AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

Every Christmas really isn’t “fair”. The other grandparents must feel left out, as indeed they are. Can you not host anything @Pinkmondays? Seems you just go away to your parents. Doesn’t dc want to see any friends in the summer? Just his grandparent? My Dc would not have liked that. It’s very isolating. So I would change the routine a bit.

By the same though maybe the mil should make an effort to be friends with the dil before the grandbabies arrive and make sure she has a decent relationship with her own child pop in and visit wise.

Genuinely just have a regular invite. If they refuse that’s on them. If your dh wanted to visit alone with your child I assume you’d let him so again not your problem.

I'm a MIL to very chilled sons in law. So consequently entirely reasonable and above reproach!

Doesn't stop me having smpathy for MILs to DILs though, or prevent me thinking rationally.

Absolutely. Unless you're actively standing in the way of seeing gp2 more, it's entirely fair. It isn't on the DIL to arrange the visits.

I guess it makes a difference if OP is originally from the country where her parents live. If so, the time visiting them isn't really just time visiting them. It's going to be time going home, seeing friends and other family that are still there. If parents are ex pats and there are no other ties to the country, then it is rather skewed and unfair.

I think you are doing OK @Pinkmondays. My family all live disgustingly close to each other and we managed to navigate it well with grandparents and now we are GP's ourselves. It does help that we all have particularly low tolerance levels and find a couple of hours in each others company is more than enough (well I have particularly low tolerance levels 😄)
Maybe talk to MIL and see if there's something special you can all do occasionally that might mean more to her than hours spent together.

Absolutely.

These visits aren't only about seeing GPs. It's also about DS being exposed to his maternal side's culture, being in an environment where the language is spoken. He gets all that as a matter of course in day to day life in father's country, but there isn't another way for him to experience his equally important maternal culture aside from spending time there. That needs to be taken into account.

Would you stop grandparents 1 and 2 from visiting you more? Could your DH visit his parents with your/his DS on his own more?

Oh, FILs do!
Which is fair enough if they really want to be involved in their lives, and are good people.
Health/whether you work/ability to travel comes into it too, OP, as well as how they are. For example, I would be less likely to put myself out for a trophy grandparent, who never bothered to do anything to help me (despite being well enough, and no longer working FT), and expected me to drop everything to suit them, than a would for a grandparent who was caring.
I would try to keep it fair though, because children do notice, and it can come back on a parent who favoured some people for no reason.

I could tell which set of parents was who before you said. I think you see them all quite a lot, but if GP want to see more of you, maybe they should drive over a bit more. Appreciate harder with their age though. Don’t feel bad, you do a lot already.

Because when you're that age you probably are very tired and travelling is quite tough. BTW I'm only 55 but I have parents and parents-in-law who are in their 80s. From 70 onwards things get harder - for most.

The problem is of course your husband neglecting his mother and step dad, but nothing you can do about that!

My in laws live 5 mins away and my parents live abroad but we see them both fairly equally overall. My in laws get more cups of tea type stop-offs, whereas my parents get a few days at a time.

Like you I feel very guilty being away from my parents and sisters family. So I do try to make up for it with longer visits.though as the kids have got older, and we have a very busy year this year with work, its difficult to do too many/long visits.

My parents are v proactive about visiting us, which is great but drives my husband mad! I told him he should have thought of that before marrying a foreign woman.

EVERY WEEK? So you never get a weekend off?

My parents are 30 mins away, my in-laws are 20 mins away.
we try to see everyone equally, but it’s just not possible. This weekend we spent it with my family, but 3/5 weekends my kids are visiting my in-laws (who are amazing grandparents) and then 1/5 they visit my parents (again amazing) the difference is- my in-laws have retired and my parents are still working 3/5 days a week and my dads not in great health right now.
You are NOT a pie, your son is not a toy to be “shared” so what you have is fine!!

I’m not driving or being driven a 2 hour round trip more than once a month just to visit granny. Sorry.

Granny can come here if it’s that important to her when even her own son cnba.

My mums an hour away and I see her once a month. I’ve got a busy life and I don’t want to spend a day of every weekend with my mum. I also have a dad, and separated in laws, so we’d never have time to go out ourselves, see friends or relax if we had to do weekly visits to four parents!

Why can’t you drive then to them? An hour away and a monthly visit isnt great. My parents are an hour away and we see them every week.

Honestly I like what a previous poster said, you’re not a pie, you don’t have to be split fairly.

Make an effort to see everyone, which you are, but it’s not your problem how much your DH sees his parents. You just spend time with people you enjoy spending time with. If your DH is concerned with with equality he can arrange some extra time with his mum. You’re a person who gets to spend your time how you want. I can’t understand any of the replies telling you you need to make it fairer. No you don’t. Your trips home are enjoyable, it’s like a holiday and you all enjoy it. It’s your home country.

People have different relationships. Your DH isn’t close to his mum, just because you are doesn’t mean he now has to see his mum more than he wants to. Your relationships are different and shouldn’t be compared

see the gp3 abroad one less holiday per year and divide that one between the other two that gets it more inline.

also as gp2 are mil and stepdad your DH can go a second time per month to see them with the kids without you. So they get an extra visit from their son and you get a break.

we have parent issues ourselves! Currently low contact with all parents but before that we have my mum, my dad and step mum who all live the other side of the country. We were seeing my dad the most but he and my step mum have now divorced. And my dp has dad and stepmum who currently are nc with us and his mum who at times has had an awful partner that we had to tolerate. It’s easier seeing none of them!

If you are in the UK and an English-dominant language, I think you need more than OPOL, plus the absolutely best way to be totally fluent is to require children to use it in everyday life- like with the grandparents! Facetime is not the way to learn a language, as small children can wander off/be disinterested/reply in their other language.

The only people I know who have brought up truly bilingual children have spent portions of the year, usually extended summers, in those countries, everyone else either hasn't, or has children with very strong accents and a disinterest in using the language, especially if the main language is English as it dominates everything.

Ok, we will do it by hours then.

GP1 - 26 times a year = 52 hours total (assuming 2 hour visits)
GP2 - 12 times a year = 120 hours (assuming full day 10 hours)
GP3 - 5 or 6 times a year = 300 hours (assuming perhaps 4 hours together each day).

Well it seems GP1 miss out the most!

@Corvidsarethebest the OP would be speaking to their DC in her language, isn’t that the way you bring them up bilingual? Can FaceTime GPs and speak in their language.

So it's not just visiting your parents, it is also visiting your home country?

That makes it very different. Another way of seeing it is that you spend 3/4 of your time outside of your native country, and 1/4 within it. All of a sudden that doesn't seem so unfair.

Surely if the DH's parents want to see more of them- get him to visit more! Did he used to spend more than one day a month with them prior to having children?

My guess is you spent a lot longer with your parents than he did with that particular parent, and that you as the woman are driving everything as usual, and that your parents also do childcare for you.

You are raising your child as bilingual and that is impossible to do on 12 days a year, so 'evening up' is simply not possible.

He can up his own contact, effort and arrangements with his own family, step back as the family manager!