AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

You don’t have to be equal woth the days! If you get on better with one and the others are arses then don’t see them

@Julimia OP says she gets on with the in-laws so it’s not like she doesn’t like them. Schools our way sometimes break up just before Christmas so those years it might be nice to do Christmas with local GPs then fly over to her parents

All depends how much you enjoy seeing them!
For us:
Grandparents 1 (45 mins away) - 1/2 times a week (they provide childcare one day a week and then we usually do a fun thing too)
Grandparents 2 (10 mins away) - once a week, every Sunday for lunch. Although we saw them four days last week due to various different family events.
I like seeing both sets though and it’s split with us going to them/ them coming to us!

I really feel for those who have divorced / separated parents who are trying to make things "fair". I remember one poor soul on here (years ago) who described how she and her husband had to hit four random spots on a map within 48 hours over Christmas or there was huge drama.

As I see it its nothingb io fo with being fsir Different people hence different relationships . You do whst you can.

The next half term is February though. That’s perfectly acceptable considering they live in a different country. Honestly you’re thinking too much about your parents & not enough about your husband or children. I can’t believe you’re wasting all your holidays on visiting them. You have your own family now and need to centre them especially as they get older. GPs are secondary & you should divide their visits as sparingly and fairly as possible without affecting your life.

The amount of obligation to please all these people, I’m glad we live thousands of miles away.

I would take advantage of the ability to go away to see your parents so often now - in a few years if your DC have activities (you've already mentioned cricket) it will get harder to get away as much.
The fact that your DH's parent's are separated is an additional factor as if you were to make it 'even' you would be spending twice as much time with his side of the family. Trekking up and down a motorway frequently isn't going to be much fun and is time-consuming.

And just to add, I do think once a month is plenty when they live so far away! I actually think it's too much with a busy family life.

I do think it would be nice to do a holiday and a Christmas with them.

Easter is not the same as Christmas, I do think you should allow your inlaws to spend the occasional Christmas with your children. I prefer being with my family at Christmas but I recognise that it is not fair to do that every year and I love my inlaws and wouldn't be so unkind as to exclude them from Christmases when the children are small.

Do you or your husband have any siblings?

I’ve only read the OP’s posts, so might have missed something, but she spends about 77 days a year with her family and about 12 with set 2.

Obviously she can do what she likes, but I’m not surprised set 2 are peed off. Shame the dad doesn’t make more of an effort for his parents.

OP, no it is not a fair split but who says there has to be a calculated fair split. It does seem like a huge amount of time you are spending with your parents. As your child gets older they will probably want to spend a part of the school holidays at their own home so they can spend time with their friends.

There is no such thing as "fair" as the allocation of your time and attention are entirely up to you. This is what works for you, so that's that.

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into all this.

I'm just wondering how much of this is due to GP 2 ageing. A lot of 70 year olds are still pretty active, but many get "old" in late 70s / early 80s, and start needing relatives to drop in.

Grandparents 1 get the least time even though they live closest

Your parents get the most time even though they live furthest.

So grandparents 2 are doing better than one set and worse than the other.

Of course that doesn’t consider whether it’s preferable to have more frequent visits with less time or more infrequent visits with more time.

Bottom line… as G2
want to spend more time more often.. then if you have the time and inclination to increase visits, do that.

(or send one set my way. My kids have no grandparents at all)

I think you are doing everything you can. Try not to do it in response to feeling guilty though.

I moved a 3 hour flight away. Was only for 3 years but I stayed. We actually had most Christmases with in laws. Children wanted to be with their cousins and friends. We did do pre Christmas weekends in early Dec with decorations and crackers. It does work. As I said in another post, it depends on the effort everyone puts in. Even my very elderly parents have made sure they have kept up with technology.

At the end of the day you cannot please everyone. Don’t try to.

How old are your kids?
if u don’t mind me saying but. Grandparents 2 are keen to provide a more active role which in turn may also help you in future from a childcare prospect.

But he can’t really do that at Christmas or in the summer as they aren’t in the country.
Sounds to me like there isn’t much time left for extended periods with other family members
perhaps cutting back the 11 weeks would be beneficial
but OPs not coming back so 😏

So do GPs3 live somewhere that you enjoy - I’m thinking South of France. So your time with them saves is your holiday?

My own experience of family life is that there is no fairness but there is effort. Effort gets noticed and remembered.

In the OPs case I think that she should not taking the emotional weight and so feeling responsible. It is for her DH to encourage the GPs to visit (like the child care they are offering) and maybe visit without OP.

If I had to pick to 'be' one of the grandparent options you've listed, I'd want to be Grandparent 3 .. the Grandparent(s) you clearly want to spend the most time with and make the effor/time/spend to do so. They get Christmas (probably a week or so), 4 individual weeks a year minimum, and the entire summer holidays which would be another 6+ weeks. And you bend over backwards to get there ... you have to fly with children to do it. That's over 75 days a year....even though they live the farthest.

So you clearly do have a favourite and I can understand why Gp 2 is unhappy ... a mere hour away by car and they get 12 day visits a year maybe...

That said, I won't say it's 'unfair' ... the relationships are what they are. And the grandparents who get those 75 plus days a year are OP's parents and they clearly have a close relationship ... and still live in OP's home country that OP clearly also wants to have her children spend time in. Is what it is...

Yes that was my point right at the beginning. Even though the OP wants to spend time in her home country, do they never get a holiday anywhere else - whether elsewhere in her home country or somewhere else entirely?

I think that's a lot. Don't you have time to yourselves?

All of this is spot on - I came on to say much the same, but won’t say it better.

If we set aside the fact that “fairness” isn’t the best way to look at it, I think I’d cut the sums a bit differently if I were to think in terms of splitting a pie. You don’t actually have three sets of grandparents; you and DH both have parents and you are making time for all of them. So I wouldn’t think of it in terms of dividing by 3, but by 4 - put crassly, why should your parents see less of you/your son because your DH’s parents require separate visits? On a different calculation, each grandparent would get a share - it’s just that your parents are happy to combine their shares.

But - as a pp aptly put it - you’re not a pie. If it works for you and your DH, that’s what matters here. You don’t owe anyone your time.

Half decent grandparents? My mum has no business getting involved in how much I see my in laws. That’s between me and my wife and her parents.

They spend school holidays in OPs country of birth. As a family that’s their choice and they’re not a toy that needs sharing equally. Everyone would be a lot happier if they treated people as independent and autonomous beings. I don’t have to spend time with my parents or in laws. I choose to. So if you start demanding your fair share of my time I’m going to tell you to piss off. I like spending time with my family but I’m not sacrificing something important to me to make sure that people are getting equal time or equal christmases

I’d consider rotating who you spend Christmas with and of course the abroad gps can always visit for Christmas.

If I was a gp I’d like to occasionally have the chance to see close family on that day.

I think we all know Easter just isn’t the same

The visits are heavily loaded towards gp3, swapping Christmas about makes it a little more equal