AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

Sadly, so do I.

I noted this remark:

I really hate conflict and arguing, and if the overwhelming opinion had been that I was overreacting, I probably would have tried to adjust my thinking and see it from his perspective instead. That approach has honestly helped me let things go in the past.

I wonder how many times in the past the OP has "adjusted her thinking" to "see it from his perspective" so that she can "let things go."

I bet he never has though.

So did you have that talk and, if so, what did he say?

i really hope the extra guests have been uninvited (but i suspect this might not have happened)

I am going to talk it through with him properly so that at least he understands why I’ve felt hurt and blindsided by it all. I think that’s important, even if nothing ultimately changes.

So did you have that talk @SleepySquirre1 and, if so, what did he say?

Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked

Even if you said you were no longer prepared to foot the bill?

Have the friends booked already? If not, get him to tell them there’s been a mistake. It’s a family only trip.

You’ve paid the deposit and if he wants friends along then you need to save your money for the once in a lifetime trip you had planned.

He can pay the rest for this holiday if he thinks he has the autonomy to alter it at will

If he can’t afford it then it’s going to have to be cancelled and he needs to pay the deposit back to you.

Maybe he can find an evening job to pay his debt.

I agree this is very possibly the case. BTW I think it is fine for married people to have opposite sex friends - but only if they very clearly prioritise their spouse and marriage, and the OP's 'D'H is not doing that.

This doesn't sound like a situation where he spontaneously invited them in good faith without thinking it through, in a fit of 'more the merrier'; it sounds calculated. Nobody agrees to participate in a holiday like this involving their family & costing tens of thousands without carefully thinking it through; your 'D'H and his bosom buddy must have had lengthy discussions about it that you weren't privy to, before he got around to telling you. Presenting it as a fait accompli to railroad you into accepting it despite evidently guessing that you would not be, and knowing you are not, happy.

It is really up to you whether you are willing to accept being so blatantly disrespected. I am really sorry though that you have been put in this position by your 'D'H.

I think something’s going on between your DP and his “friend”.

Meeting other people who are on the same holiday isn't comparable to inviting people you are already friends with on holidays. There is no expectation to have the same friendship relationship with people you have only just met on holiday. If I was the op i would would asking my DH on what on earth possessed him to extend this invitation. It is very disconcerting when you assume that you are on the same page as someone only to be blindsided by their actions. Nowadays, I spell out my expectations of holidays etc to my DH and he does the same, it might seem a bit strange to do that, but at least we have communicated what twe both want from the holiday and can accommodate/ compromise so that everyone gets to do more or less what they want. Totally agree that more isn't always merrier, it just gets way too complicated.

Couldn’t agree more. Sometimes you just need to take fucking charge. I would ring the friends and say ‘Sorry, you’ve got the wrong end of the stick, this is a family holiday. We’ll plan another one for friends.’

I just wouldn’t roll over.

I think she is. Fool.

So you're definitely allowing him to carry on with this then.

The real issue fot me is that he knew what you had intended but thought it would be more fun with more people. He didn't ask you because he knew you would say you would prefer it was just your family. He's counting on you having a good time on the trip so if it comes up again he can say "see isn't this is more fun for the kids?" or "I knew you would have a good time" to cover for his lack of concern for your opinion. In otherwords he can ask forgiveness rather than permission. Which kind of suggests a power dynamic issue. Particularly since your are covering the tab.

I get it. Just doing it without asking is easier than stating a preference. In his mind everyone wins. He will get both time with you and the kids and time his friends. He knows you don't like conflict and are an accommodating person who works on staying positive. It suck that his reasoning doesn't take into account how much experiencing this while focused on each other meant to you.

The other problem is you will 100% be herding children and doing all the preparations needed to get that many people to the same place at the same time. In Africa. Where a ton of people speak English people but where American's aren't popular right now and rates of poverty make it a place where a lot of care has to be take when traveling.

So he gets the trip of a lifetime and you get huge pile of stress and responsibility. NOR. He should have asked you.

.

Yeah I hate to say it, but this 😞

Are you the DH or his best friend?

You have made several posts effectively minimising what the DH has done and dismissing the OPs feelings on this.

The post you quoted is only saying what so many others fear to be true. Even if the relationship between DH and his BF is purely platonic, the OP is still justified in feeling gutted that he will ride roughshod over her feelings (Oh don't look like that) to get the holiday he wants.

Sadly the silence from @SleepySquirre1 suggests she has just caved to her husband's wishes on this to keep the peace.

Wow, what a horrible post. Imagine kicking someone like that.

OP clearly isn't coming back to admit the holiday is going ahead as her DH has planned, and she's the mug stuck doing extra hours for years to pay for it all.

I'm sure the DH will have a lovely time with his best mate with his DW paying his bar bill and looking after their kids. How very romantic.

I think the op knows deep down that if it came to a her or me - ie the best friend or his wife - then she knows full well who her husband would choose. You need to grow a backbone op and get some self respect! Your husband having an affair under your nose while you pretend it’s not happening won’t get any better!

Not being unreasonable at all. Vacations imo are the “more people the more stressful”

I never enjoyed large group vacations!

Did you have a chat with your dh @SleepySquirre1

Imagine working your arse off so you can fund a holiday for your husband to holiday with his female buddy? Fxxk me😂. Only on MN🙄

Totally agree with this.
I can’t imagine H having a female best friend - I hope I’m his best friend btw.
What’s really bad OP is that your H not only has a female best friend, he’s is putting her first too!!!

YANBU I would be raging mad about this. You thought it would be a once in a lifetime family holiday and he thought it would be a great opportunity to holiday with his 2 favourite women and all his kids 🥴 I can’t help thinking you’ve missed something here.

I feel so bad for you and completely understand how you feel. You were planning a beautiful holiday just for your family and that time together is sacred. Hes kind of trashed your dreams. I would be so hurt and angry.

Of course. I agree with that stance - the husband is out of order and I’ve said so upthread.

That was not the point I was responding in my post you’ve just quoted.

Why are you allowing him to treat you so badly? Are your wishes so insignificant to you and him that you allow him to do this to you? Why does this need to be a friendship ender? Tell him clearly to uninvite them or you will or change the booking to you, your kids and someone else (a responsible adult that can help with the kids) whose company you can enjoy.
sorry to say this but you and your kids aren’t “enough” for him.