AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

YANBU. Adding other people to a holiday changes the dynamic entirely!!

DH did the same to me years ago. We were planning a Disney World trip with our DC. They would have been 3 yo and 18 months at the time of travel. He walked into the kitchen happy and smiling and declared that his mother had agreed to come with us!! He thought she’d be a “big help” 🤨 WTAF!!

I must have looked stunned. She doesn’t ever help with the kids, complains a lot and is a massively fussy eater. Oh, and she never pays for herself. So my answer was “hard no, not happening”. We didn’t book the trip!! There wasn’t a way to get out of it without upsetting her, which I didn’t want to do. I like her, we’ve since been on other holidays with her. In this case, I just didn’t want to make a lot of concessions on a super special (very expensive) family holiday.

5 years later we’re finally planning the same trip. She isn’t invited this time 😂

Can you change the trip dates and kind of skirt over it with the friends?

Yes this

But she might not want to share memories with anyone else?!

I don’t think OP is under any illusion that it’ll just be her family of 4 on the excursions but at least with strangers nobody feels obligated to, for example, make conversation with anyone else over dinner - unless they want to of course.

Totally unacceptable not to discuss this.also I know of two couples who holidayed together and it did turn out it was because they were having an affair. Most people do trust their husbands until they realise they were ridiculously nieve

The op has not at any point suggested that she thinks they'll be in a couple's retreat isolated from society.

Being in groups with friendly strangers is a million miles away from bff tagging along without any discussion about it with the op.

Op. Stand up for yourself this is not ok.

Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked, because neither of us would want to damage the long lasting friendship over this.

It'll possibly damage the friendship of you uninvite them - but possibly not as absolutely no one would think it was OK for him to invite them without your knowledge (unless they actually are having an affair and your husband's best friend is in on the plan...) However, it will definitely damage your marriage if you don't put a stop to this, OP.

Like fuck would I be doing two years of overtime to gooseberry on what should be an amazing family holiday but would in fact be my husband and his bestie having fun while I third wheeled.

"Ryan, the fact that you have felt confident to do something so outrageous as invite an entire other family on the trip of a lifetime with our family without even consulting me has made me reassess a few things. You obviously think that I'm enough of a doormat that I'm just going to let you do this, but I care too much about our marriage and our family for that. Either you uninvite them or I will - I will simply tell them the truth, that you invited them without my knowledge. I don't care what you tell them, except that you must be clear there actually isn't an invitation to join us (you are only half an invite). If you sulk about this or try to change my mind I shall be booking relationship counselling to explore why you think this is OK. You've got until the end of the week. Let me know when you've done it."

@SleepySquirre1 I agree with the huge majority that his doing this without asking and checking was very very off.

It sounds to me like you are going to go along with it to keep the peace and not upset a long term friendship? I don't think that's the right step here. Otherwise it makes it seem like he was right and there's no issue, there is.

To me the options would be:

1. He lets them know you've all decided it would be better to just make this a family trip. Any good friendship can get past this and also, this was his mistake.
2. He tells them you guys looked at the cost and have decided to postpone for a couple more years but you hope they have a great time. [Postponing lets him help earn the money to financially contribute too...]

Time and time again women's compromises allow men to get what they wanted in the first place. I don't normally bring this stuff up on mums net but really your post is a prime example...!

Good luck!

She doesn't want to go with her husbands friends (supposedly hers too). She booked it for just here little family of 4.

I'm sure everyone's said this already but JC. What the hell was he thinking? Certainly not about you. At all. In any way. Time to cancel the trip and he needs to sort it out with his emotional affair best friend. Yuk yuk yuk. I'm so sorry OP - what an idiot he is x

I can understand your upset, however when you are on safari unless you’ve booked a private guide your memories will be made with a bunch of strangers! Having friends there at least means you can continue to share memories with your friends when you get back!

I'm assuming that although you've been on holiday with this family before, you don't holiday with them every single time? I would be seriously pissed off in your shoes, if my husband invited friends on holiday with us, without discussing it with me first. I would be wanting to know why he thought he didn't need to discuss it with me!! Liking the family, enjoying their company and even holidaying with them before, aren't reasons enough, not to have a conversation with you.

Agree with this.

Just ensure he disinvites them before they pay their deposit too.

(Also, as a pp pointed out, did this female best friend not question how you would feel about them joining you? That would be the first thing that came out of my mouth if I was in her situation 😡).

But maybe she hasn't appreciated that in the actual lived experience she could either be in a jeep all day with mates OR be sharing with mad Americans planning to go shoot everything at the next place OR Germans with huge cameras insisting on stopping for hours constantly to photograph birds... both of which have happened to me. With randoms it's a toss-up they might be awful.

Can he not manage a month without seeing his 'mate'? Is he that desperate for her company that she has to come on holiday too?

A safari like you describe is a GROUP experience.

yes, a group of rando's, not a group of people you are friends with back home, you can be more yourself in front of a group of strangers sometimes, knowing you are never going to have to see them again.

I would also hazard a guess that there is something underlying about his relationship with this friend that makes OP nervous or uncomfortable in some way.. it explains why he has done this without asking her, it explains why she doesn't feel like she can voice her disappointment, and it explains why he has reacted badly, and shut her down, when it is obvious she isn't ecstatic about the idea.

He is automatically putting his friend, and what he wants above his wife and what she wants.. who's to say that is not going to carry on on the holiday.. instead of being just them and their kids, there will be another woman there wanting his attention too, so instead of sitting down to dinner with OP, he'll probably be chatting to his mate, while OP puts the kids to bed etc.

Honestly how anyone can make excuses for him is beyond me.. if it was all above board he would have ASKED her first.

OMG who has time to read 13 pages of comments?! I was responding directly to the OP rather than the million responders who have never been on a safari and have nothing to add to the discussion other than weird speculation about her husband's motives for having a female pal.

Yes, he should have checked.
Will she divorce him over this? Probably not.
Are they still going to go on the trip? Probably yes.
It it possible that having not been on safari before she maybe doesn't appreciate how much of a group experience it would be, with or without mates? Possibly.
Will they, on balance, have a better time sharing a jeep with mates rather than randoms? Probably.
Is it helpful context for her to hear from someone who has actually been on safaris that this is likely to be the case? I hope yes. Maybe she can start looking forward to it again.

Because the post wasn't 'is my husband having an affair' or 'should I leave him' or 'is he abusive'. It was - 'I'm feeling sad I'm not looking forward to it as much now'.

Have they paid their deposit? If not I’d get on the phone to them and explain. I’m sure they’ll understand if they’re good friends of yours

I would still go because frankly it will be amazing and your kids will probably prefer there being other kids there. BUT I would be raging that he had done this without asking me

Him inviting them and not discussing it with you is just not on

i would be having a very long conversation with him about just how unacceptable this is, that you were looking for it to be a chance for just the four of you, that you are the one doing most of the saving, including having to do without things , towards this and as a minimum should have been consulted and that the excitement is now lost as he has totally changed the holiday.

Personally I would insist he tells them that sorry thinking about it it should just be the four of you and disinvite them

I’d rather have the safari with randoms experience than dh’s bestie tagging along making it a them holiday.

With randoms you are not making plans to meet up with just a family. You are doing the shared group stuff then going back to your own accommodations.

There isn’t chatter about don’t remember when or in jokes. It’s a whole new experience for everyone even if you have done safari before. It’s new people.

Women tend to have more emotional intelligence and self awareness than men. Did his female best friend not show any concern about whether or not you would want this?

The point of the thread is not whether it's a good idea to bring friends on a safari. It's that OPs husband didn't bother to ask her if it was ok to bring them. And she doesn't really want them there.

That's not 'letting things go'. It's capitulating to avoid an argument. It doesn't matter what people on MN think about it, and you might well have been BU, you should be able to tell your husband how you feel about this or about anything really.

I've never seen anyone not read a thread, miss the point, then read the thread and miss the point again 😂😂🤣

I think you should definitely take up limbo dancing. Seems like things easily go over your head.

OK I've read more of the thread now.

I don't think a single poster who has commented so far has actually been on a safari.

A safari like you describe is a GROUP experience. Meals are communal with other guests, you share a jeep with other guests. You will not be making core-4-of-you memories on this holiday as you will be in small groups with other guests every minute of the day.

If you were headed to Lanzarote or the Maldives or Costa Rica or god knows, anywhere, I'd see your point, but this one specific holiday you will either be in a jeep all day every day with randoms or you can be in a jeep with mates.

People talking about the pains of accommodating everyone on a group trip, totally, again I get it. But a safari that is not the case, every minute of each day is accounted for. And again, in a jeep you can either go with group consensus of what animals to go look for by negotiating with random strangers or you can negotiate with your mates.

All those who hate group holidays - absolutely valid. But don't ever go on safari then, you'd hate it.