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Original poster

Should ex be prioritising his birthday over childcare?

35 replies

EezehMummy · 05/05/2026 18:53

Ex has a birthday in Oct half term. He ALWAYS books it off, plus another day to make a long weekend or just have two weekdays off for it. We are struggling for holidays this summer to cover childcare for our youngest.

He won’t sacrifice his 2-day birthday hols for 2 days in the summer hols to look after her. The Oct hols I get off work automatically (education role) but I have to work some weeks in Aug — everyone at work does, I am not choosing this.

AIBU for telling him to book the days in summer and work his birthday instead? I don’t see the big deal, he is not having a milestone birthday and has not booked a break away or anything.

Or should he carry on having his birthday off work and leave me to sort of and pay for the childcare?

If he does I’ll have to pay for holiday clubs which our youngest HATES and I can guarantee ex will not contribute any more than his basic maintenance.

OP posts:
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ScaryM0nster · 06/05/2026 08:28

As a different angle - if they’d usually be with him two nights a week and that’s during the week then most logical extensions would say that that continues and the time that they’d usually be at school between those nights is for him to sort.

Equally - two days of holiday club over the summer is not an unreasonable imposition on a child.

Dozer · 06/05/2026 07:46

How many weeks of school holidays you’d like him to do depends on the DCs’ needs and wishes and your money situation.

You could do as the PP with experience of this did and say that DC or all the DC are available for pre arranged time with him for up to 1 or 2 additional weeks of the summer holiday.

If he declines and you think he’s unlikely to pay towards childcare, your options are limited.

In a couple of years your 10 year old should be fine to be home alone, especially with sibling(s). So if you can afford it childcare could be your best bet for now.

Zanatdy · 06/05/2026 07:28

I do find it a bit childish too to refuse to ever work or even look after your child on your bday. Usually when you become a parent, your needs drop down. Unless you’re a part time father it seems.

Zanatdy · 06/05/2026 07:12

He is completely out of order and it sounds like you cover all the school hols usually so what’s he using his 5 or so weeks leave on?

Pickapocket · 06/05/2026 07:10

TreesinthePark · 06/05/2026 07:06

I worked my 17th birthday in my first ever job and swore never to do it again. And I never have or will!
I'm not a diva and don't expect anything from family/friends for my birthday. But it's special enough to me that I absolutely refuse to deal with emails/meetings and no cooking either, has to be takeaway or meal out.

In this case, sounds like an overall lack of holiday support and flexibility which is rightly causing OP to begrudge ex's birthday stance.

Show quote history

How old are you now and are you child-free?

TreesinthePark · 06/05/2026 07:06

Pickapocket · 05/05/2026 22:55

It’s fine to take a birthday off but to have a mindset that they can’t and won’t work their birthday ever, is just childish. A birthday is just another day. Nice to celebrate but it really doesn’t need to be held in such high regards on the yearly calendar.

Children do this. They count down till they get presents and party etc..

Show quote history

I worked my 17th birthday in my first ever job and swore never to do it again. And I never have or will!
I'm not a diva and don't expect anything from family/friends for my birthday. But it's special enough to me that I absolutely refuse to deal with emails/meetings and no cooking either, has to be takeaway or meal out.

In this case, sounds like an overall lack of holiday support and flexibility which is rightly causing OP to begrudge ex's birthday stance.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2026 23:59

I think you need your arrangements, especially for the holidays, set out more clearly than they are.

So a clear and much fairer split of the summer holidays in particular.

My exh only has the youngest EO weekend, and the eldest goes a slightly more changeable amount as she’s 17 but it’s a bit more at the moment.

It’s always been a 50:50 split of the holidays - although obviously the 17 yo doesn’t have to any time except when she chooses. She mostly does though.

Cornishclio · 05/05/2026 23:21

Sounds like you doing 5 weeks and him just 1 week in the summer is an unfair split. Is he saying he does not have any other leave than 1 week in the summer and 2 days round his birthday? Is he in UK?

Pickapocket · 05/05/2026 22:55

IsitaHatOrACat · 05/05/2026 21:42

Ops ex is clearly an arsehole.

However, taking a birthday off work is childish? Why?

Show quote history

It’s fine to take a birthday off but to have a mindset that they can’t and won’t work their birthday ever, is just childish. A birthday is just another day. Nice to celebrate but it really doesn’t need to be held in such high regards on the yearly calendar.

Children do this. They count down till they get presents and party etc..

DDivaStar · 05/05/2026 22:15

I don't think its about his birthday. If he covered a reasonable amount of childcare in the holidays in general 1 or 2 days in October wouldn't be an issue.

IsitaHatOrACat · 05/05/2026 21:42

Pickapocket · 05/05/2026 19:28

@EezehMummy this doesn’t help you, but why do some grown-ups make such a fuss of their birthdays? I honestly don’t get it. A colleague of mine is 56 and has never ever worked his birthday and never will. It’s soooo childish! I thought it was because he is chid-free, possibly still selfish and nothing more important to put his vanity into perspective, but obviously not.

Your Ex sounds like a numpty.

Ops ex is clearly an arsehole.

However, taking a birthday off work is childish? Why?

Original poster
EezehMummy · 05/05/2026 21:41

SwanRivers · 05/05/2026 19:14

So you're off for the week anyway in October?

Yes, I need zero childcare in Oct! But he’s still wanting to book the days then and will probably take the kids out for the day tbf. But we will struggle in the summer for that. :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
EezehMummy · 05/05/2026 21:38

Tillow4ever · 05/05/2026 19:08

YABU to tell him.

YANBU to ask him to consider it or split the childcare costs with you.

what does your childcare arrangement say about school holidays?

I know, I’m bossy! That’s why we divorced haha. He just doesn’t do what I tell him 😛

And we have always had a very fluid childcare plan. He used to do one night a week plus one evening only until he got his own house recently, now he does 2 or 3 nights a week (not including school run). So it’s about a third of the week. I am a bit confused about the hols though! If we do a 70/30 split normally, should we be doing this on the days they are not in school?!

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Original poster
EezehMummy · 05/05/2026 21:29

Minnie798 · 05/05/2026 20:38

Who does the other 7 weeks of school hols- Christmas/ Easter / half terms.
If he literally only does one week out of the entire 13 weeks and takes the rest of his annual leave ( at least 4 weeks?) when he feels like it then Yanbu. But then surely he could just move any two of his other annual leave days to do the August days. It doesn't have to be the ones he is taking for his birthday.

He would probably do 1 night extra in the Oct hols, over 2 days. So pick up mid morning one day, bring them home the teatime after. But I can manage this Oct half term alone. He’s not for budging though. I just told him he needs to put his kids before his own birthday. I know this sounds bossy but you have to be extremely direct with this guy or he “misunderstands” stuff and doesn’t get how important it is. I honestly don’t think that’s a big ask because I always do that on my birthday: I usually am working but then we go somewhere that the kids and I like for tea and open presents in the evening. Isn’t that what being a parent is about?!

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Original poster
EezehMummy · 05/05/2026 21:20

Nomdeplumeforthis1 · 05/05/2026 21:14

I very nearly posted a massive rant about a similar situation with my ex however I realised that I can’t control him. I’m trying the ‘let them’ theory but massive solidarity.

Thank you! I love this site for being my rant outlet 😝 I did sort of tell myself when we split that I just had to accept he was a part-time dad and they were better off with me anyway. The kids aren’t particularly keen on going. He’s not a bad guy, just quite emotionally unavailable and has no empathy! We are really amicable but he definitely has a black and white view of his role in their lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
EezehMummy · 05/05/2026 21:19

Thank you! I love this site for being my rant outlet 😝 I did sort of tell myself when we split that I just had to accept he was a part-time dad and they were better off with me anyway. The kids aren’t particularly keen on going. He’s not a bad guy, just quite emotionally unavailable and has no empathy! We are really amicable but he definitely has a black and white view of his role in their lives.

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Original poster
EezehMummy · 05/05/2026 21:15

cadburyegg · 05/05/2026 20:41

I have just been through counselling on how to deal with my exh and this is what I have learnt. You cannot make him have the children when he says he is unavailable. As you don’t have a court order, and you are the primary parent, you CAN specify / give options when they are available for contact, within reason as long as you are not blocking contact, if it is reasonable / in the best interests of the children and yourself to do so.

It’s a common theme tbh. He says he wants to see them more, but won’t book
leave to care for them when I really need him. I think his new gf may have plans for him but he hasn’t shared anything about hols booked or anything like that. He is very secretive though. I am an open book. He has done a schedule and put all my breaks away on it, but none of his.

OP posts:
Nomdeplumeforthis1 · 05/05/2026 21:14

I very nearly posted a massive rant about a similar situation with my ex however I realised that I can’t control him. I’m trying the ‘let them’ theory but massive solidarity.

Original poster
EezehMummy · 05/05/2026 21:12

I dunno, if I saw my kids 2 nights a week and only offered to do 5 extra over summer, I think I’d probably sacrifice my birthday leave. But that’s just me!

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cadburyegg · 05/05/2026 20:41

I have just been through counselling on how to deal with my exh and this is what I have learnt. You cannot make him have the children when he says he is unavailable. As you don’t have a court order, and you are the primary parent, you CAN specify / give options when they are available for contact, within reason as long as you are not blocking contact, if it is reasonable / in the best interests of the children and yourself to do so.

Minnie798 · 05/05/2026 20:38

Who does the other 7 weeks of school hols- Christmas/ Easter / half terms.
If he literally only does one week out of the entire 13 weeks and takes the rest of his annual leave ( at least 4 weeks?) when he feels like it then Yanbu. But then surely he could just move any two of his other annual leave days to do the August days. It doesn't have to be the ones he is taking for his birthday.

Original poster
EezehMummy · 05/05/2026 20:31

Thanks. He does 2 nights a week normally (which I work out as almost 30% of the week). So should we be splitting the holiday weekdays 70/30 like we do the regular weeks?! I used to wfh so was more flexible on hols and have never really chased him to do extra until now.

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Original poster
EezehMummy · 05/05/2026 20:26

School holiday split is me 5 weeks, him 1 week. Would be 1 week and 2 days if he agreed. He is still having his regular contact days (2 nights a week) over summer.

Youngest is aged 10. Grandparents not an option for one reason or another 😭

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Minnie798 · 05/05/2026 20:21

Difficult to say. What does the school holiday split look like?
While I think being open to negotiations is important, I don't think I'd appreciate being 'told' by an ex that I can't take two days of my leave when I want to take it.

JanBlues2026 · 05/05/2026 20:06

I think you are confusing the issue with the October thing.

To your Ex - there are X amount of school holidays to cover, you need to take leave or sort alternative childcare for your days

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