AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

Surely the answer to that is, I hope I’m the type of parent and grandparent where my children and grandchildren want to visit me often. Where they can call for babysitting and drop in for a a random Thursday night pizza take away or something.

I don’t want to be a duty or obligation visit. Not an its the 2nd Sunday best visit Joan again 😩🙄. Mil had Christmas last year so this year mum… when we will ever get one at home 🙁

I also want them to live their life and not have to feel, well we saw mil twice last week so best see mum twice as well leaving no time for themselves.

With regards to this sort of post I always think, how often do you hope your family visit when you are the grandparents.

you are not in a custody battle with the grandparents, it’s not about being equal, because each set of grandparents has their own unique set of circumstances and relationships with you and your DH. Fair doesn’t mean equal.

Depending on the age of the grandparents you can roughly guess how many years left you have with them, work out how many times that will mean you will see them and have a good think if you feel it’s adequate or would you feel guilty? If former then change nothing, if latter then up the visits. Because no time with anyone is guaranteed, so make sure you spend what time you do have approximately without regrets.

Do you always go to your parents house when you see them? Or do they come to you as well? So over Christmas are you always abroad?

I think that your DH parents should be treated the same as your own parents. They may not say anything to your face, but behind the scenes I am sure that they will be unhappy. I can say this with confidence, as this scenario is happening to us. I wish our DIL was more considerate at times!

Can grandparents 2 use the train or maybe coach to travel to you and maybe an occasional overnight stay? We live 3-4 hours away from our daughter and her family but go to stay for the weekend about 3 or 4 times a year, they come to us about the same (maybe slightly less as getting children & dogs packed and organised is more difficult than just 2 adults)
It does seem like Grandparents 3 get a lot of quality time with you as it's easier to do 'memory building' experiences if you not just there for an hour or two but visits shouldn't just be a one way system, presuming grandparents are physically able to travel they can come to see you.

Yes, that aspect of it is being completely ignored by a lot of the posters critical of OPs arrangement.

@LadySinfiaSnoop You obviously don’t live in London. How much would that cost to visit for a week? There’s a huge assumption there that the grandparents have money yet the ones abroad don’t have to spend 1p!!!

Of course you would think its fair because its YOUR parents 🙄 you could alternate Christmas so each gp gets to spend Christmas day with the children . I'm quite baffled how you can't see this arrangement is HEAVILY favoured towards your parents

Grandparents 3 live a 2 hour flight away but you seem to manage to see them quite alot but an 1hr drive is too much ? This is quite obviously because they aren't your gp's. Nothing stopping your dh going without you though !

Gosh, is this some kind of competition between the GPs? Life is too short to be stressed out by this. Do what works for you, your husband and your children.

I’m a Grandparent and I think if you want to see your grandchildren more, you shld visit them, but stay in nearby accommodation, as long as yr children are happy with that. I think grandparents should try and make themselves useful to busy young families, ask parents what they can help,with? Playing with grandchildren to give them a break, babysitting, helping with household chores/jobs etc Grandparents - it’s not a competition as to who spends most time with them, just make sure it’s quality time.

Obviously it's pretty spectacularly unfair to always spent Christmas with your side of the family. I'm not surprised they are upset.

It's up to you, obviously, but I don't see how you can claim the arrangement is fair.

It seems you see them more than any of your inlaws

They can travel to you maybe ? Put some effort

I also live in my husbands country although we do see my in laws a lot more than my family I think a lot of people are underestimating thay there's a cultural aspect as well to going to your home country. Your child is missing out on a large part of their cultural identity and the visits will be providing that as well as visiting family.

Also do you not see old friends or other relatives while there?

It’s her mil and the step dad. Complaining.

Fil and stepmom get more visits.

The person complaining isn't the OP's mother in law, though, is it? It's OP's stepmother.
If the stepmother and/or father-in-law would also criticise the husband's choice of which of his parents to spend Christmas with, it's easy to imagine why he can't win and prefers to avoid the decision entirely.

I think you should take turns re Christmas and other special holidays. The rest seems fine.

You mentioned, you have a little boy. Put yourself in your MIL's shoes. If you can see yourself in the future, being totally happy with your son, spending every Christmas and every summer with his wife's family. So that you never get to spend that time with your son or your grandchildren, then fair enough. If you would want to spend that time with him, then you have to admit that you are allowing your personal preference to inform your decision making now. Which, you are 100% allowed to do. It's your family. The question was whether it was objectively fair, it isn't. But, that doesnt make it unreasonable, its just makes it the set you have chosen.

Op said she's done with this thread but I'd be interested to know who MIL communicated her criticism of how much time she gets too. Because to demand more of your DIL when shes already doing far more of the mental load on this than your own son is just rude and a bit stupid.

GP3 are obviously the favourites - which is fine. It doesn’t need to be equal. Overall you spend most weekends with one set or the other.

However summer and Christmas never seeing GP1/2 - can see why they feel they’re missing out honestly.

Also as little one gets older you’ll need to get comfortable with the fact they’ll want to stay home and not travel to see GP3 as much.

You do see your parents most of the year compared to his - even combining his

All sounds reasonable to me. Perhaps you see grandparents 3 a little excessively given the distance!

I think you are very selfish. You put all that effort into seeing your parents ;flights to book; parking at whatever airport ; packing all the luggage; paying small fortune. And Im betting its a nice holiday in the sun!
Then when you want help on inset day you drag GP 2 who you cant be bothered to visit more than once a month for few hours to look after your kid. Disgusting. Your using them, but your using your parents too!