AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

I'm mostly confused by how your husband felt comfortable casually inviting a best friend to a very expensive and one-in-a-lifetime holiday that is planned for the future. You wouldn't ask this if you weren't sure the answer would be yes. Strange behaviour, and I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about why he chose to exclude you from a conversation like this.

Does he always make bug decisions without asking you?

Or was it just this one, because he knew you'd say no, and knew it would be very hard to undo it.

Id cancel the whole trip. Tell them the figures don't add up.

Id be fucked if I was going to flog myself for 2 years to have the dream holiday when he's invited his crush along.

OP - you say, even if nothing changes, maybe he'll at least acknowledge my thoughts.

That's not good enough!
You don't have to be a doormat!

If you don't want a whole extra family tagging along on YOUR trip of a lifetime that you are planning and paying for - they don't come!

F your husband.

He’s more concerned about upsetting her than upsetting you?

I am not sure if you are a doormat or a martyr but this situation is really sad.

Op he can argue that until he’s blue in the face. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that he made a unilateral decision about a very special, very expensive family occasion without having the decency of speaking with you about. It’s a shitty thing to do to your wife regardless of whether he thinks the kids will like it. The holiday isn’t just about the kids. It’s about you too, and your family spending time together so the decisions should be made together and everyone should be on board with the plan.

From your updates, he is doing what he wants and relying on you not wanting conflict rather than treating you as an equal because he knows it works.

It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, but easier still to not bother asking for forgiveness at all because you know the other person won’t say anything after the fact. It really is a win-win for him. He gets his own way and doesn’t have to bother navigating the discussion with you. Please don’t let him bulldoze you.

If the other couple would let the friendship be affected by “sorry guys, I was a bit excitable and hadn’t even broached the topic with the rest of the family before inviting you or thought about the logistics for a trip like this. We’ve talked it through and would like to keep it just us for this one” then they aren’t as close friends as you think. We’ve been the other couple in this scenario. We didn’t even blink and booked something else instead. It isn’t a big deal unless they make it one.

As per last PP, right? Surely the friend and her husband have their own dream family holiday they want to save for at this kind of ££?

I am delighted for my friend when she goes to see volcanos exploding in Iceland once a year, but fucked if I would jump in to take up a casual invite that means I can't then separately dream of taking my kids for three weeks in Sri Lanka.

This. Being completely selfish about your needs/family needs is one of the best things about being on holiday.

@SleepySquirre1 I’d be raging about this too, YANBU

I would be livid about this - totally changes the dynamic.

Having done safaris the other concern I’d have if their children were younger and possibly less interested than yours is that you will end up sharing a vehicle and lose game drive time. Safari is long days and young kids can easily get bored - in this context the difference between 7 and 9 and animal mad is significant - but if they are restless / noisy they will scare the animals off - or you will all have to cut drives short.

if they do go to same same place maybe setting some parameters like not doing drives together would be wise.

It all sounds very odd.
You are too innocent or too easy going OP.
Whatever the nature of his relationship with this woman or whatever arrangements they had already made when you thought the safari was your idea
You are the underdog.
Not good.
Just.
Say.
No.

This is appalling op. You don't invite other people on a holiday without discussing it.

Tell him to say he made a mistake, or pay for it himself. What a prat.

I've only read OP's updates so apologies if I'm repeating anyone else, but didn't the other couple ask if he'd checked with you first?

Your husband doesn’t want to spend time on holiday - that YOU are paying for! - with YOU on his own. If his “friend” are such good friends then they would quite understand he got carried away inviting them when he tells them sorry I didn’t realise it was family only holiday and we can do something another time together as a group. Real friends you can talk to and explain these things!! Friends who your husband is basically having his cake and eating it and having the emotional connection with another woman in front of his wife! That’s not healthy or friendship! Ask yourself WHY you’re so worried about saying what you actually think and want?!?! Is it because your husband will take the side of his “friend”???? If you said it’s her or me do you know that he’d choose her? This is the Crux of the problem

Sorry she looks like she is a carpet. Always thinking about others and letting her dh walk all over herself.
Thats not a quality.

A mature approach isn’t accepting everything and HOPING her dh is apologetic.
Because he won’t. Why would he be when he saw no issue taking such a big decision wo talking to her???

You realise though that him assuming he can take such decisions on his own, wo talking to you, has damaged your marriage?
That it's likely to be yet another occasion where his wants are coming first agd you feel you can’t say NO.
That you feel you can’t say anything now because it would damage his friendship.

Basically you’re the nice little woman who always accepts whatever he decides and has no decision power in the marriage (I’m aware I’m harsh there).

You need a hell of a lot of discussion there with him on your relationship and how he treats you.
And still some huge discussions about the trip itself. Because now it’s not your trip, it’s a trip with them. Which will likely involve negotiating what activity to do, etc…. (Even when it’s a trip that’s all organised, there will be adds on etc….)

I agree that if I were the husband of the friend I’d be wondering why she had committed us to an expensive holiday with HER friend and his family without us having discussed it and without his wife and Zi being part of the discussion. They live in a little world of two.

Op you are taking a mature and balanced approach and ‘ thinking of others ‘ - in fact you come across as a decent human being. I sincerely hope that he is apologetic and that he deserves you

YANBU this would P me off massively! Inviting other people changes the dynamic of the trip and he didn’t even ask your opinion before hand. If he wants to still go I’d make him pay for it as why should you?! Sorry he has done this and took the shine off it for you x

how old are their kids. We did a safari years ago in Kenya and most will only take children over 12 years old. Hopefully your friends kids are too young! Pretty inconsiderate of your husband. I would feel annoyed too.

Mmmmm - I would insist something changes. Friends don’t trump family, or your wife. I find it amazing that he has said to a female friend ‘we’re going on Safari in Easter hols 2028, it’ll be £12,000, you in? And she’s just gone ‘yeah’.

I would chat more at length about this. If I was her, I would want to clear it with you. What with you guys having already booked it and her and your husband being besties. Not every woman would jump at the chance of a major holiday being hijacked by her husband’s female best mate.

THIS!! Wonder what her husband thinks of it all?

I would be annoyed as well, big time! And I am someone who's OH goes to gigs with my Best friend - the difference being that its discussed etc.
He would never ever consider just randomly inviting any friend of ours to something that we as a family were planning.

I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids.

He doesn't feel the same way.

If he keeps inviting his friend and family to your family things that means he wants a buffer in-between you all. A metaphorical pillow in the middle of the bed. It's nothing to do with him being more social It's to do with him not wanting to be with you/family in intimate settings.

I would change my plans OP. Don't swallow your feelings of sadness when someone has deliberately stomped on your joy. And it was deliberate.

HE doesn’t want to damage hIS friendship you mean?

Or are you also genuine friends with this couple yourself? If so, then you should be able to explain to them that he has put you in the uncomfortable position of uninviting them. Literally everyone on this thread can see that what he did was wrong, and we all recognise the difference between a group holiday and a family holiday. If they are such good friends, they will understand what’s happened here and withdraw graciously.

I have lots of friends and relatives that I love, but only a small number would I ever want to travel with. And that’s without two lots of children! Especially long distance, to a different culture and for a longer period than the short breaks you’ve done together before.

Also, a safari in a developing country is likely to be challenging in many ways. Potentially very rewarding, but harder work than the children may be used to.

And even with the best travel companions in the world, the more people in a group, the more complications will arise, it’s inevitable.

I’m surprised the friend didn’t check you were happy with her family being invited. It needs to be discussed at length, finding out everyone’s viewpoints. People react very differently towards delays and unexpected problems, for example.

You need to get this sorted before spending a fortune on something that may disappoint you.

Best of luck.

OP- your last post again is just you being rather placid, backing down and putting their feelings before your own. I don't think this sounds like an amazing friendship tbh- had I been asked to this, I would have 100% reached out to you separately to discuss/make sure you were happy and check you were aware of it/ok/agreed, not just say to him "yep we will come" on such a huge trip as if it was a done deal. It does all sound a bit weird just how close he is to her and vice versa and is insulting to you and your kids. Please don't back down. Stand up for yourself and what should be a family trip of a lifetime. Ask him to discuss with her and explain how this is something in so many ways you have planned/dreamt of for you and your family but would like to plan something in the future with them. If they were any sort of friends (or just normal people tbh!) they wouldn't fall out with you over this, they should totally get it. Stand firm (for once) please.

You’re making a lot of excuses for him OP. I’m betting that’s the usual way of things in your relationship.