AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

I'm going to ignore much of what you've said and focus on sleep. It's been agreed that you sleep in the nursery and you're on an air mattress with an autoimmune illness? If finances allow, get yourself a proper bed in there. As big as will reasonably fit. You're doing everything and need proper rest.

What is the housing situation? Can you move in with your parents? Your mother has heart issues so you really shouldn't be expecting any help from her, but if they can let you move in with them, it would get you out of that house.

Just suck it up love. Be grateful you are married to a manly man with firm boundaries.
Don't you realise that it is almost impossible to change a nappy or do any housework unless you have a vagina.

Having a full-time job is no excuse. Buck up. You're a woman, you can multi-task.

Alternatively, send him to the1950s. He'll fit in there.

I didn’t leave my exh with a tiny baby, my younger one was nearly two when I decided to call it a day, but then it took time to get out of living in the same house (which was a nightmare).

So I was very stupid and stayed long enough to have a second child, always thinking it would get better. (Edit - I obviously don’t regret my lovely younger child!!)

But I was just thinking this morning how much better it is to have all those stressful burdens re finances etc than to live with a lazy and also miserable man. Days out with him were always so stressful as you never knew which way his mood would turn. Special events -
you never knew if you could look forward to them or celebrate as his mood might tank and everything would be horrible.

So he was EA as well as lazy, but I think lazy is enough!!

No, but it’s usually worth pointing out that being a single parent is very different to how those with shitty husbands “feel” alongside a cry of LTB.

It’s a different burden, but personally I prefer it.

This!

And it’s so insulting - as though we choose shitty men on purpose!

My exh was the most fantastic involved uncle, as well as sharing chores 50:50 before kids.

Then we had a baby, the total amount that needed to be done increased many times over, and he decided he didn’t need to do any of it any more! It’s as though when you become A mother, they think you’ve become THEIR mother.

You’re not a single parent OP as this poster rightly points out, but I think you should make plans to become one.

For me, the list of things this poster rightly sets out are preferable to seeing a lazy lump sitting on their phone or going off for naps at the drop of a hat (my exh) whilst I exhausted myself.

Somehow he’s found the time and energy to have two more children though .🙄

Babies and shift work are a difficult combo.

If he suggested having a baby, maybe he was thinking “I’m working 70 hour weeks and so is the wife; I’m exhausted, the housework is the last straw - this is mad. She can have a baby and relax, I can work my shifts without having a mountain of chores to come back by to. We will be happy!”

And it hasn’t panned out that way?

If he’s prepared to end his marriage and move 400 miles away , why doesn’t he look for a day-shift job for now? If you both worked daytime, even if for less money, you’d get UC and funding for a daytime nursery .

Sadly unless he proactively wants to change himself then there isn't much anyone can do. It's however not fair for you and your DC to continue living like this and also bringing you down with him.

It's sad that he has totally changed from being able to share the load to now nothing. This means he is capable but something is going on for him. Could he be cheating? He sounds depressed and needs to seek mental health support.

This. Don’t mention staying in a hotel near his parents again, because you may not want to spend your money on that once you are funding your baby and life on your own. If you have money for a hotel that’s a holiday for you and baby. His money should facilitate his parenting.

Don’t commit to anything OP. If he moves away it is his responsibility to deal with seeing her.

in your shoes I would split now. You need a village to support you and instead of focusing on building that, you are focused on this man child. DD will cope well as she won’t remember anything different and you can focus on building yourself a nice life.

If he is depressed that’s up to him to deal with. You can support him but he needs to take the steps.

I think the change at 5 months was that this is when it hit him that this is the reality of having a child and he decided it didn’t suit him. So he decided to opt but doesn’t want to be the bad guy who leaves his partner with a new baby. So he wants you to do the dumping.

I think look at how his parents were. If his dad went to work, and mum saw her work as the home then that explains his approach to how he thinks life should be lived.

If you’re worried he’s missing out on milestones I would maybe phrase it that way to him.
My husband often works 50-60 hour weeks and is completely exhausted and often he’s not always as rational as he would be when he works shorter weeks. When I know he’s worked a long week I put (zero demands on him the same as he does for me when I’ve had a tough week). Maybe pick a time when he’s less tired say during an annual holiday and try and come up together with some minimum jobs for him to be responsible for.
I’d just be mindful that maybe some of his resistance to helping out is coming from a place of exhaustion which may be making him more irrational than normal. As you say you’re no longer working are there money worries?