AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

Don’t commit to anything OP. If he moves away it is his responsibility to deal with seeing her.

in your shoes I would split now. You need a village to support you and instead of focusing on building that, you are focused on this man child. DD will cope well as she won’t remember anything different and you can focus on building yourself a nice life.

If he is depressed that’s up to him to deal with. You can support him but he needs to take the steps.

I think the change at 5 months was that this is when it hit him that this is the reality of having a child and he decided it didn’t suit him. So he decided to opt but doesn’t want to be the bad guy who leaves his partner with a new baby. So he wants you to do the dumping.

Yet again I see the word ‘help’ mentioned. Every time I see this word, in the context of men and chores, it makes me want to scream!

The children and the household jobs are not a woman’s sole responsibility. Therefore there is no place for the word help in this context.

Every adult man should pull their weight in terms of childcare and chores.

OP go back to work full time and split childcare and chores 50/50.

He was gentle and loving perhaps, there is literally nothing loving about this man. You can’t help an adult who doesn’t want to be helped op, you can only leave him.

I think look at how his parents were. If his dad went to work, and mum saw her work as the home then that explains his approach to how he thinks life should be lived.

He doesn't seem to care about missing out on milestones, so why worry? Keep them all to yourself.

If you’re worried he’s missing out on milestones I would maybe phrase it that way to him.
My husband often works 50-60 hour weeks and is completely exhausted and often he’s not always as rational as he would be when he works shorter weeks. When I know he’s worked a long week I put (zero demands on him the same as he does for me when I’ve had a tough week). Maybe pick a time when he’s less tired say during an annual holiday and try and come up together with some minimum jobs for him to be responsible for.
I’d just be mindful that maybe some of his resistance to helping out is coming from a place of exhaustion which may be making him more irrational than normal. As you say you’re no longer working are there money worries?

Won’t he also need some sort of consent for “relocating” if he demands to see his daughter 400 miles away?

Cafcass are unlikely to recommend overnight stays at 9 months if he's never looked after her. Make sure you collect evidence of you being the main carer (health appointments etc). I suspect it'll be a weekend a month around age 2, and he'll dump her on her lovely grandparents. Don't not end the relationship because of that. Your daughter will be happier if her mum is happy.

I would so love to be able to make you a cup of tea and rock that baby. I am to quote my husband a curmudgeonly old crone but I feel the upset in your posts and how you so wanted it to work.

You are someone who had ‘ a good one ‘ but he changed, some women do have children with men that are awful to begin with yours wasn’t which is why it is so extra painful and why you haven’t already left. Plus it’s much harder with children.

I am all for protection and as you are in no actual danger, I would try and get a job first though easier said than done. You seem quite close to your Mum , when the time comes wojkd she let you stay with her for a few months?

If you’re working too then he’s being an absolute arse!
If you’re not working then I do have some sympathy with him! I’m not saying he should be doing nothing however he’s working nights in a 5 or 7 day stretch with only 1 day off that is going to be exceptionally tiring! You never sleep as well during the day and 1 day off is awful! My husband has 2 days off a week however they are not together and he never gets chance to rest properly.

Yeah, he thinks he's got you trapped now so he's showing his true colours.

This is what the "Well you should have just chosen better" crew fail to grasp.

My main concern is that it will be so much harder on my own, with working full time on top. His family are 400 miles away, he’d go back with them and still expect to see my daughter. He told me he would expect me to let her go there, at 9 months old, on her own.

He doesn't do childcare now, so is unlikely to be interested enough to drive over to collect her. He can't demand you'll bring her over if he decides to move away. You may prefer to get a child arrangements order and not to leave it to an informal agreement.

Check what you'll be entitled to from universal credit, child benefit, and his CMS payments (hopefully he's on PAYE?). You may not have to work full-time and can get paid childcare for the rest of it.

I think you should be cautious of your feelings around your career right now, hormones definitely affect the way you think. At 7 months i was thinking it was impossible to return to my job, dreading it, there was literally no way etc etc. By 9 months I'd flipped completely and was relieved for some adult company, child free time and mental stimulation. Now may DD is in primary school I'm looking at doing my MSc.

The time goes by very quickly, so be careful not to make any irreversible decision hastily.

40 hours is a basic weeks work. Every other human who works a basic full time role has to do housework and spend time with their children. So can he. What does he think single mums do?

Do not move under any circumstances.

This relationship is very probably going to end and I’m all for trying to save them. If your in seperate rooms already that’s a bad sign. He may just be horribly jealous of the baby, again awful but I think some men cannot stand not being the centre of their partners world, my brother has been divorced much to my Mothers utter horror. I am a lot yojnger than him and it was when a baby came along it was my Mother who said he was jealous. I was about 15 at the time and it went over my head then but she did have a valid point and I totally get it now.