Was I U to tell a doctor she’ll understand when she’s a mum?

Unfortunately when it comes to paediatric cancer (or cancer in general, I imagine) it is far from an unusual situation.

My son is also permanently disabled due to medical professionals not acting quickly enough. In my son's case, he desperately needed surgery as the cancer had caused a bowel obstruction but the surgical registrar insisted he just had a tummy bug and he 'wasn't surgical'. Despite the fact that my son was very obviously vomiting up faeces, he still went on to claim that he didn't need surgery.

By the time it was finally agreed that he did need surgery, sepsis had set in, my son went into multi organ failure and had a 17 minute cardiac arrest.

Completely preventable and very nearly cost my son his life. He was also too unwell for chemotherapy due to how seriously unwell he was with septic shock which meant the cancer was surgically removed with the hope it didn't come back but it did come back 4 months later. Something else which was completely preventable.

It's quite telling that every single parent I have met who has had a child with cancer, no matter what type of cancer, it almost always starts with medical professionals not taking them seriously until it rapidly progresses to the point it can't be ignored or dismissed as just a tummy bug or a viral infection.

Of course it is a sad situation. And there often lessons to learn.

But for every one situation like this, there are thousands where the oarents "knew" with the same absolute certainty there was a problem, some even more than the commenter here, and it was nothing serious at all.

That's the complicated part, figuring this out.

Selection bias makes people think they have abilities they don't, especially with stories they hear. Many parents will have had situations they blank out of memory and can't even recall where they genuinely though there was something wrong as certain as that commenter was and it was nothing, then later there is a situation where there was something wrong and it is serious. Of course all they will say is "they knew" and its terrible they weren't believed.

And I hope you have more empathy for women who might not be able to have their own children.

That's so sad, its appalling isnt it.

"i do hope her future patients and parents are met with an ounce more empathy."

What empathy would you have expected her to demonstrate in this situation that she didn't? What was the "correct" response of a friend of a parent who's child came off their bike and was being tended to by a neighbour?

You'll understand when you're a first aider.

That's not what she said though op. She said
"Im so used to seeing screaming children and overly anxious parents that [I'm] immune to it. [I] just walk into anxious rooms and “ignores the vibe”.

ignoring the 'vibe' is not the same as ignoring the parent or child. It means not getting yourself caught up in the drama while observing everyone and making a calm assessment. Being immune to seeing screaming kids or anxious parents again doesn't suggest not caring about them or having empathy for them, it just means it doesn't personally emotionally impact her as much as it probably did when she started training.

That's totally normal for any professional working in high stakes or traumatic lines of work.

I think you've read your own (very legitimate) experiences of maybe feeling unheard by professionals into what she said but I didn't read it and go there at all. But then I also work in a role that involves vicarious trauma (and am a parent) so maybe I'm seeing a different perspective as to what she meant by that.

Thanks for all of the replies.

For those who asked - the child had zoomed away from the mum, knowing the direction to where me and my children were located in the park. The kid was going way too fast, down a steep hill, I just heard the sound of him yelling out hello and saw the fall. It was several minutes until his mum/friend came upon the scene.

I was calm and carried the child to where my stroller was parked so I could get a stack of tissues and stem the blood flow. I was still holding his head tight and had him in my arms sitting on a bench when the mum/doctor arrived. I was not anxious or distressed.

I’m not suggesting that a doctor needs to be anxious or distressed at all. Obviously that wouldn’t help any situation at all. I also think most parents do their best to remain relatively calm for their child’s sake. I’ve spent almost 4 years in pediatric oncology, operating waiting rooms and had more visits to the emergency department than most, and the majority of parents are doing their utmost to soothe their child and normalise the atmosphere.

I was concerned by the dismissive attitude of this doctor that she needs to ignore the screams of the child / the “vibe” of the parents. If the child is screaming - is that how they usually react? Does this indicate panic? That they’re in more pain than could be reasonably assumed in whatever circumstance/injury? That the child is particularly fearful? I would hope a doctor would get a read from the parent.

For those saying I wouldn’t say this to a man - I absolutely would (though as everyone has pointed out, do it more tactfully). I explained to the doctor that my husband has PTSD from our son’s crying. He is not ever overtly anxious in front of our child when they are going through a procedure or in pain etc., but internally he’s extremely stressed.

I do believe that the neurological changes that occur for women in pregnancy that result in permanent brain changes do shift how the mother reacts to her own child. And male parent brain scans are starting to indicate similar. I know I definitely feel more internal stress when it’s my own child crying than another child. That’s not to say I don’t feel empathy, as most reasonable adults would, but it hits differently when it’s your own child.

Anyway, the tone of this conversation with the doctor wasn’t negative, she went on to state she’s hoping to start a family within the coming year. But I do appreciate my comment was out of order. I did feel like an 85 yr old waggling my finger as I said it.
i just wanted her to realise that she doesn’t know what those “overly” anxious parents are feeling and not to dismiss it. But I didn’t go about that the right way.

i won’t be bringing it up again with her, but i do hope her future patients and parents are met with an ounce more empathy.

Oh here we go…. The child was not immobile on the ground. They had leapt to their feet, the blood was gushing down their forehead, and he was staggering around unable to see through the blood.

But I’ll wait for the first aid brigade to berate me

I’m a paediatric nurse, I don’t have kids. Although desperately wanted them. I hate it when parents ask me if I have children. I always think they are implying that I can’t be any good if I don’t have kids. I’m sure they don’t mean that. But it’s how it comes across.

Thanks for all of the replies.

For those who asked - the child had zoomed away from the mum, knowing the direction to where me and my children were located in the park. The kid was going way too fast, down a steep hill, I just heard the sound of him yelling out hello and saw the fall. It was several minutes until his mum/friend came upon the scene.

I was calm and carried the child to where my stroller was parked so I could get a stack of tissues and stem the blood flow. I was still holding his head tight and had him in my arms sitting on a bench when the mum/doctor arrived. I was not anxious or distressed.

I’m not suggesting that a doctor needs to be anxious or distressed at all. Obviously that wouldn’t help any situation at all. I also think most parents do their best to remain relatively calm for their child’s sake. I’ve spent almost 4 years in pediatric oncology, operating waiting rooms and had more visits to the emergency department than most, and the majority of parents are doing their utmost to soothe their child and normalise the atmosphere.

I was concerned by the dismissive attitude of this doctor that she needs to ignore the screams of the child / the “vibe” of the parents. If the child is screaming - is that how they usually react? Does this indicate panic? That they’re in more pain than could be reasonably assumed in whatever circumstance/injury? That the child is particularly fearful? I would hope a doctor would get a read from the parent.

For those saying I wouldn’t say this to a man - I absolutely would (though as everyone has pointed out, do it more tactfully). I explained to the doctor that my husband has PTSD from our son’s crying. He is not ever overtly anxious in front of our child when they are going through a procedure or in pain etc., but internally he’s extremely stressed.

I do believe that the neurological changes that occur for women in pregnancy that result in permanent brain changes do shift how the mother reacts to her own child. And male parent brain scans are starting to indicate similar. I know I definitely feel more internal stress when it’s my own child crying than another child. That’s not to say I don’t feel empathy, as most reasonable adults would, but it hits differently when it’s your own child.

Anyway, the tone of this conversation with the doctor wasn’t negative, she went on to state she’s hoping to start a family within the coming year. But I do appreciate my comment was out of order. I did feel like an 85 yr old waggling my finger as I said it.
i just wanted her to realise that she doesn’t know what those “overly” anxious parents are feeling and not to dismiss it. But I didn’t go about that the right way.

i won’t be bringing it up again with her, but i do hope her future patients and parents are met with an ounce more empathy.

I’m a paediatric nurse, I don’t have kids. Although desperately wanted them. I hate it when parents ask me if I have children. I always think they are implying that I can’t be any good if I don’t have kids. I’m sure they don’t mean that. But it’s how it comes across.