Was I U to tell a doctor she’ll understand when she’s a mum?

But that’s just one aspect of it. Actually “ignoring the vibe” is of course what is needed to get the job done. However, you need to perceive the vibe to understand what someone is feeling. And you need to empathise with it openly otherwise you’re not a great professional.

Nurse here too, exactly Nurseposter123.

You were patronising and ridiculous. 'Mothers' don't have special powers or exra empathy. You are not a superhero.

You are very lucky she didn't look you in the eye and say, 'You will understand if you ever manage to qualify to be a doctor'.

As a dr you probably do need to become immune to vibes and crying kids and stuff. If you dont develop that detachment you wouldnt be able to do your job well.

Saying "you'll understand when you're a mum" is patronising, obnoxious and insulting. It is belittling her experience and knowledge. It's also making huge judgements about her.

I'd go silent if you said that to me too. Not because I was shocked, thought you had a point or was taking on board with your comment. It would be because I'd be inwardly rolling my eyes and making my own judgements about you.

Sounds like shes one of those who will be going on strike and asking to be paid £4637369379874 more, while working less hours, so she can vibe a bit more.

Your comment was obnoxious tho.

She was showing a shocking lack of empathy for Doctor, but you reacted rather than responded and YABU to assume she wants to be or will one day be a mother.

I think you were both a bit off. A good medical professional should keep a level head, of course, but that doesn't mean they ignore the feelings of patients and next of kin. They stay cool in the midst of it.

She really shouldn't be glib about anxiety, though, patient's or parental. It is an insidious tool for undermining parents -especially mothers- who try to draw professionals' attention to causes for concern.

To be fair, that is exactly what I found with the hospital he was transferred to for his surgery and where he went on to have his chemotherapy. I can't fault that second hospital at all but the first hospital was absolutely woeful, mainly the surgical registrar as nurses repeatedly aired their concerns and the serious incident report noted that the nurses felt dismissed and unheard and then obviously found it incredibly upsetting when he then had a cardiac arrest as a result.

Thanks. I'm sorry that you're part of the same club too.

I agree that you shouldn’t have said that OP. I think the fact that she went on to say she was planning to have a family does not make the tone of the conversation any better. I’m also not a mother and have found similar comments really upsetting, and they do stay with you. But you’ve reflected on it and you’re asking if you were unreasonable, so that’s good.

Comments on the Dr’s approach seem pretty harsh. Like others, I can see another interpretation to what she said. - but also yes, she’s young, she’s in the early stages of her career and no doubt she’ll develop as we all do. And I think there’s also another factor here - she wasn’t at work at the time. It’s possible she was feeling relaxed, out with her friend and isn’t yet quite as skilled at stepping into her professional self as she will become.

I think she just used the wrong words .
She ought to have said “ don’t worry , I’m used to seeing this and can remain calm “
I don’t think what you said was very fair at all .

Bit harsh.

Boom!

At least she had the grace not to reply that you would understand better when you were a doctor.

Why do you think that?

WTAF have I just read? I must be doing parenting wrong then because I feel, and respond to emergency situations (my work involves working alongside people investigating plane crashes so about as emergency and emotional as you can get). Despite what one of my Neanderthal ex colleagues suggested when I was young and childfree - having my daughters did not make me “feel” more at scenes of crashes. I did my job the same way then as I do now - dispassionately and professional. After all who would want an air crash investigator losing it on a scene? Well, it’s the same for doctors.

there are some disgusting attitudes on here.

EMPATHY. A soft skill developed over time by health care workers of all levels and degrees and only developed over time as they interact with patients across the lifespan.

F1s are qualified doctors. Of course, they still have a lot of learning and training to do, but it is incorrect to state that they are not doctors.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable. Just because someone has qualified as a doctor does not in any way, shape or form make them a good doctor. I once saw a locum GP regarding abdominal pains. Instead of the usual rate your pain from 1-10 scenario he compared 10 as being the equivalent to my husband hitting me over the knees with a baseball bat!!!! I was astounded….totally unacceptable……no thought as to any possible domestic abuse background. I didn’t express my horror at the time but was sent a patient satisfaction survey soon after & told them exactly what I felt!

I don’t want a doctor to weep and wail and be emotionally engaged with my child. I want a calm professional who knows her job, takes the appropriate action, and goes on to their next patient. Calling out not being a mother is insensitive and irrelevant, not to mention self-important.

No she’s not. She’s got many years before any medical establishment, even just a GP will consider her a real doctor. She will be having a horrid time proving herself and having awful hours at the moment. They changed the title from junior doctor but they still get the same experience and the same pay. Thus the thoughtless comment.

It's doctors like this one that could benefit for the empathy classes medical students will have as part of their training.

This Doctor needs to really work on her bedside manner. Do they teach that at Medical School?

Watch the TV docs/progs on Paramedics and Ambulance Workers. They seem to have great people skills. Are very reassuring and always seen to stay calm and be in control.

By coincidence the mother had a friend present, a newly graduated doctor, who told us proudly that she’s so used to seeing screaming children and overly anxious parents that she’s immune to it. She just walks into anxious rooms and “ignores the vibe”.

I think it’s her job to stay calm and focus on her job.

I don’t think we need doctors to have a mothering attitude. They need to focus on doing their job well.

Would you tell a female oncologist that she won't understand testicular cancer till she grows balls?

She may have expressed herself very poorly, but it's probable that she was trying to make the point that Doctors do have to stay calm and look at the problem and not the yelling - as patients express their pain in all sorts of ways. I remember a (male) midwife telling me I 'couldn't' be as far along as I actually was because I wasn't yelling enough - luckily his colleague did a proper check a few minutes later!

I was tempted to say it to a few midwives but never did.