AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

But he's happy to damage his relationship with his wife over this? And ruin your holiday of a lifetime?

OP he keeps putting this OW (and yes I've used that term deliberately) first. Its disrespectful to you, if nothing else.

Do you really think he honestly thought you'd be delighted? Or did he think if he presented it as a done deal then you couldn't say no and he'd get his own way? Why not discuss with you first? Are the power dynamics in your relationship normally this skewed?

Hes just proving that he doesn't really give a damn what you want/ how you feel.

Yea I would uninvite the friends and just say DH got overexcited. Real friends wouldn’t hold that against you.

You also need to have a strong conversation with your DH. He’s been very selfish.

Op,

Why don't you put your thoughts/feeling to the test with him.
Why don't you announce to him this evening when he gets home, that you've got really great news, that you've invited (X Friend and her family, perhaps a friend/family member of yours) and they are now also coming on the holiday. Watch his reaction!

It might help him to understand your perspective.

Definitely have the chat with him - he should have spoken with you first.

My DH sounds a bit like yours in some ways. My DH doesn't see or 'get' the big picture in certain situations. You are thinking about your little family making fantastic memories together and how warm and wonderful that will be - while your DH doesn't see it that way and thinks that it's a holiday and that sharing it with good friends will be great. I am definitely like you in that respect. Might be worth mentioning this to him, you sound like you may be wired a bit differently - neither is wrong, just different.

Hopefully you can get your point across and move on to look forward to your epic trip - it sounds incredible!

I have a dh like this, making unilateral decisions. Recently booked me onto a cruise with his family that I had told him I didn’t want to go on. (I’ve told him he’ll have to lose the money). Op in your opinion, not that it changes anything but do you think it occurred to him that you may not be happy with this? Of course he’s wrong, it’s totally arrogant and disrespectful to make a decision like that without consulting you.

I'm glad you'll at least be discussing this with your husband, because he needs to know how you're feeling so that he won't do this type of thing again. You absolutely deserved to be consulted before he even suggested his friend's family might join you.

I'd go so far as to say that it's possible to gently uninvite them. It needn't damage the friendship. He'd just need to phrase it correctly, explaining that you've both decided that because it's so expensive and something you've looked forward to for a while, this should be a family-only holiday. He just got too caught up in the excitement before, but while you'd all love to go on more holidays together in the future, this one was meant to be just for your family. There's nothing stopping them from still going to Kenya on their own.

The only hard thing is that I'm guessing his friend's children have been told about the holiday, and I'd feel bad about disappointing them, but if they're significantly younger, it's not that difficult to shift their focus to something else.

If you do still go with them, I'd be making certain that your husband knows not to ever unilaterally invite people on holidays again, and he'd better be pulling more than his weight in the meantime, if you're the one funding most of this holiday that he's somewhat tainted by his thoughtlessness.

He's being incredibly selfish.
He didn't talk to you about it and just decided that's what he wants to happen, so that is what will happen.
I'd be making him tell them it's off. It should not damage your friendship, they'd understand your reasons.
A once in a lifetime trip is not something to share with anyone you haven't chosen to together.

Wow. Just wow.
So obviously there was the discussion/siuggestion to his friend, who then in turn, I presume, discussed with her husband and he agreed..unless she too is like your husband and has said we want to go.. regardless of first checking with her husband..and all the while..you were left in the dark?
That, in itself is shit.

Let things go you should maybe have dealt with you mean? Of course he should have spoke to you first and he didn't and you even feel guilty?

He needs to say to his friend.

‘Hi Jen, listen about this safari business , I’ve really fucked up. Sarah wants it to be just us four, she’s always wanted to take the kids on Safari and has wanted to go on one since she was a kid. She had no idea I had asked you guys along and she saw it as a once in a lifetime family holiday. She’s not annoyed with you, just me for being ‘a more the merrier’ type of guy, I didn’t think it was a big deal, but it is. She’s still keen for us to do our usual trips and is categorically not pissed off with you. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

He needs to say this on the phone or in person, not in text. If Jen is a normal human being I imagine she’ll say ‘Oh god that’s fine’. And be slightly mortified that she was so keen to be in on another families dream holiday.

I think it was thoughtless of your husband.
You are perfectly within your rights to feel miffed.
As you know these people,its not easy to uninvite them.
Why do some husband's act like this.
My Husband can be thoughtless too! A neighbour at the door,calls me to speak to them? Invites his brother to stay,while I am work?
My husband likes company,any will do!
I would talk to your husband,maybe give it a few days to see how you feel, if you still feel the same way,husband will have to uninvite them,he started the problem so he can finish it,serves him right for not considering you!

Firstly, I do not think you should feel guilty at all. Most families that I know of, do NOT go on long-haul holidays of a lifetime with anyone else. In addition, there will be so much to see and take in that having to consider other people could be considered quite intrusive.
Secondly, If I have understood your post correctly, this holiday is planned for 2 years' time?
A great deal may change in the interim.
So, whilst perhaps setting up a dedicated holiday fund (and ensuring that you are both contributing), doing lots of research online and via travel agents about what is on offer, what vaccinations and other precautions you need to take before departure, what clothing etc. etc. (may need to be added to the holiday budget), I would certainly not be booking anything now.
As for the other family, as I said, a lot may happen in the interim, but I would echo others and do 2 things.

1. Tell your H in no uncertain terms that you do not agree with his invitation - I assume he asked if they want to go at the same time, rather than extending an invitation to the other family for an all-expenses paid safari holiday.
2. Speak to his "friend" personally, if possible, to explain, as dispassionately as you can, that this was a "spur of the moment" idea (of your Hi's) and had not been discussed, in advance, with you. I would also add that your family was looking forward to sharing the experience together and you do not think it is the right setting for a "group" holiday.

This is not a 'both sides' situation and there is no world where you should feel guilt for wanting only your family on this landmark holiday. Your husband has shown appalling entitlement and contempt for you with his unilateral decision. Give him the choice, uninvite them or the holiday is cancelled. Consider it a lesson in mutual respect that your husband desperately needs.

You are ABSOLUTELY NOT being unreasonable. Your DH making this decision unilaterally with zero consultation makes him a total arse in my book.

It doesn't matter whether you get on with this family or not, this was to have been a special family holiday and now for you (the one it seems who is making some sacrifices to foot the bill) the shine has been taken away.

Personally I'd be telling him to put this right immediately by telling the friend that there has been a big misunderstanding. If he isn't prepared to do that, if you get on with her well enough, I'd meet with the friend and explain the once in a lifetime nature of the safari and while you absolutely don't want to cause any offence and would love to continue sharing holidays at a different time, that on this occasion it will be family only.

I absolutely realise it shouldn't be you who is having to put things right but just suggested this as a way to reclaim your planned holiday. If neither he nor you feel you can talk to the other family, I'd be trying to reclaim the deposit and rebook a bit later, thinking of some excuse why it can no longer happen when you'd originally planned. If the deposit isn't refundable I'd be telling DH that the cost of that is on him alone.

I think he needs to face some sort of real world consequences for his utter lack of consideration for your feelings and if this is him facing an uncomfortable conversation with his friend, or having to pay for a lost deposit himself, then so be it.

There simply can't be any valid excuse for what he's done here. If he tries to make you feel bad for his total failure to consider your feelings, do not put up with that. Why should you be forced into a martyr role here. His apology should be grovelling as he has dicked this up badly.

To play devils advocate slightly- and let’s be clear I’m not saying I agree with what he’s done- if you’ve been on holiday with this family before and enjoyed he probably just thought the same would apply here and you’d be happy with it. That’s probably the reason he’ll give when you ask him what on earth possessed him to do this.
It was totally out of order for him to invite them without discussing with you. To my mind a holiday with friends is planned and organised from the beginning as just that- a holiday with friends. Not friends being invited to join a holiday that’s already been planned and conceived of by you as a family.
Holidaying as multiple families together can get complicated with having to take account of others needs, preferences and routines. It has its upsides too, such as shared childcare and opportunity for alone time just you and OH if you’re prepared to return the favour. Perhaps that’s what OH was thinking. I guess it might be fun, and good company for the kids.
But if that’s not what you are up for then absolutely fine to consider pulling out or insisting that he uninvite them.
It’s not that hard, he just needs to say ‘friend, I’m sorry I totally overstepped by suggesting you come on this trip, I didn’t check with sleepysquirrel first and really we were hoping for a family holiday just us’. He better not make you out to be the bad guy though!

I’d tell him that the onus is on him to make it happen. Don’t work harder than usual and let him make up the shortfall. He has changed the holiday without discussion to something you will not enjoy as much so why should you make it happen in the same way?

Are you serious OP?😤

I immediately thought the best friend was a male & even then I'd be furious. When I read you were talking about another woman my expression changed to wide eyed open mouth. I'm usually one to suggest not rocking the boat & looking for amicable solutions. The only solution I suggest in this situation is to tell your DH unless you go alone as a family on this special adventure you are cancelling the whole idea. If this interferes with the 'friendship' then this family are not true friends. I would understand perfectly if my DH did this (he wouldn't) and then explained to the friends my wife is happy for us to holiday together but not on this particular occasion. In fact I'd be so angry I'd politely & calmly tell them myself. If he can't find joy in spending this particular holiday with you & your children without having this other woman & her family tag along I'd seriously question why.

This. I can't believe how calm you're being @SleepySquirre1. I'd be fuming. Not that dh would dream of this. Outrageous!

My ex always had to get his own way, refused to discuss anything with me by zoning out and doing exactly as he pleased whilst making me feel crazy. Any holidays we had we had to go where he wanted to go and our children and I had no voice, our needs, wishes were dismissed and would be twisted to make us feel we were selfish.
The big company I worked for was running a scheme where money was taken out of your account monthly for three years. At the end of the three years you could take out the money that had been put aside or buy and sell the shares in company (they would be guaranteed the amount they were on the day you signed up if they lost value or the price they rose to) I told our children we would in three years go on a holiday of their choosing and they chose Disneyworld.
Ex tried to wear me down insisting we spend the money on his dream holiday, I pointed out he had always vetoed our choice numerous times before. He got his family and friends to make out I was being very selfish. He then said he wouldn’t go so I shrugged and agreed it wasn’t his sort off holiday, he then insisted he would need a new surf board as there were good waves near where we would be staying and I’d have to pay not only for a new board but the cost of extra baggage allowance. I told him he’d have to pay for that!
We had a wonderful holiday, WE all enjoyed it and agreed it was fantastic! On the way home I turned to him and said we should save up next time and go to the destination of his choosing and to take it in turns to have a choice. He agreed on saving up for his choice but told me every holiday would be of his choosing.
That’s when I gave up on our relationship and realised how one sided it was, he wasn’t capable of compromise and had always put himself first.

No way would I be working my arse off to pay for this now!

He had no right to make a decision about a family holiday without your input.

I think you're being incredibly passive, to be honest. I'd be absolutely kicking off over a shared holiday when you've put so much effort into planning it.

I'd also be very hurt that the thought of spending time together is so unappealing to him.

Just think of all the energy you are going to have to expend between now and then pretending to be 'delighted' to these friends. And 'not minding' the financial sacrifices you are going to be making, to make everyone else happy but yourself. All the drain on your energy overcoming that pang of disappointment everytime you think about the holiday between now and then. That is what you are prepared to damage yourself with because he did this and neither of you feel you can explain to the friends, an error has been made becasue you are protecting their (assumed) feelings too.
I hope you do not make light of what he has done to you when you bring it up.

This isn’t just a holiday is it though, it’s a big family decision and a major financial commitment. That your DH chose to change and involve others in without consulting or considering you at all.

He can figure out how to undo the invitation. And maybe start his own savings plan for another holiday with you and his friends and all the kids so he doesn’t let them all down too.

Why are you the main breadwinner.?
What does he do..
What is the set up.
I feel there's more to this than the presented issue.

I'd tell him to uninvite them. He can say he didn't think it through properly.

MIL invited a friend of hers to our wedding without checking as she assumed it would be fine. We told her to withdraw the invite as we didn't have room. They stayed friends