AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

So the Gps furthest away get more of your time and the closest one's get a few meagre scraps?

I think never seeing an excited grandchild at Christmas or with a bucket and spade is pretty mean TBH. And a bit weird that your son never gets to spend any holidays in his own house. Is he very young?

Well I think you spend far too much time with all of them 😅
It's not just about grandparents for you and set 3 though is it. You moved away from your home country to live in DHs you want to visit your parents and I imagine the rest of your family, and friends, and places you grew up in and have a holiday. There's a lot mixed into one visit.

Honestly. If someone is whining they don't spend enough time with you but refusing to make any effort to see you then it's really irrelevant isn't it. If they cared, they'd visit.

Very unfair in GP2, I feel sorry for them. I bet you'd be sad in their shoes. Can't you spend a bit more time at home in the holidays so you can see them a bit more during those weeks.

Like most, I don't think things need to be "equal", but clearly you are being quite disproportionate in the time you are spending with your Grandparents over both the other two sets combined. Plus what ends to be seen as special family time, ie Christmas. Plus, presumably all times you could spend away from home are taken up like this ?
I would be arguing strongly against this arrangement if my spuse deemed we were always going to spend Christmas with his family and never with mine / doing our traditions. I would also not be happy about never being aboue to spend a few days of the holiday in the Summer with my side of the family.

I think you are been very unfair on both GP1&2., especially at Christmas.

What does your DH want, OP? does he want to see his parents more?

His parents should be complaining to him, not you.

If you had a crisis say your partner or you ended up in hospital, would your family come flying over to help? or would you then expect the in-laws to step in? You come across as quite selfish, you miss your parents so you stop your child having any contact with his friends for any if the holidays. I think you need to rethink for future years. There will come a time that your child will resent having to go away every holiday to suit you.

We can't see any of the grandparents (four sets) on birthdays or Christmas. Otherwise we receive silent treatment and or nasty messages. It's very stressful.

This 100%

It must be particularly hard for the other two sets of grandparents never seeing their son and grandchildren at Christmas.

However, speaking as a grandparent, I only want people to visit me because they have a desire to, not because I’m putting pressure on them. I would be incredibly sad if my children didn’t alternate Christmas visits with the other grandparents, but if that’s what they and their partners wanted to do, I would say nothing and make the best of the time I did have with them.

if I allowed myself to become resentful I know it would make me very unhappy. The truth is, you’re spending time where you clearly both want to be and where you’re happiest. The other grandparents obviously know this.

Completely agree that DH should sort it. But

(i) it’s often the case that men are crap at putting the effort into maintain family relationships. Her son may very well model himself on his father and his apathetic approach to MIL. I’d suggest OP is more self aware and attempts to see things more from her perspective. It is unfair and she should acknowledge that (and the risk that she will be treated the same).

(ii) I bet OP would not like it if her DH insisted on splitting their grandparent time more fairly - it would encroach on her ability to spend five (!) week holidays and every Christmas with her parents.

(iii) I would also lay money on OP’s parents not liking it either. They’d be the ones complaining about reduced contact and I bet OP would take their side.

So it’s not quite as black and white as you suggest.

Sadly our situation has ended up with us having no contact with one of my parents. And not just me, my siblings are also NC with that parent.

I guess it does simplify Christmas.

@Pinkmondays are you going to teach your DC that they are responsible for organising presents, communication, visits to their sets of parents etc when older, otherwise history will repeat itself.

Our DS (uni age) sorts out presents for us etc, and even independently organises visits to GPs who live near to uni, so fingers crossed this won't stop once he is in a committed relationship

Yeah I thought the same.

But it would be on DS to put effort into the relationship and if he doesn't, it's more likely influenced because he's seen that his dad doesn't put effort into his own relationship with his parents. That's nothing to do with op.

V good point.

I assume OP that you’ll be fine when your DS is grown, and has a family, to be cut out of large parts of his life because he prioritises your DIL’s family every summer and Christmas?

And you’ll be okay with your DIL rolling her eyes and saying “how did you guess it was MIL kicking up a fuss”?

(Answer - because mothers of sons tend to be dropped in favour of the daughter’s parents and tend to put more effort than FILs into building relationships with their grandchildren).

You won’t be so hypocritical as to expect to be treated fairly I’m sure.

If I was in your DHs shoes I would be very unhappy with this arrangement and would insist on at least doing alternate Christmases and some longer stays with MIL (plus do you ever even have any family holidays without your parents there? Sounds like all your annual
leave goes on visiting them?) but if he is ok with it then it’s on him, not really your problem. I can definitely see why his mum isn’t happy though, once a month for a day is nothing like getting to spend weeks at a time with your grandkids.

A full day once a month isn't unreasonable on it's own, but it does seem harsh if they never get an overnight stay (e.g.: an actual full day in your company from morning to evening, including adult conversation with their child after the kids are in bed). It might feel fair to split the grandparent time for the divorced couple in half so they get half each, but it isn't going to feel that way to the person who sees their 'opposite number' getting a much better opportunity to create a deep relationship.

And they are definitely losing out to grandparents 3 - do you do such a lot of time with them for language immersion? As otherwise they are definitely getting more than most grandparents get without being involved in weekly childcare!

I think that also adds again another layer that op is then going home for these visits.

It is sharing and showing her culture to her child and being able to visit other family members who also still live there.

I think I understand that 1 and 2 are the in-laws and 3 are your parents who are married to each other? I think you’re spending far too much time with all of them. But as I’ve explained to my own parents 100 times, they don’t get double because they are divorced. They get half of whatever time we decide to spend with grandparents.

but honestly this is a lot of time. How old are your kids? When do they see their friends, play sports, go to birthday parties and spend time in their own house?

As a grandparent myself, I think that’s fair @igelkott2026

Just his mum? Not his dad?

Also, you’re not teaching your dh that both sides of his family are important. Be careful or it will be you in a few years time

I’d prefer to be grandparents 3.

But you can’t say you don’t see them for most of the year when you see them a minimum of 4 weeks a year (school holidays?) as well as summer and Christmas! I’m not saying you’re wrong, and you don’t need to try and divide the pie exactly equally if you and DH are happy with the current arrangements, but I can see how it must look to GPs 1 and 2. Most grandparents enjoy seeing excited children at Christmas, on holiday etc.