AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

But how do they even know? Do you report back on every visit you make?
Stop discussing everything you do, and preserve a little privacy - it's really important.

I think it sounds mostly fair aside from giving grandparents 3 every Christmas. We alternate who we spend Christmas with and anything else would feel unfair to me.

Purely on the maths (since you asked), you are being unfair, as you are clearly spending much longer at your parents than the others, who also miss out on special days etc. I can understand why they might feel somewhat aggrieved.

And maybe it's time to loosen the apron strings? You may miss your parents a lot, but part of growing up is becoming less dependent on them, especially when you have a family of your own. 70 full days a year suggests imo a tad too much dependence.

Oh god who can be bothered to work out “fair”. See your family when and where you like. Your time and attention is not a jar of sweets to be divided up between small children.

You say you don’t see them for most of the year but you go several times a year and you see them more than the other 2 sets so that’s what’s not fair (in their eyes).

I agree too. I don’t know how old the children are but there is a chance this isn’t going to work when they get a bit older.

It’s not just the grandparents who miss out, the kids do too. My mum refused to bother much with my dads mum and I really resented the close relationship she had with my cousins whereas she was a slightly unfamiliar but fascinating woman to me. I was never as comfortable with her as they were.

Bit odd one set of grandparents get Christmas exclusively every year.

Your husband sounds a bit pathetic! He “doesn’t want to disappoint one set of his parents by spending Xmas with the other” but instead he probably leaves both sets disappointed because everything revolves around his in laws. I feel so sorry for his parents being ditched EVERY Christmas so you and your parents get everything you want. I think you are being selfish and thoughtless.

I think you’re very blessed to have family who are involved and visit regularly.

I echo this. As the mum of a boy, I’m keen to model equality with both sides, and hopefully that’ll filter through to him in the future. We have people in different countries also, it is hard, but we do a trip with one, and then plan another trip with the others. Can’t imagine honestly never having a Christmas with one side ever

Is he 'slightly neglectful' or is he just not as close to his parents as OP is to hers. Why force it just to equal what OP does?

Sounds like a cryptic GCSE maths question!

I think it’s fine and hard to split time exactly even to please everyone. You have your reasons.

So you see:
Grandparents 1 - 26 times a year
Grandparents 2 - 12 times a year
Grandparents 3 - 5 or 6 times a year.

If you and your DH are happy with so many visited to GP3 (are you teachers??) then it sounds fine.

The more frequent the visits, the shorter you stay. Sounds perfectly sensible.

My parents live 3.5 hours away and my inlaws live 20 mins away. I see my parents 3 or 4 times a year but stay for 3 to 10 days. We see the inlaws every other week for a few hours.

Right now, a ds who is slightly neglectful of his parents works out for OP as the ds is her dh, and it means she can comfortably spend as long as she wants with hers.

A future ds who is slightly neglectful of his parents won't work out as well for OP when the ds is her ds, not her dh, as then she'll be one of the parents who's slightly sidelined.

It's probably better to try to break the chain with her own ds, not just sit back and watch it happen again!

You say grandparents 1 and 2 always expect you to visit them but the irony is that you always go and visit your parents and seem happy with that. Do they ever come here for the summer or Christmas?
You are being unfair.
Could you meet grandparent 2 halfway sometimes at a park of suchlike.

Agree.

Your responsibility is to build a fulfilling life for you and your children. Not facilitate competive grandparents.

Do your family never come over to visit you?

This. Never at Christmas? Then the other grandparents could see the family at Christmas too.

"But it would be on DS to put effort into the relationship and if he doesn't, it's more likely influenced because he's seen that his dad doesn't put effort into his own relationship with his parents. That's nothing to do with op."

It might not be the OPs fault, but that's hardly going to make her feel better if she does end up feeling left out once she's a gp! It's not like it's only her dh who won't be seeing any gc often, it would be her, too!

It could be better in this situation to resist the temptation to let the relationship with ILs be seen as less important (even though it's not her job to facilitate and anyway she's not all that bothered about seeing people who aren't her own family), but rather to invest a bit of effort in bringing up her own ds with an expectation that the natural thing to do is to see both sides of the family, not just the woman's.

It might take bit more effort in the short term and be irritating because her dh should drive the process, really, and not need reminding, but it could pay off for her in the long run.

what is the ideal for GP2? You do spend a lot of time with GP3 I can see why it feels unfair

@Pinkmondays what does your DH think?

My DH has a low contact relationship with his mother, that’s his choice. I actually remind and cajole him into seeing her more than he naturally would.

I have a decent functional relationship with my mum so I see her more. My brother also sees my mum a lot.

FWIW we never spend Christmas with DHs family. They clear off to MILs home country knowing DH can’t take time off work or work remotely. We said we would like to spend Christmas with them but they said they would rather be in that country than see us.

@Pinkmondays - "... (we have 3 sets of grandparents). There's me, DH and our son..."

I'm a bit confused. Unless some of them have died, shouldn't the three of you have 6 "sets" of grandparents between you? (2 "sets" each?)

They are comparing to the other sets, but they see a lot more than many grandparents do, I don't think you've got much to worry about, maybe your husband does.

If you did want to balance it out a bit you could do 3 weeks of the summer holidays with your family then other the other weeks invite each set of gp out for a couple of days out. You may naturally end up doing to do that at some point as your DS as he grows if he wants to spend some of the holidays with friends at home or doing his hobbies?

we do similar in that my in-laws are close enough for a day trip so we see them every month for a day. My parents are a good 3 hour drive away so I tend to go for 5 days every 3/4 months. Once our DC are at school I’ll need to start timing that with school holidays and also balancing it with sports clubs and friends which I’m sure will be more tricky!

How many of your ‘special’ occasions are spent with your MIL compared to your mum? Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day etc…

Yes it is unfair. I get you miss your family, but your MIL is also missing out and you DH excuse is pathetic, especially as it doesn’t sound like your FIL would be that fussed.

Do your family never come over to visit you?