Employer refusing flexibility after child’s surgery. What would you do?

You refer to having had time off since September, surgery that you have had annd also say that your DD has only just had this surgery.
How much time have you had off since September, what length blocks of time have you had and how much of it was planned and how much was last minute? What is your proposal now and how long will it need to last for? You must appreciate that you work in a highly regulated industry with one of the regulations being about ratios. If you employer had spent the last 8
months having to juggle staffing at the last minute, you may have used up all of their and your colleagues’ goodwill. On the other hand, colleagues may be supportive of you and may be willing to do some extra hours themselves and so, if you go to your employer with a solution (eg that you’re swapping some of your hours with a colleague) they may be more amenable to being flexible. As PP have said, you are entitled to parental
leave (if you haven’t used it all already) but that has to be taken in blocks and not necessarily your convenience. Obviously, it is unpaid.

She'll need to cope. She's a teenager, not a small child, so she's perfectly capable of understanding 'I can't be here Tuesday and Thursday because I have to work. I can't afford to be sacked. You'll need to manage getting to the toilet on crutches or piddle in a potty next to the sofa and I'll empty it when I get home from work'.

Either that or she'll need to accept help from anyone else who is available. You make it sound like it's her choice to insist on you, but it isn't if you can't be there to do so.

But they wouldn’t get paid!

(edit - I realise it’s over the 18 years as I am taking a little bit for the first time this year - I have a 17 yo and a 12 yo)

She had both knees done at the same time? Was there a reason for this as it sounds rare. And recent is not Sep to now. What has she had done exactly? This will influence how I would see your employers POV

Absolutely, you can’t just tell them you’re off you have to request it and I think in terms of a nursery where they have staff ratios etc and it’s from someone who has already had a lot of time off they’re unlikely to agree due to needs of the business. I just wanted to clarify it as the other poster said the entitlement is for 18 weeks per child and it read as though they possibly thought per year.

Whilst I really feel for you - your employer hasn’t done anything wrong.

the only other option would be to request a leave of absence unpaid.

I had to google it because I thought my god if someone has 3 children they could wangle the whole year off every year!!! 😱

But your employer doesn’t have to agree to it when you want it - they can rearrange it within a certain time frame.

I would also like to know how old the OPs daughter is? A 15 year old girl will be fine for a couple of hours at home twice a week. Help her to the loo before you go and set her up with drinks and snacks and come back at lunch time

This. If there are other people who can help. She has to let them.

I was thinking that is a massive amount of leave that I have never heard of before!

Plenty of elderly adults have reduced mobility and continence issues and they are expected to cope on 2x visits from a carer per day.
Your teenagers situation is temporary, and tbh in this situation she can't afford to be fussy about who cares for her as you are at the point where you could lose your job, she will have to accept dad helping her, siblings, anyone else you can ask really. If I had a friend lived nearby (a few min away) in this situation I'd offer to pop round a couple of times in the day if I was wfh to just help her daughter get to the loo or to make her a cuppa.

Just to clarify the 18 weeks is over the whole of the child’s 18 years not 18 weeks every year! It is usually capped at 4 weeks per year

Assuming you work a standard day like 8-5pm with an hour for lunch:

I don't think it's unreasonable to leave your teenage daughter with snacks, books and a TV remote for four hours at a time. It's two films and a screen break.

Maybe counter and ask of they will let you split your lunch break?

You can take up to 18 weeks of unpaid parental leave. Have you already taken all that?!?!?

If you only work 15 hours a week, then assuming that's 2 days a week, then using up 18 weeks of unpaid parental leave is surely not even possible since September?

Or are you wanting paid leave?

They are absolutely within their rights to refuse any paid leave but they cannot stop you taking unpaid parental leave.

It reads like you've been off since September? Or have you been at work on and off?

Unfortunately it sounds like your daughter will have to accept help from other people, not just you.

In an early years setting they will have ratios to stick to. It doesn't really sound like they are in the wrong here, but worth checking in with your union.

What is it exactly you are providing for your daughter? Would a bed pan or inco pants work. I think she may well have to accept other carers if not, in the same way elderly people do. She may well be more reasonable than some of them!

From the information you’ve given it doesn’t really sound like your Employer is in the wrong with their stance but certainly you should contact your Union to help with any options that may be available.

What age is your daughter? 13 is very different from 19 in terms of how much she can help herself/ accept that you need to work and sensibly discuss work arounds for her care.

Have you used all your unpaid parental leave? How old is your teenager? Are they under 18?

Bed pans and a commode.. Easily bought on line and delivered the next day. Or even adult nappies.
Get her to wear a skirt, not too much fabric as waftly summer skirts are no good, and no knickers on days she will need more help to get to the loo, much easier to manage than knickers and jogging trousers or leggings
Or you could resign
It is really tough but employers have a right to get the time and labour they pay for.
depends on how much you need you job.

Has this been going on since September? If so, then you probably have used all your dependents leave. And flexible hours or wfh aren't really practical for an early years setting (I'm guessing you do 2 full days now, if you did 3 hours a day then how would they staff the rest of the shift)?
When I had a similar situation I took a sabbatical, not ideal as it was unpaid but it was the only way I could keep my job. Saying that, it co-incided with lockdown and a downturn in work so they didn't need to get anyone to fill in for me.

How old is your daughter 13, 19,16? Can she definitely not do more herself? Can she really not put up with another relative helping her in some way?

Is it feasible to go home in your lunch hour? If so that sounds fine, surely she'll be fine for 3/4 hours a couple of times a week? Assuming you only work 2 days a week? If it is spread out over more days I really can't see what the problem is.

You appear to be asking an awful lot of your employer and colleagues. Will they consider un-paid leave?

Also I’m afraid you can’t just refuse to go in. You have a contract of employment and they are within their rights to expect you to work given that you have already had a significant amount of time off already.
sorry I know this not what you wanted to hear.

Your daughter is a teenager, she will be fine for 4-5 hours a time.

How much leave have you had since September?

Tell your daughter to accept help from other people.