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Original poster

To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

606 replies

Colleagueissue26 · 05/05/2026 17:25

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

OP posts:
Passingthrough123 · 05/05/2026 20:04

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 20:01

Whereas you feel being this inappropriate to a work colleague is OK and should be minimised...leading to ???

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I've said it was inappropriate. I just don't agree with your "sexual predator imposing his kink" take.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 05/05/2026 20:03

Some people are saying OP is older and the more experienced colleague. That could imply one doubts a young man couldn't take advantage of or even harm a woman older than him. There are a lot of persistent stereotypes here: harassment (or even rape) is based on attraction, a younger man wouldn't be attracted to a woman older than himself, or indeed, an older woman, young men need to be excused and cannot be blamed for misjudging a woman's behaviour, a woman is at fault for having joined in on banter if a man uses it as an invitation for sex talk or propositioning. These are just some.
At the end of the day it amounts to blaming the woman for any unwanted comments or actions.

godmum56 · 05/05/2026 20:02

Branwellgirl · 05/05/2026 19:06

If you’re having these sorts of drunken conversations with work colleagues, you’re blurring boundaries already as to what’s acceptable and what isn’t.

This

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 20:01

Passingthrough123 · 05/05/2026 19:58

Nothing less than a public flogging if the rest of that poster's comments are anything to go by!

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Whereas you feel being this inappropriate to a work colleague is OK and should be minimised...leading to ???

Feis123 · 05/05/2026 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Clarabell77 · 05/05/2026 20:00

YABU, you participated in the conversation.

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:59

Marieb19 · 05/05/2026 19:57

Try getting into the real world.

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I am...which is why so many PP are fearful of the consequences of reporting this for the colleague

Passingthrough123 · 05/05/2026 19:58

MancunianFay · 05/05/2026 19:56

He knows it was wrong.

That’s why he apologised.

What punishment would you deem appropriate?

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Nothing less than a public flogging if the rest of that poster's comments are anything to go by!

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:57

MancunianFay · 05/05/2026 19:56

He knows it was wrong.

That’s why he apologised.

What punishment would you deem appropriate?

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HR being aware he behaves inappropriately

Marieb19 · 05/05/2026 19:57

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:52

No decent HR would think discussing only fans 'lightheartedly' in a group ...was "complicit" or "flirting" with a colleague ...this is a "what was she wearing defence" and really really grim

Women are not owned by mens thoughts of them 🤢😔🤦‍♀️

Show quote history

Try getting into the real world.

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:56

ChavsAreReal · 05/05/2026 19:52

Inappropriate yes, but it was neither direct nor a request.

"If you were serious... ...I dont mind"

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Direct...sent soley to OP

You heavily edited didn't you:

"if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’"

MancunianFay · 05/05/2026 19:56

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:53

How do you explain justifying someone directing a kink to a colleague then?

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He knows it was wrong.

That’s why he apologised.

What punishment would you deem appropriate?

Passingthrough123 · 05/05/2026 19:56

OP is someone's daughter who he imposed his kinks on ...

OP is also someone's daughter who admitted she joined in a discussion in the pub about it being okay to sell clothing items on Only Fans. The colleague shouldn't have sent the text but saying he's a sexual predator she should be frightened of being around is OTT.

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:53

StephensLass1977 · 05/05/2026 19:51

I'm 50 actually, dearie.

Centre myself in speech I hear? What are you blathering on about?

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How do you explain justifying someone directing a kink to a colleague then?

ChavsAreReal · 05/05/2026 19:52

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:49

Oh I disagree ...the colleague made a direct and inappropriate request for sex work to another colleague.

Reporting will reveal if there is a pattern of behaviour and put a first time on record

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Inappropriate yes, but it was neither direct nor a request.

"If you were serious... ...I dont mind"

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:52

Marieb19 · 05/05/2026 19:48

Unless this guy is an absolute sleeze bag, which i doubt as he has retracted, it's better to let it lie, unless there is another proposition. If she takes this to HR they may beleive she was complicit/flirting and is unlikely to be viewed positively, either with HR or her colleagues. It would be a different matter if he repeated the suggestion.

Show quote history

No decent HR would think discussing only fans 'lightheartedly' in a group ...was "complicit" or "flirting" with a colleague ...this is a "what was she wearing defence" and really really grim

Women are not owned by mens thoughts of them 🤢😔🤦‍♀️

StephensLass1977 · 05/05/2026 19:51

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:29

Here's the younger colleague ^^

Do you always feel things discussed are invitations to join? Parties, operations, weddings, appointments....or do you realise a lighthearted theoretical discussion is not an invitation for you to seek sexual pleasure / masturbate?

Or do you always centre yourself...in speech that you hear?

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I'm 50 actually, dearie.

Centre myself in speech I hear? What are you blathering on about?

Madarch · 05/05/2026 19:51

Make it clear that this is attention is unwanted. If he continues, take it further. If not, job done.

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:49

MancunianFay · 05/05/2026 19:42

But by telling OP to run to HR is infantilising women.

She is the older, more experienced colleague. She can handle this without resorting to humiliating the poor lad in his workplace.

As PPs have said, he could complain about the overtly sexual conversation on a work night out.

There are no perps or victims here. It’s all petty and childish.

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Oh I disagree ...the colleague made a direct and inappropriate request for sex work to another colleague.

Reporting will reveal if there is a pattern of behaviour and put a first time on record

Marieb19 · 05/05/2026 19:48

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:34

So talking about something lightheartedly in a group ...means you want to do it?

I really don't think it does and is not a free pass for sexual predators

OP isn’t being puritanical...she is asking if a unsolicited request for sex work from a colleague should be reported

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Unless this guy is an absolute sleeze bag, which i doubt as he has retracted, it's better to let it lie, unless there is another proposition. If she takes this to HR they may beleive she was complicit/flirting and is unlikely to be viewed positively, either with HR or her colleagues. It would be a different matter if he repeated the suggestion.

Comtesse · 05/05/2026 19:48

NotAnotherScarf · 05/05/2026 17:36

How would a mate know what he was talking to his work colleagues about?

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Quite right, it’s a rubbish excuse.

Sadcafe · 05/05/2026 19:47

Did he offer a good price!!, seriously, he’s stupid but he’s apologised, I’d leave it at that, unless he does it again.

takealettermsjones · 05/05/2026 19:47

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 18:58

You cant blur lines by having a joke about whether you'd do something like only fans.
Then receiving a sexual request from a colleague..the 2 things arent comparable.

One is hypothetical...the other is a direct request. If a woman talks about something its not a invitation to any overhearing man to participate in that thing with her.

This is basic stuff.

Edited
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Yes of course you can, when the test is whether a reasonable person would think it is wanted or not.

For example:

A) Woman says in a pub to female colleague "I bought some new underwear today." Male colleague overhears and later messages saying "if you were serious, I'll buy your used underwear!"

B) Woman says in a pub to male colleague, grabbing his tie and whispering in his ear, "I'm up for selling my used underwear, only to you though." Male colleague later messages saying "if you were serious, I'll buy your used underwear!"

C) Woman says in a pub to group including male colleague, all quite tipsy, "I would definitely sell my used underwear! Wouldn't bother me at all. ...Yeah, I'd sell to colleagues too! Nothing to be ashamed of!" Male colleague later messages saying "if you were serious, I'll buy your used underwear!"

Of those scenarios I would say A is definitely unwanted, B is definitely wanted, and C is... a judgement call! You?

charactershoes · 05/05/2026 19:42

I wouldn’t report unless it happens again. It was a one off idiotic mistake, he deserves to feel stupid and embarrassed but not to get fired.

Also maybe don’t joke about Only Fans with your colleagues!

MancunianFay · 05/05/2026 19:42

Anyahyacinth · 05/05/2026 19:38

It's the ones that buy though that create the conditions that create the harm. Calling someone old enough to work 'silly' is infantilising men and a very big part of the problem ...as is identifying him as a son.

OP is someone's daughter who he imposed his kinks on ...not as an unknown stranger but as someone she has to work with on an ongoing basis

Its creepy and not 'silly'

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But by telling OP to run to HR is infantilising women.

She is the older, more experienced colleague. She can handle this without resorting to humiliating the poor lad in his workplace.

As PPs have said, he could complain about the overtly sexual conversation on a work night out.

There are no perps or victims here. It’s all petty and childish.