Page 3 | AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

Kriszoee · 2026-05-06T06:13:56+00:00

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ). I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything. My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “. Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything. Ultimately, I feel like the default parent. I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is. I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship. I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”. I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning. How fair do you think this is and what can I do

Pessismistic · 08/05/2026 12:09

Hi op this behaviour is not depression it’s vile he doesn’t give a shit about you or his dd he’s controlling and mentally abusing you. I really hope you go through with contacting women’s aid he is a twat nothing can change him he might have been acting in his previous years with you but it’s the real him now he’s got you trapped. Forget about a job for now you should be entitled to benefits adding a job search right now will overwhelm you you need to grieve this relationship get family support and counselling work can wait. Get him out change the locks contact landlord he’s abusing you and you need him off the tenancy agreement urgently. Please do not take any more abuse from this twat he’s the cunt and rat he doesn’t deserve you or his dd let him move away the further the better your dd must have been terrified when he was screaming at you get out now before he treats her this way. No amount of love is worth this shit.

BleedinglyObvious · 08/05/2026 11:54

Get someone to be there with you. There's a strong possibility he might be violent.

Original poster

Kriszoee · 08/05/2026 11:44

BleedinglyObvious · 08/05/2026 11:42

It's abuse @Kriszoee . Women's Aid Directory - Women’s Aid

My mum recommended contacting women’s aid. I am going to do this today and pack his shit up and leave it on the doorstep.

I am worried as I am going to have to miss some of my bills until I get a job, but with my experiences, it shouldn’t take long. I have an auto immune disease and don’t want to go back to work until I felt better but I’m going to have to.

OP posts:

BleedinglyObvious · 08/05/2026 11:42

It's abuse @Kriszoee . Women's Aid Directory - Women’s Aid

Original poster

Kriszoee · 08/05/2026 11:34

Well this morning he woke up and he has started again. I booked soft play and asked if we can go for a coffee after it. He flew off the handles and said no. Says I constantly want “ more more more more “. I don’t give a shit how he feels or what he wants, apparently. He doesn’t want a coffee, so we arent going. He wants to take her to soft play for an hour and then come straight home. I asked if we can go to Superdrug on the way to the soft play, and he said no as I don’t need to get ready to go out. I haven’t done my hair or make up in WEEKS. He told me if I want to go I can go myself.

i asked him to hang up the washing which he did, but I asked him to please button her sleepsuits as it’s easier for me to fold. He refused so I started to do it myself and he threw all of the washing in the floor and knocked over the airer.

I have been screamed at. Called a cunt, a tosser, a rat and a rodent. He has reduced me to tears and then laughed at me & walked out of my house. The he came back in and kept shouting at me. In front of my daughter. My neighbours hear him shouting.

I want him gone. I feel physically sick. He is making me hate my life and despise myself as a person. Now I’m having 5 minutes to myself because I am so upset and he texts me “ get downstairs. “ I asked why and he said “ because I fucking told you to “, and my daughter is screaming and crying.. she doesn’t even like her own dad.

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everynamewastaken · 08/05/2026 10:04

This sounds awful - unless you have a good reason it sounds like you'd be better (or no worse at least) off without him.

He needs a reality check that: your 'full time job' is looking after the baby whilst he is working. Any hours spent at home together are completely split. Can you tell him you will start looking for a job and childcare so you can have a break? Because honestly, both myself and my partner work full time and that's what work is really! Before / After work we both split everything equally until our LO is asleep and in bed.. that's when we relax.

Original poster

Kriszoee · 08/05/2026 07:38

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 08/05/2026 07:17

@Kriszoee

I’ve read all your updates.

Oh goodness!

Lots of other helpful replies already.

I’m an psychological therapist and agree he may be depressed, given the sudden change when she was 5months old, however, with the amount of resentment and other abusive behaviours, I’m concerned this is also him coming out. Plenty of loving dad’s become depressed and don’t become an abusive twat treating you like their slave! Doesn’t even change a nappy. Now he’s trying to disengage even further, do even less.

What sort of social media is he exposed to? Is he getting ideas into his head by colleagues? Toxic masculinity is very much alive and kicking in the mechanical industry unfortunately. And he has no friends either?

I’m sorry to say, I think this is past the point of rescue.

I’d really suggest you try addressing your OCD, with some ERP, Exposure Response Prevention, and basically learn to tolerate not doing his laundry, it’ll be hard, but ultimately liberating and enable you to assert that boundary with him. (He doesn’t even put it in the laundry bin… 🙄)

Can you sleep with daughter in the 3rd bedroom? So you have more space and a proper bed?

Focus on looking after yourself, your DD and keeping your support around you. If he chooses to move 400 miles away (to be looked after by his mum), that’s on him.

Good luck!

Edited

Oh wow, thank you so much for taking the time to give some valuable points. I really appreciate it.

I definitely do believe he is depressed. He shows a lot of depressive behaviours such as not wanting to do anything, not engaging, wanting to sleep all of the time and completely withdrawn. I don’t know where his argumentative side has come from as this is so unlike him. A couple of people in my family have had depression for years and behave nothing like he does.

He doesn’t use social media, we binned that off a long time ago. He absolutely could be learning these traits from his colleagues. They’re all middle aged men. I told him that parents ( specifically dads ) work and still make time for their children and partners. He said none of his colleagues do anything with their children on their work day, which I struggle to believe. I feel he may be copying their behaviour as he feels it’s normal.

I have recently been prescribed medication for my OCD. It’ll be a long path but it’s something I need to work on.

Unfortunately the 3rd bedroom is even smaller than my daughter’s room, and doesn’t have a window. It technically IS a bedroom, but it is being used as a walk in wardrobe.

I have been advised by a family member to just let him do his own thing and go about my day as if he isn’t here, still talk to him etc but not rely on him to do things or go places.. ahe has said she will do things with my daughter and I such as taking her to soft play, the beach, parks etc.. these are all things he wants me to do alone or on his one day off if he wants to, as he’s “ tired “. I currently do, but it is isolating and mindnumbingly boring to always be alone.

i asked him to visit couples counselling with me, or therapy for himself - but he finds shame in it and refused. He said if we have to go to couples counselling then the relationship is over anyway. He never sees the good or benefit in anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kriszoee · 08/05/2026 07:32

Ifallelsefails · 08/05/2026 02:25

I read the thread earlier and I've just come back so apologies if I miss anything. I recognise a lot of what you describe and what you're feeling. I did the same as you, with a young baby, felt sorry for him, wondered why he'd changed and worked harder to compensate but he showed very little interest in DD and treated me with contempt/indifference like he'd checked out.

It's not a nice place to be and it's scary. You have a lot going on and you need all the help and support you can get. You need to look after yourself to be able to look after DD. Go & see your GP, share what's going on in confidence and whatever help they offer take it. He's an adult, he won't take his medication & he's not helping anyone least of all you

Whatever the outcome further down the line isn't all on you & you don't have to make any big decisions right now. I certainly wouldn't move 400 miles away under these circumstances.

How long is it since he moved from home?

I’m really sorry that you have experienced something so similar. It’s mental exhausting and so hard.

I think I may go to a “ listening service “ and just explain everything in the same way I have done here. It’ll probably be beneficial as this thread has really helped me and I’m very glad that I posted here. I’ve received such brilliant advice.

I definitely won’t be. It isn’t the right move at all and will only make things worse.

It has been several years since he moved from home. Prior to that, we lived in England around 30 minutes away from his parents, but this was well over 3 years ago.

OP posts:

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 08/05/2026 07:17

@Kriszoee

I’ve read all your updates.

Oh goodness!

Lots of other helpful replies already.

I’m an psychological therapist and agree he may be depressed, given the sudden change when she was 5months old, however, with the amount of resentment and other abusive behaviours, I’m concerned this is also him coming out. Plenty of loving dad’s become depressed and don’t become an abusive twat treating you like their slave! Doesn’t even change a nappy. Now he’s trying to disengage even further, do even less.

What sort of social media is he exposed to? Is he getting ideas into his head by colleagues? Toxic masculinity is very much alive and kicking in the mechanical industry unfortunately. And he has no friends either?

I’m sorry to say, I think this is past the point of rescue.

I’d really suggest you try addressing your OCD, with some ERP, Exposure Response Prevention, and basically learn to tolerate not doing his laundry, it’ll be hard, but ultimately liberating and enable you to assert that boundary with him. (He doesn’t even put it in the laundry bin… 🙄)

Can you sleep with daughter in the 3rd bedroom? So you have more space and a proper bed?

Focus on looking after yourself, your DD and keeping your support around you. If he chooses to move 400 miles away (to be looked after by his mum), that’s on him.

Good luck!

Ifallelsefails · 08/05/2026 02:25

I read the thread earlier and I've just come back so apologies if I miss anything. I recognise a lot of what you describe and what you're feeling. I did the same as you, with a young baby, felt sorry for him, wondered why he'd changed and worked harder to compensate but he showed very little interest in DD and treated me with contempt/indifference like he'd checked out.

It's not a nice place to be and it's scary. You have a lot going on and you need all the help and support you can get. You need to look after yourself to be able to look after DD. Go & see your GP, share what's going on in confidence and whatever help they offer take it. He's an adult, he won't take his medication & he's not helping anyone least of all you

Whatever the outcome further down the line isn't all on you & you don't have to make any big decisions right now. I certainly wouldn't move 400 miles away under these circumstances.

How long is it since he moved from home?

ThatLemonBee · 07/05/2026 22:52

If he can’t see it now he never will . Get ready to leave him , he is a terrible husband and a terrible father . You and your child deserve better

Mumtryingtolivethedream · 07/05/2026 21:46

Really feel for you. Glad you've had chance to vent on here sounds like the more you write the more youre realising what you want. It sounds almost like hes suffering a male version of postnatal depression. Hope you can get something resolved

Original poster

Kriszoee · 07/05/2026 21:36

cantthinkofagoodusername1 · 07/05/2026 21:31

Sadly many of them wait until the woman is trapped before they show their true colours. OP’s earlier posts indicate that he did his fair share before the baby came along.

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Thanks lovely🩷 I don’t have the energy to repeat myself again🤣

OP posts:

cantthinkofagoodusername1 · 07/05/2026 21:31

desperatemum1234 · 07/05/2026 20:40

Why are you with this knobhead in the first place? Were there no signs of what a knobhead he is before you had a child?

Sadly many of them wait until the woman is trapped before they show their true colours. OP’s earlier posts indicate that he did his fair share before the baby came along.

Original poster

Kriszoee · 07/05/2026 21:26

desperatemum1234 · 07/05/2026 20:40

Why are you with this knobhead in the first place? Were there no signs of what a knobhead he is before you had a child?

I’d suggest reading before assuming that I was “ with a knobhead “.

OP posts:

Pessismistic · 07/05/2026 21:08

Kriszoee · 07/05/2026 20:31

i know. his excuse for everything is “ I work “. So do most parents. I understand he is doing very brutal shifts but it’s not an excuse. He makes me feel like shit every day. Makes out that looking after my daughter is a walk in the park and that I’m so slow at everything, he’d do everything 10x quicker and 10x better. I really don’t think he understands at all. But for some ludicrous reason, I can’t imagine my life without him in it.

he’s told me to go and get a full time job and he’ll leave his and stay home. I think that’s his laziness talking. He makes me believe I live in fantasy land and everything I think is wrong, He told me id last a week. I think it’ll be him that lasts a week, does he forget that I used to do 70+ hours a week??????

luckily I’ve just been in the bath for an hour, thanks to my pensioner grandma who has sat with my daughter.

Edited

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Ok if your not going to leave him why not create some interviews over the next couple of weeks recruitment agencies in the time when baby is very much awake and needing feeding take yourself of for a coffee or a mooch around the shops so he can see how easy it is. Ps forget him not taking care of her he needs to step up so teach him a very valuable lesson otherwise he’s just going treat you badly forever he won’t care if you work he will say your only part time it’s either put up or get rid he won’t change.

Dancingintherain09 · 07/05/2026 20:53

On the upside OP if he moved back you say he could go back to what he did before e earning 4k a month. That would mean significant CMS payment to support your daughter especially as him being so far away would mean low contact/overnights

desperatemum1234 · 07/05/2026 20:40

Why are you with this knobhead in the first place? Were there no signs of what a knobhead he is before you had a child?

Original poster

Kriszoee · 07/05/2026 20:35

Dancingintherain09 · 07/05/2026 20:29

This was my thinking, if he can't help you. Then he can sort his own laundry and food.

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I’m not doing his food anymore, he can sort himself.. he’ll buy a meal deal daily, guaranteed. The laundry I can’t leave. I have OCD due to living amongst my grandads filth for half of a year when I relocated years ago for my career. It would stress me out so much leaving washing piled up, as I know he wouldn’t do it until he had 0 clothes left. He literally leaves his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor for me
to pick up…

OP posts:

Original poster

Kriszoee · 07/05/2026 20:31

Pessismistic · 07/05/2026 20:12

Op he is abusive not allowing you to have a shower shows so much disrespect to you, he is selfish man child seriously let him go home to his parents he doesn’t want to be a dad so give him his get out clause reminding him he can’t see her until he’s grown up he is treating you like shit on his shoes he doesn’t get to dictate what you can or can’t do he is a useless cunt who needs kicking out your worth more than this he basically thought you give birth you do everything and he does fuck all because he works does he realise how many other parents work imagine if all parents had his shitty attitude he thinks your beneath him.

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i know. his excuse for everything is “ I work “. So do most parents. I understand he is doing very brutal shifts but it’s not an excuse. He makes me feel like shit every day. Makes out that looking after my daughter is a walk in the park and that I’m so slow at everything, he’d do everything 10x quicker and 10x better. I really don’t think he understands at all. But for some ludicrous reason, I can’t imagine my life without him in it.

he’s told me to go and get a full time job and he’ll leave his and stay home. I think that’s his laziness talking. He makes me believe I live in fantasy land and everything I think is wrong, He told me id last a week. I think it’ll be him that lasts a week, does he forget that I used to do 70+ hours a week??????

luckily I’ve just been in the bath for an hour, thanks to my pensioner grandma who has sat with my daughter.

OP posts:

Dancingintherain09 · 07/05/2026 20:29

ExitPursuedByABare · 06/05/2026 08:20

I’d stop doing his washing or his cooking. Can you move into a separate bedroom and leave him to stew in his own juices?

This was my thinking, if he can't help you. Then he can sort his own laundry and food.

Pessismistic · 07/05/2026 20:12

Kriszoee · 07/05/2026 11:40

I am so embarrassed to admit this but I haven’t had a shower in over a week. I asked him to please take her for 10 minutes so I can shower, he kicked off and said no.

I’ll have a shower tonight whilst my pensioner grandma looks after my daughter.

Op he is abusive not allowing you to have a shower shows so much disrespect to you, he is selfish man child seriously let him go home to his parents he doesn’t want to be a dad so give him his get out clause reminding him he can’t see her until he’s grown up he is treating you like shit on his shoes he doesn’t get to dictate what you can or can’t do he is a useless cunt who needs kicking out your worth more than this he basically thought you give birth you do everything and he does fuck all because he works does he realise how many other parents work imagine if all parents had his shitty attitude he thinks your beneath him.

Original poster

Kriszoee · 07/05/2026 20:03

MaddestGranny · 07/05/2026 19:52

do you think he's found someone else? Or is it just that he is having a serious problem with becoming a proper grown-up & family man?
Some men find dealing with the actuality of fatherhood/ of their wife/DP becoming a mother, with all that entails, extremely challenging and they start to hanker after a previous time when they weren't faced with such ties and responsibilities. Is this him?

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Definitely not. He is very open with his phone and does nothing other than go to work( which is full of middle aged men! )

I think this could be him. He often grumbles over the fact we can no longer do things just the pair of us. I asked him straight earlier if he doesn’t like being a parent, he told me that was a stupid question as he hasn’t got a choice and refused to answer. I don’t think he fully realised how this would be.

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Summerhut2025 · 07/05/2026 20:00

My husband changed when we had a child, he didn’t have the best upbringing and I know now he got depression when we had her. Therapist mentioned he saw my love for someone else and then sub consciously couldn’t deal with it. He was little support, I fell out of love and left him.

he could be feeling spiteful that he thinks you don’t get to work when he has too, which isn’t okay. I would suggest for one day you stay there with him obviously so he isn’t on his own with her and to show him what you do all day ask him to do everything you do. Say to him i want you to see how much I do, he will then be happy going to work!
obviously he might just be a selfish twat and men can change when you have a kid with them and show their true colours, sometimes they just aren’t strong enough to deal with it.
also if they aren’t getting sex that’s generally an issue, I mean who wants to when you have a baby that young I get it, but making the effort even twice a month as it is a physical thing for them as well as emotional might help with whatever is going on in his head and turning him into a total twat. He then might be a bit more amenable to supporting you more (obvs if you can bring yourself to touch him!) Would he go to therapy? Sounds like he hasn’t bonded with your daughter as there is some resentment there, possibly due to seeing you love someone else.
if he won’t listen and take on your points of view you sound like you would be okay without him financially though, there is only so much you can do with the dickheads I’m afraid and once you fall out of love those feelings ain’t ever coming back.

MaddestGranny · 07/05/2026 19:52

Kriszoee · 06/05/2026 09:14

This is what I’m trying to figure out. I really don’t know what has changed and I worry he is suffering from depression. The shift has been drastic, and in such a short period of time.

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do you think he's found someone else? Or is it just that he is having a serious problem with becoming a proper grown-up & family man?
Some men find dealing with the actuality of fatherhood/ of their wife/DP becoming a mother, with all that entails, extremely challenging and they start to hanker after a previous time when they weren't faced with such ties and responsibilities. Is this him?