Was I U to tell a doctor she’ll understand when she’s a mum?

I have a female GP friend, she fully admitted she was hopeless with pregnant women until she had her own children and was much more empathetic after that

no just pregnant women complaining of morning sickness very niche!!

Is she hopeless with other demographics then? Old people? Men? People with any type of medical issue she’s never experienced?

I have a female GP friend, she fully admitted she was hopeless with pregnant women until she had her own children and was much more empathetic after that

At least she had the grace not to reply that you would understand better when you were a doctor.

I usually hate when people say things like “you’ll only understand when…”, “you don’t know because you’ve never…” etc etc

But today I found myself telling a newly graduated doctor that she won’t understand until she’s a mother.

For context, a neighbour (aged 4) had a huge crash on their bike. Their helmet was dented from the impact and they had blood gushing from their forehead. There were no other adults around, just myself and my children, I attended to the child until his mother found him. At this point the child and I were covered in so much blood that both our shirts were soaked.

By coincidence the mother had a friend present, a newly graduated doctor, who told us proudly that she’s so used to seeing screaming children and overly anxious parents that she’s immune to it. She just walks into anxious rooms and “ignores the vibe”.

There was a pause, and I found myself saying she’ll understand if she ever becomes a mother.

She didn’t say anything in reply.

This has got under my skin. My child fought cancer for several years at an age where his doctors really relied on my husband and I to interpret his pain, translate toddler speak, spot symptoms etc. The team told us on day 1 of the diagnosis that no one knows the child better than the parents (they actually said mother but I chose to ignore this slightly patriarchal view) and they needed us to be vocal. My husband and I, who are pretty relaxed, originally thought “we’ll trust the professionals (ie the doctors)” but realised quickly that we really did need to point out things.

I see this neighbour almost daily, and will run into her doctor friend undoubtedly over the coming days (she is staying with them). Would it be unreasonable to tell her she needs to stop being immune to upset kids and their appropriately concerned parents?

I think the parents assume that they become better humans after they had kids. Reality is with time and experience most humans develop more humility and empathy.

I think OP sounds reasonable.
im always surprised by the lack of compassion on mumsnet. OP has a significant trauma background of her own and this situation must have been very triggering for all of those historic dr interactions.

That doctor, as you say, is very young. Hopefully with time and experience, she will grow. But I don’t see any potential of growth in you based on your self righteous essay.

Yes.

You don’t want a doctor distracted by the vibe and joining the anxiety. You want them to be concentrating on the situation. Yes, they need to take input on context from parents but they don’t need to join the hysteria.

You'll understand when you're a first aider.

Christ on a bike, leave the poor woman alone.

She was in a stressful situation and she knows she was out of line - her very reasonable and measured post which you have quoted acknowledged that.

And did you miss the part where her own child has had cancer? Where's your empathy?

I think the parents assume that they become better humans after they had kids. Reality is with time and experience most humans develop more humility and empathy.

@Calmondeck I see where you’re coming from. I have a good friend who is a paediatrician. She says she didn’t really have empathy with parents until she became a parent herself, and that has made her a better children’s doctor. That’s not to say childless/childfree doctors couldn’t make fantastic paediatricians but I agree it was an insensitive thing of her to say in the moment and sounds arrogant, unempathetic and patronising. I can understand why you snapped back at her.

Thanks for all of the replies.

For those who asked - the child had zoomed away from the mum, knowing the direction to where me and my children were located in the park. The kid was going way too fast, down a steep hill, I just heard the sound of him yelling out hello and saw the fall. It was several minutes until his mum/friend came upon the scene.

I was calm and carried the child to where my stroller was parked so I could get a stack of tissues and stem the blood flow. I was still holding his head tight and had him in my arms sitting on a bench when the mum/doctor arrived. I was not anxious or distressed.

I’m not suggesting that a doctor needs to be anxious or distressed at all. Obviously that wouldn’t help any situation at all. I also think most parents do their best to remain relatively calm for their child’s sake. I’ve spent almost 4 years in pediatric oncology, operating waiting rooms and had more visits to the emergency department than most, and the majority of parents are doing their utmost to soothe their child and normalise the atmosphere.

I was concerned by the dismissive attitude of this doctor that she needs to ignore the screams of the child / the “vibe” of the parents. If the child is screaming - is that how they usually react? Does this indicate panic? That they’re in more pain than could be reasonably assumed in whatever circumstance/injury? That the child is particularly fearful? I would hope a doctor would get a read from the parent.

For those saying I wouldn’t say this to a man - I absolutely would (though as everyone has pointed out, do it more tactfully). I explained to the doctor that my husband has PTSD from our son’s crying. He is not ever overtly anxious in front of our child when they are going through a procedure or in pain etc., but internally he’s extremely stressed.

I do believe that the neurological changes that occur for women in pregnancy that result in permanent brain changes do shift how the mother reacts to her own child. And male parent brain scans are starting to indicate similar. I know I definitely feel more internal stress when it’s my own child crying than another child. That’s not to say I don’t feel empathy, as most reasonable adults would, but it hits differently when it’s your own child.

Anyway, the tone of this conversation with the doctor wasn’t negative, she went on to state she’s hoping to start a family within the coming year. But I do appreciate my comment was out of order. I did feel like an 85 yr old waggling my finger as I said it.
i just wanted her to realise that she doesn’t know what those “overly” anxious parents are feeling and not to dismiss it. But I didn’t go about that the right way.

i won’t be bringing it up again with her, but i do hope her future patients and parents are met with an ounce more empathy.