Was I U to tell a doctor she’ll understand when she’s a mum?

Like my friend who was worried about possible skin cancer on his forehead. His GP told him to stop worrying and said it was just a cyst.

You know where this is going?

He was dead a year later leaving his wife and 4 year old daughter behind. The patronising attitude of UK doctors is dangerous and unfortunately often deadly.

That's what I thought

Another way of understanding her comment is, don't think I don't care or that I'm judging you for being anxious, this is the way I've got used to doing my work.

Really, you are being far too certain that you know what she meant, and that all women react to motherhood in the same way. Don't give her more advice. Live and let live

By coincidence the mother had a friend present, a newly graduated doctor, who told us proudly that she’s so used to seeing screaming children and overly anxious parents that she’s immune to it. She just walks into anxious rooms and “ignores the vibe”.

I assume you've left out some detail here. Surely the two of them didn't arrive and the doctor friend immediately announce that she's immune to screaming children and overly anxious parents? There must be some additional context?

What you said in the moment was fine.

Going round to rattify your 2 pence worth would be rude, patronising and awkward. Don't do that.

I'm sure plenty of doctors who are parents can also stay calm around screaming children and anxious parents, if they can't they're not a good doctor. Being a parent has nothing to do with it.
What was the full context of this comment? It reads like your cradling an injured child as she stands there and comes out with this comment. I don't think it went down like that though otherwise you'd be more focused on someone saying she's a doctor but standing by whilst you deal with it.

This. I wish people would stop assuming every woman wants or can have children. As if that's the main goal in life.

You misunderstood what she was saying and made an obnoxious comment.

Not all people will be parents, for all kinds of reasons and the idea that you have some miraculous understanding of the world because you are, is ridiculous.

Imagine if doctors panicked like a young patient’s parents? It would be chaos. The doctors who took care of your son knew that your understanding of him could help his treatment. They understood that because they’re good doctors, regardless of whether they themselves are parents.

I think maybe your issue comes from her using the word ‘overly’…which I think might come across as minimising a situation. And I do get where you’re coming from…if my child and another child were in a similar medical situation, I would feel a lot more worried/distressed etc etc in respect of my DC than the other one. I think when it’s your own you feel things more deeply (that’s my experience anyway). Maybe you could have said it differently but it’s done now so should just leave it there.

In a medical emergency I would definitely want to doctor to be calm etc. I think professionally assessing the situation and responding based on that is completely different to being a parent to an injured child and you can’t compare the two.

The only normal (in the traditional sense of this word) doctors I ever encountered, were all religious, either Christian, or Moslem or Bahai, you get the drift - some of them did not have children, but they all saw their gods reflected in patients and treated them as such.

The rest are in the doctorship purely for financial/prestige/cold intellectual curiosity reason, that is it. And unfortunately you can't change them, whatever you tell them.

The only thing for them is that they will get their comeuppance when they are elderly patients on the ward and it will be awful. Comeuppance from their young colleagues who are devoid of compassion. Then they will understand, but it will be too late for them.

A friend said this to me at a time when I was sruggling with fertility issues. 12 years and 2 kids later, I’ve still never forgotten the crushing hurt. It’s unthinking comments like yours that stay with people for life. There was absolutely no need to get so personal when she was clearly just trying to keep the situation calm (albeit very clumsily).

Her bedside manner will improve with time and experience, whereas you, I fear, will probably always be a bit of a cow.

She is new, as you've said. She's just qualified and is probably really proud but also a little clumsy when it comes to bedside manner. She was also among friends and may have even been a bit jokey? I hope she helped the little one regardless.

But yeah, your response was also patronising and others have pointed out, she may never be able to have children. I wouldn't say anything further, unless perhaps to apologise and give her the opportunity to apologise too.

Yes
She's saying that she can keep calming these difficult circumstances, which is exactly what she needs to do

Also, you don't know anything about her as a person and it's just a wrong thing to say. She may never have children she might not want to she might not be able to

Really horrible thing to say for so many reasons

If you’d said something like that her comments were poorly judged in that situation, that would have been understandable.

What you said was sexist bollocks.

I think this too

If people could be trusted to be rational there would be a much shorter waiting list for healthcare

YANBU to expect a doctor to read the room and perhaps have shared the importance of your own experience when it came to doctors trusting your judgement in a situation involving your child.

YABU to presume she wants to or will ever be a mother. It's the 'when' which was unacceptable.

Yours was a bloody awful comment to make to another woman.

You do know some mothers abuse/neglect/hurt their children, don’t you? It doesn’t automatically make you a better person.

YABVU, what an idiotic thing to say. Who wants a doctor who panics and becomes hysterical. Also, she might not even want to be a mum, not everyone does you know, and whether you believe it or not some parents are able to remain calm in the face of accidents/illness also.

Your reaction was quite in order.

Don't worry about it, it won't be mentioned. I expect your friend felt the same as you. However you were not rude at all.

The girl should learn to think before she opens her mouth and maybe you have helped her to do so. We all live and learn.

I am sorry for you and all involved in this horrible happening - but it's over and all will be well, bless you.

They have a fair bit. They'd be doing the very very long shifts in A&E while training where they've seen all manners of panic and screaming children.

Yes this.
I've had two occasions where I've had to declare my own qualifications in order to be taken seriously by doctors thinking I was just an anxious parent. One could have been life threatening for my son. Obviously not ideal.
But I don't think being a parent is an essential to being a good paediatric doctor any more than any other doctor would need to have personal experience in their area of specialism. C

Would you prefer she walks in, panics and bursts into tears???

I don't understand why you are assuming that she'll become a mother at any point?

it was an unnecessary comment and you wouldn’t have said anything like that to a male doctor. This casual misogyny is so depressing. You also have no idea of her circumstances.