AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

@CuteOrangeElephant I have divorced in-laws which has proved tricky at times, but even at the trickiest times I would never have split the time with GPs in such a way. And if you are willing to travel to one set of GPs for Christmas, then in my mind, where practical, you should have some Christmases with other GPs.

For another thread but the kids of divorced parents really need to get firm with them.

My dad was a pain in the proverbial when he and my mum were getting divorced and in the end I just phoned him and told him to stop being an arse and get the paperwork sorted out.

Equally if he and my mum had started whining about who was seeing more of me I'd have told them straight to grow up.

You really do need to give it to them with two barrels. Their poor life (partner) choices should not have a negative impact on their adult children (and grandchildren).

And don't tell me they won't listen. They will if they think you mean it.

I don’t mind being away away.

We did that a few times as a child, b&b type places by the coast with huge Christmas trees. Feeling all nostalgic now.

I just don’t like waking up at home then trudging everywhere.

Maybe op / dh could host every other year but that would only work if both his parents would be able to spend even dinner together on the day. Otherwise you’re back to the whole splitting between three mess.

I’ve only read the OPs posts and not RTFT but …

OP - do not fall into the trap of feeling you have to carve out your family’s time equally among GPs. Who do you and your family want to spend time with, and does the way you spend your time feel about right for each set of GPs based on your relationship with each?

I know it sounds simplistic but hold firm and spend your time as it suits you. You’ll only be driven mad trying to please everyone but yourself and your DH.

I fully recognise that I am projecting my own issues (parents who have high expectations of how they should be considered when they put zero effort into the relationship and are actually quite shitty to me) in this advice. But it’s only many years down the line that I am now of the view that I should spend my time with people I want to see and not feel beholden to do otherwise.

Well I don't necessarily think that spending time with grandparents needs to be evenly portioned out. But grandparents 2 do have a point. You are spending over 20% of the year with grandparents 3, plus flights to get there. You are spending 1 day in 30 with grandparents 2 (and it is probably only a few hours in practice, you are not staying overnight). That it is a huge difference! If they are uninterested, unengaged grandparents that's fine. But it doesn't seem to be the case?

Imagine your little boy is now grown up with a cute little boy of his own. If you never got to spend Christmas with him despite living relatively close by whilst every year they spent it with his wife's family (having already had 3 other holidays with them that year), would you think it was fair? Or is that not going to happen to you?

I agree with your first para - I can totally see it makes life easier if you don't have to split the time up between divorced parents.

But the second para is bizarre, you see far more of your parents.

Anyway, other roads other than motorways exist so that really isn't a reason for GP2 not to come. As do trains and buses if they wanted to do that instead and it's practical for where you live.

Is your house big enough to accommodate everyone at Christmas?

Well maybe they should have raised a son who shared the mental load and also wanted to see their family. I think women visit their family more because they tend to be organising these things and want to. Men could organise this I'm sure but they don't tend to.
My dh loves his parents but it's me who flags when we've not seen them for ages and suggests he find a date.

Why is it relevant what the other grandparents visiting times are? One set has said they don’t see if you enough why should they affect any other sets?

Do you have any experience with divorced parents that hate each other?

Both of mine can make drama out of nothing. Like who gets the first visit. Neither would be happy with whatever plan is proposed, they always feel that they in particular have drawn the short straw.

It's exhausting and if OPs in-laws are anything like my parents I completely understand why her DH has withdrawn.

@Tableforjoan currently the DC aren't at their home for 2 weeks over Christmas, can't imagine they have all their presents when they are away.

U make me glad we have 2 sets. Ones near us used to do nursery then sxhool pick up once a week so they could spend more time with dc (we paid daycare as back up)
I always saw my parents 4 or 5 times as they were a flight away but usually no more than 2 weeks at a time as dh missed them too much

Without reading anything other than your first post, I knew that Grandparents 3 would be yours. Feel zero guilt about seeing your parents, if you’re invited to the others more often and can do it, definitely do because they won’t be around forever.

As women generally live longer than men and step FIL seems the eldest, what will happen if he dies before MIL, will DH ignore her every Christmas?

Well, the question is, is it fair?
Clearly it’s not but it is what it is. If you’re happy with it, so be it. But at the same time, it’s fair enough for GP2 to be upset that they don’t get the same time with their GC that your DM and DF get, you can’t complain about that.

Personally I don’t like to travel at all Christmas Day so I certainly wouldn’t be visiting two home and would have hated it as a child as well.

Perhaps your parents live somewhere nice and warm so you're using time you would otherwise be on a holiday in the sun to be there, rather than taking it all from the time you have available for family.
If your parents are still together and make the whole relationship easier (as it sounds like from your writing) it’s understandable you want to spend time there. You don’t owe anyone a quantity of your time.

Altogether it sounds like a lot. Do you get any time for yourselves? Do you get any holidays which aren't at your parents?

I think the balance is wrong but not for the same reasons as GP2.

I think as a grandparent I would feel a little sad never to see a grandchild(ren) at all over the Christmas holidays, could be any day not especially Christmas Day or Boxing Day even. Never to see the open their presents or enjoy a little Christmas Magic, while they are still young. Also no time in the summer school holidays at all, no multigenerational days out to have icecream or go to the beach or a play park on a warm sunny day. Or take them out for the day, if the parents are happy with that.

Not sure why DH would have to pick sides for Christmas Day when it comes to his parents, one lives 5 minutes away, the other an hour. You could visit both and still be home for tea!

It depends on if you can live with the fall out/ are happy with the set up.

The short answer is no it isn't fair GP3 get weeks at a time and it's 24/7 when you are there.

GP 1and 2 technically see you more frequently but for far less time just. Few hours a visit. GP 1 and 2 don't get any of the "special dates" if they matter eg Christmas/ Easter if they wanted they couldn't have an extended family get together etc.. because you and your children are out of the country. That can be perceived as unfair.

Further GP1 and 2 may expect you to do more of the visiting because you do the visiting to your parents.

However if what you do works for you and you can handle the complaints carry on no one on the outside should judge.

Well keep doing this then! Your reasons seem perfectly valid tbh

That’s a fair point.

It’s not op or her dh or child’s fault the in-laws are divorced making two homes to visit grandparents.

Where as to visit hers in one home which is also a flight away and the dh prefers to be there for Christmas so he doesn’t have to pick a side between his own parents.