are projecting your past experience here tbh.

I think you both sound patronising

with kindness just because you are mum it doesn’t mean you know how to be a paeds doctor.
This doctor really doesn’t need your thoughts on how she can improve her professionalism.

I agree that doctors need to be calm. But how does it help to point that out in that specific moment? How does it help to paint the parent as irrational when they’re seeing their child soaked in blood?

Yeah you were out of order. You could tell her she was being an idiot (or stronger). You didn't have to bring her womb into it and it was weird to do that

I think you did the right thing.
she is a young inexperienced doctor. And needs to understand about empathy.
She could have learnt a very important lesson there. So well done. But leave it now you don’t need to say anything else to her.

Yes that was a horrible and insensitive thing to say to her.

@lawandorder2026 I know, I just get where she was going with the comment.

How can you say she will understand when she is a mum? Not every woman will have children

I don't know what doing so would achieve, her hubris will only likely be pricked through life experience.

But people commenting on here as though having a child isn't the most life altering choice you can make and one that does alter your perception are ignoring a fundamental truth of the human condition. Whether or not she chooses to or is able to have children, does not change the fact that having children would alter her understanding of children and the parental relationship.

I'm sorry your child had cancer and hope they are doing well.

That doesn't mean your remark wasn't incredibly patronising and unnecessary. Some people will never be parents (whether through choice or not) and can still be excellent doctors. Some doctors could be parents and not be great doctors, the being a parent bit doesn't suddenly enhance their medical practice. Some doctors can be patronising to parents but that's so annoying that it should put people off being patronising!

I see this neighbour almost daily, and will run into her doctor friend undoubtedly over the coming days (she is staying with them). Would it be unreasonable to tell her she needs to stop being immune to upset kids and their appropriately concerned parents?

Oh god I missed this bottom bit. No don't make it even worse! You've already had a go at her about it-I think she's got the message!

It sounds like a misunderstanding, and honestly like you're projecting your past issues with doctors onto this woman.

Even if she actually was as insensitive as you think she was, there still would have been no need to pull the "you don't have children" card on her. If your point was "I think you need to be more tuned into the child's distress in order to be a good doctor" or "I think you need to listen to parents more, because sometimes we're invaluable in communicating our child's pain", then you could have just said as much. There was absolutely no need to drag her personal life into the conversation.

But then, if you'd just made your points, she might have been able to put forward her own point of view, and I think you just wanted the feeling of an easy win here. This accident triggered memories of your child's illness, and you lashed out. It wasn't about this woman, or this child. It was about you and your child, and the feelings you still hold from that time. So, yes. I'm sorry. I feel for you, but YABU.

And it should go without saying that motherhood doesn't grant a person an instant sense of empathy either. Plenty of mothers remain just as disinterested in other people's children after giving birth as they were before. I see that every day.

I actually get why you made the comment. You were offended she thought you were overreacting or whatever. And she'll understand when she's a mum how that type of accident panics a parent. Still, you can't really say that kind of thing as it's such an emotive and offensive comment for many reasons.

Perhaps you could apologise and explain it was the heat of the moment and you shouldn't have said it?

It sounds like she had the good manners to restrain herself and not retort to tell you how uppity and condescending you were. I suggest you not make matters worse by bringing it up again.

She’s a Dr, you are a patient or the parent of a patient. These aren’t the same role. They are both valuable and both protect patients.

The intercom was left on once so I heard the doctor being really sniffy about all the gravel in my dd's knee before I went in - as did everyone else in the surgery. I fucking roasted her when I got in. Had just found out that one of the twins I was carrying had hypoplastic left heart and would not survive beyond a couple of days. On the way home from this appointment dd1 fell over and had so much gravel from the stupid hospital car park embedded in her knee.

I told her very calmly exactly how i felt and how her rudeness had almost sent me over the edge. Her excuse was she didn't know that. My point was she should wait to hear the story.

Don't know if it was a coincidence that our regular gp popped in totally uninvited for a cup of tea that weekend. I hope she learned from it and thought just a little bit before she spoke in future.

I think anyone who utters the words you’ll understand when you’re a mum needs to STFU and not say them, in any situation
you have no clue if they’ve been through cancer and are infertile due to it, if they were born without ovaries, a million other reasons or they simply don’t want children

the only more annoying phrase is “you don’t know true love until you have children”
guess I’ll never know then hey?

As a doctor dealing with infertility, this would be like a punch in the gut to me. Yes, her wording was clumsy for sure. You were incredibly patronising however and this interaction says a lot more about you than it does about her.