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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I U to tell a doctor she’ll understand when she’s a mum?

310 replies

Calmondeck · 06/05/2026 21:28

I usually hate when people say things like “you’ll only understand when…”, “you don’t know because you’ve never…” etc etc

But today I found myself telling a newly graduated doctor that she won’t understand until she’s a mother.

For context, a neighbour (aged 4) had a huge crash on their bike. Their helmet was dented from the impact and they had blood gushing from their forehead. There were no other adults around, just myself and my children, I attended to the child until his mother found him. At this point the child and I were covered in so much blood that both our shirts were soaked.

By coincidence the mother had a friend present, a newly graduated doctor, who told us proudly that she’s so used to seeing screaming children and overly anxious parents that she’s immune to it. She just walks into anxious rooms and “ignores the vibe”.

There was a pause, and I found myself saying she’ll understand if she ever becomes a mother.

She didn’t say anything in reply.

This has got under my skin. My child fought cancer for several years at an age where his doctors really relied on my husband and I to interpret his pain, translate toddler speak, spot symptoms etc. The team told us on day 1 of the diagnosis that no one knows the child better than the parents (they actually said mother but I chose to ignore this slightly patriarchal view) and they needed us to be vocal. My husband and I, who are pretty relaxed, originally thought “we’ll trust the professionals (ie the doctors)” but realised quickly that we really did need to point out things.

I see this neighbour almost daily, and will run into her doctor friend undoubtedly over the coming days (she is staying with them). Would it be unreasonable to tell her she needs to stop being immune to upset kids and their appropriately concerned parents?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/05/2026 12:45

and op of a kid comes off their bike and has what might be a serious head injury, best not to move them.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/05/2026 12:39

she needs to be able to put aside the anxiety in the room and calm it, not feed into it. yes a good doctor listens to parents, but even the best parents don't know everything. ab over anxious parent can spiral easily - do you want the doctor to fall into that spiral too?

yes, she's obnoxious but she's new to the job and feeling a bit full of herself. worrying the kids got a big head injury and you lot are standing there debating the best way to emotionally be.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 07/05/2026 12:38

Calmondeck · 07/05/2026 12:14

Thanks for all of the replies.

For those who asked - the child had zoomed away from the mum, knowing the direction to where me and my children were located in the park. The kid was going way too fast, down a steep hill, I just heard the sound of him yelling out hello and saw the fall. It was several minutes until his mum/friend came upon the scene.

I was calm and carried the child to where my stroller was parked so I could get a stack of tissues and stem the blood flow. I was still holding his head tight and had him in my arms sitting on a bench when the mum/doctor arrived. I was not anxious or distressed.

I’m not suggesting that a doctor needs to be anxious or distressed at all. Obviously that wouldn’t help any situation at all. I also think most parents do their best to remain relatively calm for their child’s sake. I’ve spent almost 4 years in pediatric oncology, operating waiting rooms and had more visits to the emergency department than most, and the majority of parents are doing their utmost to soothe their child and normalise the atmosphere.

I was concerned by the dismissive attitude of this doctor that she needs to ignore the screams of the child / the “vibe” of the parents. If the child is screaming - is that how they usually react? Does this indicate panic? That they’re in more pain than could be reasonably assumed in whatever circumstance/injury? That the child is particularly fearful? I would hope a doctor would get a read from the parent.

For those saying I wouldn’t say this to a man - I absolutely would (though as everyone has pointed out, do it more tactfully). I explained to the doctor that my husband has PTSD from our son’s crying. He is not ever overtly anxious in front of our child when they are going through a procedure or in pain etc., but internally he’s extremely stressed.

I do believe that the neurological changes that occur for women in pregnancy that result in permanent brain changes do shift how the mother reacts to her own child. And male parent brain scans are starting to indicate similar. I know I definitely feel more internal stress when it’s my own child crying than another child. That’s not to say I don’t feel empathy, as most reasonable adults would, but it hits differently when it’s your own child.

Anyway, the tone of this conversation with the doctor wasn’t negative, she went on to state she’s hoping to start a family within the coming year. But I do appreciate my comment was out of order. I did feel like an 85 yr old waggling my finger as I said it.
i just wanted her to realise that she doesn’t know what those “overly” anxious parents are feeling and not to dismiss it. But I didn’t go about that the right way.

i won’t be bringing it up again with her, but i do hope her future patients and parents are met with an ounce more empathy.

Oh god, you’re one of those.

Toddlerteaplease · 07/05/2026 12:36

I’m a paediatric nurse, I don’t have kids. Although desperately wanted them. I hate it when parents ask me if I have children. I always think they are implying that I can’t be any good if I don’t have kids. I’m sure they don’t mean that. But it’s how it comes across.

italianmountains · 07/05/2026 12:33

Calmondeck · 07/05/2026 12:14

Thanks for all of the replies.

For those who asked - the child had zoomed away from the mum, knowing the direction to where me and my children were located in the park. The kid was going way too fast, down a steep hill, I just heard the sound of him yelling out hello and saw the fall. It was several minutes until his mum/friend came upon the scene.

I was calm and carried the child to where my stroller was parked so I could get a stack of tissues and stem the blood flow. I was still holding his head tight and had him in my arms sitting on a bench when the mum/doctor arrived. I was not anxious or distressed.

I’m not suggesting that a doctor needs to be anxious or distressed at all. Obviously that wouldn’t help any situation at all. I also think most parents do their best to remain relatively calm for their child’s sake. I’ve spent almost 4 years in pediatric oncology, operating waiting rooms and had more visits to the emergency department than most, and the majority of parents are doing their utmost to soothe their child and normalise the atmosphere.

I was concerned by the dismissive attitude of this doctor that she needs to ignore the screams of the child / the “vibe” of the parents. If the child is screaming - is that how they usually react? Does this indicate panic? That they’re in more pain than could be reasonably assumed in whatever circumstance/injury? That the child is particularly fearful? I would hope a doctor would get a read from the parent.

For those saying I wouldn’t say this to a man - I absolutely would (though as everyone has pointed out, do it more tactfully). I explained to the doctor that my husband has PTSD from our son’s crying. He is not ever overtly anxious in front of our child when they are going through a procedure or in pain etc., but internally he’s extremely stressed.

I do believe that the neurological changes that occur for women in pregnancy that result in permanent brain changes do shift how the mother reacts to her own child. And male parent brain scans are starting to indicate similar. I know I definitely feel more internal stress when it’s my own child crying than another child. That’s not to say I don’t feel empathy, as most reasonable adults would, but it hits differently when it’s your own child.

Anyway, the tone of this conversation with the doctor wasn’t negative, she went on to state she’s hoping to start a family within the coming year. But I do appreciate my comment was out of order. I did feel like an 85 yr old waggling my finger as I said it.
i just wanted her to realise that she doesn’t know what those “overly” anxious parents are feeling and not to dismiss it. But I didn’t go about that the right way.

i won’t be bringing it up again with her, but i do hope her future patients and parents are met with an ounce more empathy.

And I hope you have more empathy for women who might not be able to have their own children.

Original poster
Calmondeck · 07/05/2026 12:14

Thanks for all of the replies.

For those who asked - the child had zoomed away from the mum, knowing the direction to where me and my children were located in the park. The kid was going way too fast, down a steep hill, I just heard the sound of him yelling out hello and saw the fall. It was several minutes until his mum/friend came upon the scene.

I was calm and carried the child to where my stroller was parked so I could get a stack of tissues and stem the blood flow. I was still holding his head tight and had him in my arms sitting on a bench when the mum/doctor arrived. I was not anxious or distressed.

I’m not suggesting that a doctor needs to be anxious or distressed at all. Obviously that wouldn’t help any situation at all. I also think most parents do their best to remain relatively calm for their child’s sake. I’ve spent almost 4 years in pediatric oncology, operating waiting rooms and had more visits to the emergency department than most, and the majority of parents are doing their utmost to soothe their child and normalise the atmosphere.

I was concerned by the dismissive attitude of this doctor that she needs to ignore the screams of the child / the “vibe” of the parents. If the child is screaming - is that how they usually react? Does this indicate panic? That they’re in more pain than could be reasonably assumed in whatever circumstance/injury? That the child is particularly fearful? I would hope a doctor would get a read from the parent.

For those saying I wouldn’t say this to a man - I absolutely would (though as everyone has pointed out, do it more tactfully). I explained to the doctor that my husband has PTSD from our son’s crying. He is not ever overtly anxious in front of our child when they are going through a procedure or in pain etc., but internally he’s extremely stressed.

I do believe that the neurological changes that occur for women in pregnancy that result in permanent brain changes do shift how the mother reacts to her own child. And male parent brain scans are starting to indicate similar. I know I definitely feel more internal stress when it’s my own child crying than another child. That’s not to say I don’t feel empathy, as most reasonable adults would, but it hits differently when it’s your own child.

Anyway, the tone of this conversation with the doctor wasn’t negative, she went on to state she’s hoping to start a family within the coming year. But I do appreciate my comment was out of order. I did feel like an 85 yr old waggling my finger as I said it.
i just wanted her to realise that she doesn’t know what those “overly” anxious parents are feeling and not to dismiss it. But I didn’t go about that the right way.

i won’t be bringing it up again with her, but i do hope her future patients and parents are met with an ounce more empathy.

OP posts:
BiteSizeByzantine · 07/05/2026 11:02

Tabla · 07/05/2026 10:05

And sometimes those not killed are seriously and unnecessarily disabled my friend badgered doctors for over a year for her dd

The doctors were really dismissive of her told her she was over anxious and her child was fine. Well it was a brain tumour and if it had been taken out when my friend first went to the Doctor it would’ve been straightforward but with the massive delays when my friend was trying to get doctors to believe her, the child has ended up permanently disabled

Show quote history

That's so sad, its appalling isnt it.

GreyfriarsJobbies · 07/05/2026 10:44

I thought the AIBU was going to be 'Should I have said the thing about understanding when you're a mother?', which would have been debatable. I never expected it to be 'Should I take it further by bringing it up again next time I see her?'; that's just mental!

alexandrasm · 07/05/2026 10:41

WhatAMarvelousTune · 06/05/2026 21:41

She sounds like a bit of a twat. She was visiting a friend, the friend’s child was injured to the point of soaking their top with blood, and she thinks that’s the moment to announce how she’s immune to “overly anxious parents”? How is that helpful? It’s horribly patronising.
And it does sound like she’s the kind of dr who would be quite dismissive of parental concerns - I once had a dr dismissing my concerns about DD2 who was 6 weeks old. She told me it was nothing, then she happened to ask if I had other children. I said I had an older child, and she replied “oh well now I know you’re not just an anxious first time mum, I think you should go to A&E.” DD2 ended up being admitted. That dr probably proudly talked about not listening to parents she deems anxious.

No she doesn’t. She sounds level headed.

Flyingkitez · 07/05/2026 10:34

I think the doctor was lacking in consideration of her friends situation in that moment. You do not know her personal circumstances relating to children. however what she said clearly triggered you. I don’t think you need to say anything more but I can see why you said what you did.

SagathaChristie · 07/05/2026 10:29

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/05/2026 09:19

You want a doctor who will act with emotion as if it’s their own child instead of calm detachment? How do you expect them to make difficult decisions ? Would you expect that of a male doctor as well?

Drs would be burnt out very quickly.

Show quote history

That’s not what I said at all.

GinaandGin · 07/05/2026 10:29

You were rude
And Patronising
Would you say to a respiratory doctor
Oh you will understand my respiratory condition if you had asthma like me

BauhausOfEliott · 07/05/2026 10:29

bumptybum · 06/05/2026 21:30

A good doctor doesn’t ’ignore the vibe’.
they use all information presented to them.

Often, in an emergency situation, the correct reaction to someone who is anxious and screaming is to stay calm and not fuel their anxiety by fussing and validating it.

And it's not about being a parent. Some parents, when their child has an accident, make the child much worse by being very obviously anxious and panicky around them and fussing too much instead of hiding their fears and being the calm, sensible and soothing presence that they need to be for their injured child. If the parent can't do that, the doctor needs to be that person.

You can see a low-key version of this when kids, eg, fall over in a playground. Some parents immediately rush over and start flapping and saying 'Oh no, poor baby, you've scraped your knee, it's bleeding, does it hurt, it looks so sore' and are visible stressy about it. Others rush over and say 'Ah, OK, don't worry, it's just a little scrape, that must have startled you but it'll stop hurting in a minute, nothing to worry about' and then give them a hug and let the kid get on with it.

It is invariably the first type of parent whose kids scream and cry and look miserable for 20 minutes and want to go home, and the second type of parent whose kids have a quick cuddle and then chill out and go back off to play again.

OP, as you think a doctor doesn't understand certain situations because she's not a mother, maybe you need to remember that you also don't understand certain situations because you're not a doctor. I'm incredibly sorry for what you had to go through with your own child, but the role of doctor in an emergency situation is completely different from the role of a parent or patient and they do need to cut through the panic and focus on the immediate task of treating a child's injury.

Peachsandcream · 07/05/2026 10:17

I think doctors see so many patients, and in emergency situations they process the issue mechanically. I think that is what she meant.

don’t think she is uncaring, I think focussed on providing best care to get best outcome

so I think your comment was a bit unnecessary

Ansjovis · 07/05/2026 10:06

It is never okay to say that to a woman, no matter what the context.

I've had it said to me before. I have no children, will never have children and there was never any time when I had even the faintest possibility of having children. I've learnt to live with this but I will never fully heal from it.

Whether this woman has room to improve as a medical professional is a separate issue, but it is never okay to say what you said.

Tabla · 07/05/2026 10:05

BiteSizeByzantine · 07/05/2026 09:48

Not when the worry is reasonable. This attitude has killed quite a few people I know

Show quote history

And sometimes those not killed are seriously and unnecessarily disabled my friend badgered doctors for over a year for her dd

The doctors were really dismissive of her told her she was over anxious and her child was fine. Well it was a brain tumour and if it had been taken out when my friend first went to the Doctor it would’ve been straightforward but with the massive delays when my friend was trying to get doctors to believe her, the child has ended up permanently disabled

Overwhelmedandtired · 07/05/2026 10:04

I don't think it would necessarily be about her becoming a mum, more her becoming a more experienced Dr. She's newly qualified, so hasn't had time in the role to learn different ways to react appropriately in different situations. Sometimes Drs will need to be emotionally detached to deal with the situation, particularly in emergencies when screaming, emotional parents wouldn't help (not suggesting you were in this situation, more how some of the parents she comes across may act). A longer term cancer diagnosis is different, when more empathy and compassion is needed.

Her comments weren't appropriate, but neither was yours, although more understandable as you were looking after a hurt young child and it was in response to something that didn't need to be said.

I know in the early stages of my current role I reacted differently to some clients than I would now, with more experience in how others have reacted to recommendations I have made. Hopefully this Dr will learn over time more emotional intelligence to deal with people in difficult situations.

AquaLeader · 07/05/2026 09:57

Andrea, is this you?

(Andrea Leadsom's assertions to The Times that being a mother would make her a better Prime Minister than Theresa May.)

OriginalSkang · 07/05/2026 09:52

blackcatlove · 07/05/2026 09:51

Think you come off worse than her tbh. Medical staff do have to ignore the hysteria and get on with the job.

Unless they are writing things off as hysteria when they aren't, which is precisely what happened in this case

blackcatlove · 07/05/2026 09:51

Think you come off worse than her tbh. Medical staff do have to ignore the hysteria and get on with the job.

BiteSizeByzantine · 07/05/2026 09:48

CurdinHenry · 06/05/2026 21:31

I think it is fine to ignore worriers in medicine tbh

Show quote history

Not when the worry is reasonable. This attitude has killed quite a few people I know

Tabla · 07/05/2026 09:48

I think the dr’s attitude was arrogant, dismissive and ignorant. A child’s parents can be a valuable and crucial source of info. It’s one thing to be calm in a crisis, but she needs to be careful that doesn’t turn into a lax attitude where things are missed.

I don’t understand what kind of fuckwit doesn’t closely supervise a 4yo on a bike anyway, even just having eyes on them? <<Awaits some Mner’s kid having won the Tour de France aged 4 on a balance bike>>

This is a 4yo with a head injury. I mean likely the kid is fine, but as you say she might understand when she’s a mother. Overall I think you comment was warranted.

Hne123 · 07/05/2026 09:45

I am a doctor and I agree with previous posters, this is a newly qualified dr who has clearly very little experience.

Yes it is important to remain calm and to protect yourself, but it is also very important to care about your patients and treat them with respect.

Once this Doctor has actually cared for people she will feel differently. In reality it is impossible to totally shut yourself off emotionally.

While your response was also rude it was probably an early lesson for her in appropriate bedside manner. Thinking about it I probably also said some stupid things when I was a new graduate trying to show off that I’d be mortified by now.

OriginalSkang · 07/05/2026 09:30

I think a better response would have been "Wow, you've picked up the bedside manner so quickly!"

RunsABit · 07/05/2026 09:22

What a shitty thing for you to say. You do know that not every woman wants to have or can have children? I can't bear people who think that only by being a mother are you validated as a woman. I'm a teacher and would take a bullet for each and every pupil in my care, I love my DP's children with every fibre in my body, but I have never wanted children of my own.
YABVU

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