AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

"his best friend, her husband. Are they just friends"

Oh FFS, I see we moved straight into Stepford Wives country only a few responses in.

What nasty, distrustful little minds that go straight to that. And yes, I DO know "what men are like" and I DID vote that the OP INBU.

I use AI a lot to understand the conversations between my narcissistic brother and I.

I popped in;

"Somebody says "oh don't look like that" when they've made a decision without me"

And the analysis was very interesting, and vocalised why your husbands response made me feel uneasy.

"When someone tells you, "Don't look like that," after making a decision without you, they are essentially attempting to manage your emotions to soothe their own conscience. By focusing on your facial expression rather than their own unilateral action, they pivot the tension away from the fact that they excluded you. It serves as a defensive shield; if they can get you to change your "look," they can ignore the underlying conflict and avoid feeling guilty about overstepping.
To handle this effectively, it’s best to name the behavior directly. Rather than arguing about your face, shift the focus back to the lack of consultation. A calm response like, "My face reflects my surprise at being left out," addresses the root issue without escalating the drama. This reinforces the idea that your reaction is a natural consequence of their choice, making it clear that mutual respect—not your expression—is the real topic at hand."

If only the laugh emoji was still available. As it is I’m going to have to fill space on a rapidly filling thread to express my appreciation 😂.

I'd be absolutely livid at the lack of communication before asking them.
Completely different if you had both agreed to having other people coming on your family holiday.
But if he's not communicating with you on this, I'd be asking him why he's acted alone on it. Especially if you're paying the bill.

I would feel the same as you. I love my friends but I get a bit anxious in unfamiliar places and only my husband can keep me calm. Plus such a huge holiday that you have planned and saved for should just be your family. You didn't mention if they expect you to pay anything for them? That would be my big problem, if they pay their own way and their own accommodation I can't see how you can stop them, won't it just be like two families who happen to go on the same holiday? Maybe let them come but make sure your husband knows you would like to do your own things on some days.

I think you have spectacularly missed the point here. This isn't actually about the holiday, it's about control and lack of agency in a relationship

Probably best to read the thread first next time.

I honestly think he probably assumed I’d be pleased about it too.

WAKE UP OP!

He absolutely knows this is not what you would want, that is why he has done it without even telling you (let alone asking you), it is what HE wants so he has made sure nothing could get in the way of his decision.

The fact that they have agreed to it without even asking what you think is quite shocking too, has he lied to them that you are on board? Have they assumed you know about the invite and are okay with it, or do they not care what you think/want?

I'd be ringing her myself and having a chat to be honest, just ring and ask her if they were planning on coming as your DH has blindsided you with the news and you would have to re-arrange the plans you have made up to now if they were wanting to come too. This way you can subtly let her know you aren't impressed by it without actually telling them not to come.

Any decent person would bow out at that stage.

That is an incredibly dismissive response, I would be so upset if that was my DH and I absolutely would be asking him to disinvite his friend. If that’s enough to ruin a longstanding friendship then perhaps it wasn’t that strong to start with.

I'd much prefer the more the merrier approach. Nuclear family holidays bore me senseless after 48 hours.

He should have spoken to you first either way.

Exactly, if he'd rather upset his wife than cause a bit of embarrassment with his best friend. It really says where priorities are.

I haven't RTFT but safari is a really social holiday. You won't be just your nuclear family anyway as meals tend to be communal. We've been a few times with and without kids and with kids with another family would have been way better.

I can’t see any reason why they can’t be disinvited, this trip is two years away. Your DH made this mess and should be adult enough to fix it. “Sorry BFF I got a bit carried away when I invited you on the safari, we are just going to have a family trip. Let’s book something a little more low key for us as a group “
If your DH won’t fix it because he doesn’t want to upset BF that tells you the is happy for you to be upset so that she isn’t. Or that he would prefer that you are upset rather than face brief embarrassment with a good friend. Any adult would understand that this invitation wasn’t actually appropriate particularly as it hadn’t been discussed with you.
It is very selfish behavior on his part at a minimum.

This sounds so awful on so many levels. It's staggering and you don't seem to be able to see it or stand up for yourself. Your husband has went behind your back to arrange his best female friend and family joining you on a special once in a lifetime experience. Not a weekend camping or whatever.

He's presumably had to have fairly detailed conversations with her because it's a big expensive thing to do, not just something to be arranged over text. He purposely hasn't told you that he's talked to her about it. Kept it from you. His friend has presumably not bothered to ask if you are ok with it. You aren't being considered. They are making plans together. He knows that's it's not what you would have wanted and he doesn't care.

His response to you about "not making a face" shows he doesn't care. He has put what he wants first. He knows you won't make a fuss and will suck it up unhappily. And to put the boot in further you will pay for it. He must think you are a bit of a sucker honestly.

He should be putting you first and considering your feelings. Your updates show that he doesn't. Time to stand up for yourself.

Yeap, I did. We were out together with all of my friends for dinner and the trip to Switzerland came up and I said do you guys want to join?! And everyone said yes haha! But back then (we didn’t have kids yet) we used to go on a weekend trip to Europe at least once a month (good old days with the cheap ryanair flights 😂) So I didn’t think about it thoroughly!

Oh no OP put your foot down and don’t be walked over.
Do you realy want to be with him after this? His disregard for your feelings …

amazing holiday plus getting to share it with people he loves spending time with

Shouldn't those people he loves spending time with be you and your DC? Are you and your DC not entertaining enough for him?

Grown up me would have a serious talk with him about the marriage and family coming first, not friends.

Petty bitch me work be changing the dates and not telling him or his friend, I also wouldn't be paying for him if he couldn't be arsed to share this amazing experience with me and the DC.

But why would inviting another family along make a 'good thing better?' Surely a family unit will have an amazing time just the 4 of them? It sounds as though the OP's DH would rather not spend time just with his wife and kids & wants his best friend along so he doesnt get bored. I have friends who rarely holiday just with their immediate family but always combine with relatives. All that has happened is their kids have turned into teenagers who refuse to go on holiday if its 'just' with their parents/siblings. I personally think that's a shame.

I’m a firm believer that there are two sorts of people: those who like to meet friends on an individual basis or within a specific group and those who are “more the merrier” types. And neither can understand the other!

I think that - unless you are both undoubtedly the latter type - these situations need to be managed carefully. There’s a huge difference between your DH dropping on you that his friend and her family are joining you at the pub for the evening and his inviting them on your (clearly) special holiday.

He needs to tell his friend he misstepped. Apologise to her, reassure her it’s nothing personal/not about her/them or whatever. Maybe arrange a weekend away en masse or something. But he needs to get back to this being a family holiday for your family…..

Oh no he didnt say "oh dont look like that", like hes only taken the last Rolo or something 😂

Im getting vibes that you'll be totally railroaded into doing whatever everyone else wants to do on this holiday. I really do hope you find the confidence to stand up to him about this, its really not on what hes done and as a pp said he can just tell his mate he made a mistake. Unless he values his pal more he can very easily roll back on this without upsetting his friend.

So he doesn’t discuss things with you and you don’t discuss things with him?

You both have serious communication issues.

So basically he cares more his friend is happy to go more than he cares you don't want the friend to go?
Given you are paying he is one cheeky fucker...

You don’t need this man @SleepySquirre1 he would struggle without you paying for everything. You might not notice that much difference in your standard of living without him and plus you wont be railroaded into putting up with husband’s demand of total control and fearing his reaction if you say no.
He doesn’t see you as a priority in his life just a convenience to pay his way.

This isn't a man who really cares what you feel. It's the reaction of someone who cares about getting their own way.

I understand that this isn't a thread that you want to pull on but I suspect your subconscious is screaming at you that this situation is not right.

The dynamic with the friends is not a positive one if it's resulting in your husband making family decisions unilaterally. It does sound like there's more going on there than you may want to acknowledge.

If he cares more about damaging the friendship with her than he does about his own wife's feelings then there is an issue. The kids are a smokescreen, they will enjoy themselves without additional people there. That's just emotional leverage for him.

You need to really think hard about the pattern of behaviour that is playing out in front of you. Don't dismiss your gut instincts because I suspect that's why you started this thread.

It must be a shock to the system that so many strangers on the internet can see what's clearly happening in this situation. Take some time and look at the situation with fresh eyes as we are.