AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

I wouldn't be working hard to facilitate my husband prioritising his friend over me. He uninvites them or no holiday. It looks like he couldn't face spending that time only with his family- I'd be really upset and it would make me reconsider our relationship. Do you get any time as a family or is his mate always there?

He is clearly prioritizing this so-called friendship over you and your children, which likely signals a troubling pattern in his behavior. If you've only put down a deposit for the holiday, why not cancel it? Suggest that your husband go with his friend, using his own hard-earned money to pay for it. This way, you can plan a special trip for yourself and the kids. It’s time to reclaim some control back and make it clear that this behavior will no longer be accepted. Do not waste your hard-earned money or compromise your mental health on someone who doesn’t prioritize you and your family, let alone someone who doesn't even have the decency to talk to you first.

The fact your dh has a female best friend is a massive red flag 😩

but honestly that isn’t something I’m worried about at all. I completely trust him. He’s known her as long as he’s known me and she genuinely is probably his closest friend.

and none of the above is reassuring in any way!

He didn’t ask you first because he wanted it to be a fait accompli. He was asking her along whether you wanted her or not - He knew you’d prefer it to be just your family so that’s why you weren’t consulted.

i have a bad feeling about this whole thing…

Wow, your dh is a dick!!

Indeed....such an obvious one sided post that one wonders what the point is

Yes that’s out of order - the bit discussing it with you first? What would you Jane said if he had thought to ask you? No presumably (completely understandable) . Maybe that’s why he didn’t ask or as you say he genuinely didn’t see the holiday in the same way as you and is a ‘more the merrier’ type.

As a side note though - I may be alone here but expressions such as ‘core family time’ and ‘our little family’ make me cringe so in my opinion you are BU for that, but only that.

Not surprised you are upset. I wouldn’t feel comfortable at all and not able to just be myself.

I wouldn't go. Why work hard and make sacrifices for something that feels tainted and ruined all because another stupid man "didn't think". Plan some other lovely thing with your children or get your daft husband to un-invite them. But I wouldn't just go along with this nonsense.

Let's flip the script for a minute and consider which man would be okay with a situation where-

• he was largely financing the holiday through his hard-earned money
• his wife invited her (male) best friend and his entire family of four without any discussion whatsoever or any clue that this was going to happen

I think we would be waiting a very long time to find a man who would be okay with this.

Going with people you know is not comparable to being in a resort with other guests. You're obliged to make plans with and interact with people you know who come on holiday with you, you'll be expected to make compromises on where you go at what time and feel obliged to be in social mode. The dynamics of this are very different when it's just your own immediate family.

gets my vote

I concur.

I see why you say that, but he isn't going to fix it, is he?

So OP can contact these friends directly and explain to them that this was a huge misunderstanding* or she can let the arrangement stand and have the trip of a lifetime poisoned and years of resentment while she saves up for a trip she no longer wants.

I'm camp emotional-attachment here - he wants this woman friend on the trip because he has feelings for her.

• and won't it be interesting to see how DH responds to that move! At least the OP has her line ready - don't look like that!

see I think "Don't look like that" means that he knew or at least suspected that you would not be happy with his "great idea" "Are you ok" "what's the matter" says to me that he might have genuinely thought you'd be pleased (well not really but I am being kind) or at least that he hadn't thought about your feelings, which is also bad........but "Don't look like that" he knew.....he bloody knew.

I don’t think he sees it as a once in a lifetime experience just a luxury holiday

You should absolutely tell him how disappointed you are, and that he should pay for the holiday, because it's a different holiday now isn't it, it's the holiday he wants, not the one you agreed to, and he changed his mind without consulting you, so you can't spend two years of your life slogging your guts out to pay for his holiday.

Does he know you don’t like the idea of holidays with friends? My husband grew up always going on holidays with his parents friends and their children and I’ve never known my in laws go away just them so he’d possibly be inclined that way too but he knows it’s definitely not for me as I’ve made very clear and so would never invite friends like that. We’ve done center parcs for a weekend with pals and that’s good but he knows I don’t want to share our main holiday.

Agree with all of this! I love lots of my friends and their kids but I would still want to keep a trip like this just the 4 of my immediate family. It’s an amazing experience to bond over.

I honestly think he didn’t even consider you at all.

Please ask him how it came about. Did he think of it? OR did he tell friend about the trip and she invited herself? If she invited herself then she is his priority because he didn’t even think about you - or worse he did and decided she was more important.

Id be tempted to cut my losses and cancel, seriously. You won’t enjoy it.

How much younger are their dc? Would they even enjoy a safari? Isn't nature gruesome at times?

Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked, because neither of us would want to damage the long lasting friendship over this.

I think this is a pretty groundshaking thing to think about your DH, OP. That he would protect his friendship over his marriage. Do you really believe that if you kicked up a fuss (and I'm not suggesting that is the best thing to do, but hypothetically) he would actually refuse to put you first? Because if so, how can you really trust him? He made an invitation he should never have made without discussing with you first and you think he would risk his relationship with you over his relationship with his friend. I think a relationship like that is inappropriate - not because of the "is she just a friend angle", but because regardless of their sexes and sexualities, that is a loyalty that puts a strain on your marriage.

In terms of the holiday - I can understand how kids might prefer to have other kids with them. But I also think it detracts to some extent from reinforcing the family bonds that you want from a holiday like this. Do you think a compromise where they join you for the second half (and can stay on for their own second half) would satisfy you both, and your DC?

Ouf. My DH pulled something similar 10 years ago and I still resent him for it- it was our last trip before getting pregnant and last opportunity to do as we like; instead had to pander to another couple. Haven’t forgiven that to this day.

It can sometimes be an indication of trouble in a relationship if one partner invites others to join them for partner or family occasions. Do you think that your relationship with your DH is solid? Or is there any distance or tension in the relationship? It doesn't necessarily mean he is attracted to his friend (though it doesn't necessarily not mean that either). But avoiding an extended holiday with just you and the children at close quarters could be a sign of something larger.

In your shoes I would definitely talk to him about your disappointment and ask him to communicate to his friend that this holiday will be for just you and the family. And also have a heart-to-heart conversation about the state of your marriage.

From his perspective, this probably felt like a win-win situation — amazing holiday plus getting to share it with people he loves spending time with.

All about him - so he should be the one paying - tell him he has made it his own - you aren't as interested anymore and give him the payment schedule

This, OP.

Please just look him in the eyes and tell him you aren't paying for it.

Make no mistake he's invited the other kids to act as babysitters for yours and his best friend so he can share his once in a lifetime holiday with his best friend, who is clearly not his wife.