AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

When I ask my friends about their holiday plans, at no point do I invite myself along to any of their holidays with my family. If a friend said they were going camping up the road, you would still wait to be invited along. Doubtful she invited herself and family onto another family’s dream holiday.

I’d be far more suspicious of him wanting his ‘best friend’ there. I find the term ‘best friend’ as an adult male/female very bizarre. My DH is my best friend because I can talk to him about anything and everything and he knows me better than anyone. I think the majority of couples would say their partners do not have a ‘best friend’ from the opposite sex.

But money in a marriage is JOINT money. By law.

No, it isn't. It becomes a 'matrimonial asset' for the purposes of a divorce settlement, but money isn't automatically joint money by law while you're married, unless it's in a joint bank account.

If your salary is paid into your own, single bank account, your spouse doesn't own that money simply because they're married to you.They might have a right to some of it in a divorce, but it's not joint money by law while you're married.

Having done a family holiday on Africa, it is definitely better with other families. Kids happier and everyone gets time out. Would you rather go with a family you know or be paired with an unknown family.

however I would have issue that he didn’t discuss it with me first.

I would follow his lead and without talking to him first, call his friend to nicely explain you hadn’t been asked, you like her and her family very much and you hope she will understand but on this occasion you don’t want to share your holiday with them so they can’t come.

SHe is likely to understand but even if she doesn’t, there’s no way they can join you on the holiday knowing you don’t want them there. He will probably be angry despite having done the same thing. It will be scorchingly embarrassing for him so he will unlikely to forget your feelings and opinions are as important as his in the future

If the deposit is refundable, I'd get it back, re-book the week after and not tell anyone. Then you'd still get the holiday that you wanted and you could just pretend it was a mix up somewhere.

Given the rest of your post, though, you also seem to be suggesting that OP shouldn't mind their friends joining?

@SleepySquirre1 - in one of your earlier posts you said that you regularly adjust your thinking and see things from his perspective, and that this approach has helped you “let things go in the past”.

Your husband now dismissing your evident displeasure with a curt “oh don’t look like that” further suggests that he routinely prioritises his own needs and interests over yours. He doesn’t value your feelings as long as he gets what he wants.

This is not good. It seems something in your relationship is deeply unhealthy.

Isn't it telling you think he is more worried about his long standing friendship than his marriage and his dw?

Your DH needs to message his friend sharpish and tell them they're not coming. I would be so incredibly pissed off in your shoes.

I'm assuming the kids will be teens because it's definitely not a holiday for young children. You have to be quiet on safari and there is a lot of travel. There's no nipping out of the jeep for a wee behind a bush when there are lions around. There is, of course, always the risk of danger even in the confines of the jeep. My DH got bitten by a monkey and had to have all sorts of shots.

Yes but you aren’t obliged to spend any time directly with other guests - outside of the game drives. If you’re with friends, you’ll feel obligated to spend time with them, and even if you don’t, in such an intimate setting, you’d never be able to escape them.

Where you say 'and I also know just how much he enjoys the company of his friend' his friend being the woman he's invited. I'd bet her husband isn't a fan of their great pure friendship either, Just a hunch.

He's known her a long time. What's their story?

Firstly, not all safaris are the way you describe. I'm going on a safari this year. It's a self-drive and we're not going to be travelling with any other guests. We might book a couple of guided drives/walks from the different lodges we're staying in, where we'd be with others for a few hours at a time, but we aren't doing the whole trip with other guests and at no point will we be eating or socialising with them.

Secondly, it's very different being with strangers and being with friends. If you're on a guided trip with other people, you're perfectly free not to chat with them if you'd rather not. But if you're travelling with friends and your kids are playing with their kids, you can't exactly just ignore them. You end up having to justify having dinner without them, you'd have to deal with any spats between your kids and their kids, you end up talking about the same boring life-shit that you're on holiday to get away from, etc. It's completely different.

Thirdly, did you miss the part where he didn't even consult her before inviting his best friend on a holiday that the OP is paying for?

OP, I would be absolutely incandescent if my partner just decided he could invite people on our holiday without even asking me! It's appalling.

Oh I see, apologies.

On what planet does anyone invite friends on a family holiday without checking with their partner first, let alone a holiday of a lifetime. Does this actually happen?!! At no point did your DH think to himself ‘i’ll just check that’s ok with my Wife first’ 🤯

He made a huge mistake, so he can be the one to tell them its a special FAMILY holiday and uninvite them. They may have been completely unaware you were kept out the loop.

I’d be beyond upset if my DH invited friends on any of our holidays without checking and the answer would always be no for us as that’s our special time with the kids.

Normally I'd agree with you, but when you go on safari there aren't usually many options to plan for. You get up early, go for a game drive, idle your time away in the lodge, read or play games, swim if there's a pool, eat delicious food usually in a mess tent with everyone else who's staying at the lodge, (you don't get to choose when you eat, and sometimes food options are limited; after all it all has to be flown in) go for an evening game drive, participate in whatever activity has been planned for that night, go to bed, rinse and repeat, visiting different areas of the game park on different days. You are rarely alone on game drives. There are always going to be other guests around anyway.

Same. The OP will also end up babysitting everyone’s kids while he star gazes with his best friend.

I agree.

He doesn’t sound like the sharpest tool in the shed. He earns less than the OP so he isn’t even the one paying for the trip.

He can save and then cancel with his friends when he realises he hasn’t saved enough money.

What an absolute twat.

I’m sociable but big trips like that are definitely just for your immediate family. Travelling with even the best friend can be really hard work and it would be such a headache to accommodate everyone with mealtimes etc. Ask him how he’d feel if you’d invited your best friends family?

It’s also really weird he didn’t think to ask you first.

Then he, as PPs have said. Needs to fund the entire thing. He cares more having fun with his 'best friend' than your feelings.

It's weird for a married man to have a married woman as a best friend. It's massively rare that there aren't feelings in there somewhere.

You'll get to watch them stargazing together at your expense.

I'd die on this hill. I doubt that this is a first time he's pulled a stunt.

As a pp suggested I’d be tempted to go “ great I’ll invite my mum and some friends from work”

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

Then he uninvites them or you tell him you won't pay or go. Stand up for yourself.

This is exactly my point. I'm 100% positive the husband has planned this trip with his female bestie and it's HER that he really wants to make memories with. They have definitely talked about the trip and maybe it's something she always wanted to do so he made it happen as a joint family holiday. A safari is such an unusual and expensive holiday that it's impossible for the invitation to be accepted spontaneously.

This does not necessarily mean he's being unfaithful but he obviously finds his female best friend more fun and entertaining than his own wife. Not sure which option is worse tbh.

But money in a marriage is JOINT money. By law.

Not quite. Couples can choose to pool all their income or they can choose to share a percentage of it to pay for joint household and family bills, with any left over to remain in their separate personal accounts.

Money in personal accounts which has never been used as 'family' money does not always count towards joint money. See, for example an inheritance. If one person received an inheritance solely in their name and they keep it invested solely in their own name then it is not automatically counted as joint money, even in the event of divorce.

I assume that they are paying for themselves or are you subsidising them like you are with your husband? You have said in your OP that you are the main bread winner and you will be working incredibly hard to earn/save enough for this once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Will he be working incredibly hard too and making sacrifices?

It's definitely something that he should have discussed with you before inviting them. Does he have a habit of making unilateral decisions that you then need to go along with?