AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

His life hasn’t changed since the baby was born has it?
It has.
He has gone from living with a spouse to living with a mother.
He has gone from a two income household to a single income one.
He probably thinks maternity leave is watching telly eating biscuits all day while the baby sleeps while Mr Manly slaves away at work to provide.
There's probably resentment there too.

@OnlyHasEyesForLoki

Did he do his fair share around the house before you had a baby?
if not, then why did you expect it to change when you had a baby with him?

I'm just about done with having sympathy with people that choose these men. You chose this person to be your baby's dad!! The only dad they'll have and they're shit. Winds me up.

Sorry - he's sitting on his arse watching you make his dinner for him so he can take it to work? but baby is in the highchair at this point as he still can't be arsed to actually play with his daughter? 🙄🙄 what a prince. He can make his own effing food. just cook for yourself later or, better still, batch cook stuff and freeze it.

I know you’re not addressing me but I had to take him to court. Whilst still living with him. To get my share of the equity out of the house and leave.

It was an absolute nightmare but absolutely worth it.

“The divorce (or split up if not married) came out of nowhere!”

His life hasn’t changed since the baby was born has it? And it won’t.

Make plans to leave or make him leave and get support elsewhere. If he has child contact at least you’ll get a break then and he’ll have to step up won’t he?!

I'd be RAGING if my DH had said that to me when my DC were babies 🤬 make a list of everything you do all day whist you're home with your DD. What time you get up etc. Childcare is exhausting and undervalued and unpaid labour. It IS a valuable job and society at large is quite happy to think SAHP are dossing around all day. I bet you're on the go all day - it's a 24/7 job after all - I imagine you don't get a proper lunchbreak/time to relax for 30 minutes without running around after your DD. Your DH is being a complete knob tbh.

I’m sorry to jump on this, but how do you manage to eventually leave him?? It’s such a daunting thought when it comes to breaking up the family and also the financial side of things.
I’m so glad you’re happier now. How did your DCs take it?

This sounds incredibly similar to my DP minus the PlayStation and I work 3 days a week myself. He also has the cheek to say I don’t do enough 😅 but I have a whole other thread going at the moment as I’m considering leaving him.

Im sorry you’re going through this. We have two children and it’s only gotten worse to be honest. He is a fantastic provider and earns great money, but doesn’t do much else at all. He would like to think he does though.

It breaks you down eventually.

I have three children, work full time and sort all childcare. The peace I feel knowing that I left my baby man ex husband who was exactly like this is worth it five fold.

He can't force you to leave and move. Especially not if you find a job first and get her enrolled at a nursery. Then it would be him leaving and that would be on him. So he could never claim 50/50 because that wouldn't work for him living far away.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing
I understood that but I was responding to OP being worried about doing everything. She already is, and she needs to realise that so it's no longer a fear.

As to finances she needs to look on entitled to to see if she'll get any help, along with single person council tax reduction and claiming CMS. Although he might end up being a total waster with no job just because he can (and it gives him more PS time).

What is the point of him? Leave and your life will.actually get easier as you won't have to pick up after him or listen to his selfish attitude all day.

She’s responding to some posts about the reality of being a single parent - someone posted it and I commented on that.

I 100% think she should LTB and that life will be better as a single parent, but it is always worth having open eyes as to the fact you of course have all the financial worries on top
when you are a SP.

Unfortunately, you are where you are and he is the person he is. I'd definitely start making a plan to leave. It's not the future you imagined, but better than staying with someone so awful.

I'm confused OP, I thought you were already doing everything? In which case the only thing that will happen is you will lose the anger and resentment if he leaves.

Remind me again of what he brings to the relationship?

My father was exactly the same as this bloke-he went to work while my mother stayed at home with 4 (!) of us (last two where twins)

He refused to do housework/childcare as 'its not my job'

Granted he did do 12 hour shift work and paid for everything but my mother was burnt out and resentful

She should have carried on with her career (I guess that wasnt as easy in the 80's but if id been born today she would have gone back full time) and have him do half and half (he would have done if forced)

She did get work hours around us when we got to school age but he still refused to pick up any slack

This isnt the 80's (nor the 50's)

He needs to pull his weight or split up

I remember my ex trying to pull the same stunt when dc where much younger so I finished it-he wailed that he didnt see it coming but he did

I was resentful that he got to piss off and swan about with no responsibility but it was so much easier that doing it all while he slumped,slack jawed on the sofa

It brought a peace with it

OP, I wouldn't do any premature decisions now, because it seems to me you are in a state and devoid of sleep.
If possible, get rid of the dog - less work for you and fighting over it would end.
Then plan your return to work when the baby turns 1. Start looking for a childminder right now. Give it 6 months since you start your work and see if things change.
Some men don't really have it in them to have a connection with the baby until that baby becomes a toddler (or even later). But they are fantastic fathers later on. But it's up to you if you want to wait and see if that materialises. Taking revenge by leaving can make you feel good initially, but being a single parent is not easy (as evidenced on this forum a lot).

@Kriszoee the worst part of having no help, is seeing the person or people that could help but don’t.

The resentment of him won’t go, ever, unless you do 1 of 2 things, either:

• leave him with the baby from 11am until he gets ready for work, for him to see what looking after a baby actually entails or
• leave him

You mentioned having an issue with the baby going 400 miles away. This is highly unlikely to actually happen, no matter how many times he tells you this, because he can’t be arsed with the baby now, who is only mere metres away.

Try the first if you want, but do the second if the first doesn’t change anything.

Housework is also just sitting on your arse doing nothing if you have a vagina.
Dishwasher and washing machine emptying is extremely difficult unless you are female.

I will say one thing @Kriszoee , he does work nights, and that does have different effects on the body.
His days area bit skewed because he has the night, morning, day and evening pattern - his night (sleeping) is your morning, then he has his evening but it's in your afternoon, then in your evening, he goes to work.

A regular hours job for him might be part of the answer but I suspect his behaviour and attitude won't change then.

I would be sleeping in the main bedroom and with his shitty attitude I wouldn’t care if I disturbed his precious sleep. No way would I be sleeping on a blow up mattress to help him out when he has pretty much totally checked out of fatherhood.

Ah he has tall man syndrome too - and equally annoying counterpart to short man syndrome.

It’s where they think they deserve prizes for being tall - with those prizes including the best of everything, the most comfortable things, the thing everyone would want, and of course all the available space in scenarios like transport where space is often limited.

The most comfortable bed (regardless of bed length, as the floor is much longer than any bed), the plum seats such as aisle seats with easy access (plus a bit of your space of course) the front seat of the car (even though seats move forward and back) - anything that inherently nicer for anyone really.

Not all tall men have it (just like not all short men are insecure and angry) but it sounds like yours does.

What I’ve learned since I left him - both on here and in real life - is that there are a lot of them about!

“you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
Looking after a young child is just sitting on your arse doing nothing if you have a vagina.
If you don't have a vagina it's a heroic act of physical and mental endurance and deserves recognition.

Well, there you go. He's far too tall to do any baby care, and the only housework he can do is dusting the ceiling, door tops and curtain rails. See, he has got some uses. He's probably quite handy at getting things off the top shelf in the supermarket but there's not much need for that if you have home delivery.

My ex was 6'5" and even managed to fuck up changing a light bulb.