Employer refusing flexibility after child’s surgery. What would you do?

could she use a portable urinal?

Can you afford to hand in your notice and get another job when your daughter is better? That's what I would do but I appreciate you might not be able to do that.

Look for another job that gives you more flexibility?

What about unpaid parental leave ? You have 4 weeks of the year or you can go on sick pay again , claim stress which I believe it must be real with such worry . Nothing your employer can do . He can move the parental leave but can’t deny it , if he does go on sick

This is a you and your daughter problem. It sounds like your employer has been more than reasonable for a very long time.

There's no reason that your daughter can't cope until you're home at lunch and again in the afternoon. You only work 15 hours so it's not going to be a hardship for her.

I feel sorry for your employer and the fact you've got your union involved, speaks volumes.

OP, why would your request to work three hours a day work any better? She won’t have to wait much longer than that if you do the full day, just in two blocks.

And why haven’t you responded to the many posters who have asked how much time you’ve had off since September?

It can’t be you there all the time, your employer needs to meet ratios.

Alternatively, Dad can help her mobilise safely to the bathroom. He then leaves, she pulls pj bottoms down and up again, he comes back to help her back to bed.

You need to give 3 weeks notice and employers can refuse due to business needs and make you take it at another time that suits them.

If you can afford to take unpaid would parental leave be an option? https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave

Except 21 days notice is required.

Have you had an occupational therapist visit for reviews since she has been home?
If not, or not recently- can you ask for one so they can assess her again and see what other adaptations can be made to make it safer and easier for her at home?

I had to leave my DC at home after surgery. I left a cool bag with drinks, snacks, and also left pain killers etc. And a pee bottle 🤣
Hated leaving him but no choice.
He was fine.

I agree. Surely she doesnt need more toilet breaks than that.?

Then she’ll have to drink less on the two days a week her mum needs to go to work.

Sorry to hear about your daughters situation

But being pragmatic it's either bedpans or quit your job. Which one will cause your family the most hardship?

@TornIn2WorkThenChild I'm not sure your'e going to like this but I do totally get where youre coming from.

Your daughter is in pain, vulnerable,likely quite emotional, probably in the throes of getting to grips with menstruation etc too. She needs you. It sounds like work have been accommodating now for 6 months and they can no longer be accommodating. You may need to give up your job? Is it possible to discuss a career break for now? That would give you the security of a job to return to.

My son has lots of medical issues. I haven't been able to work since I had him. I've tried over the years but I cant be reliable. When he needs me, he needs me for medical reasons, for appointments etc

I've accepted that working just isn't an option for me at this time. Is it easy? Nope. But its what's needed both for his wellbeing and my sanity.

Get a bedpan for emergency use while you can't be there. Maybe not the most dignified, but better that than losing a job if she is refusing to let her father help.

Alternatively, as limited mobility is also not zero mobility, so if she can transfer from bed to a wheelchair, she could also get wheeled to the bathroom and transfer herself from wheelchair to loo.

4 hours is quite a long time to go without using the toilet? I couldn't go four hours unless I actively chose to drink less in order to avoid needing the toilet. Yes some people can go that long but everyone's bladder is different and during the daytime when my bladder is producing wee normally I would feel quite stressed out if someone told me I couldn't go to the loo for 4 hours!

I would ask for unpaid parental leave.
https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

Good luck to your daughter for her quick recovery!

Do you have an OT you can contact? It is their job to fix problems, so you can explain your precise predicament - two days a week, she will need to be able to go to the loo on her own if she needs to. They will be able to offer solutions.

What surgery is it that she has had done though? Even with bilateral full knee replacement patients are up and moving with crutches or walking frame within 24 hours. Most are home within 48 hours often with nobody at home with them.
A relative had full knee reconstruction and was up and about within 3 hours of coming round.
What has she had done that means her mobility is so limited?

I would be paying someone like a kind babysitter to go in to check on her on my working days to get her to the loo and give her a bed pan

@TornIn2WorkThenChild I remember having surgery at the same age as your daughter, the recovery was long and not dignified
I had no choice but to accept both my mum and dad helping me. It’s one of those things and yes at first it was uncomfortable but after the first time it was fine and we made it lighthearted was ok and I was just grateful to have to the help.
Sorry but it’s a life lesson for your daughter.

most people can schedule their toilet needs though. If she goes before you go to work, then waiting 3-4 hours shouldn't be a huge issue if she doesn't drink loads inbetween.

Most kids have to do exactly that in school if they don't manage to get to the loo in the short 20 minute break. People like surgeons, nurses, police officers etc have to wait much longer.

Regarding whether your employee is being unreasonable, it depends how much leave you've had exactly, which you've been a bit vague about. On the face of it,
2 weeks sickness end of September with nearly 7 months full attendance in-between before your dd 'just' (i.e. recently) had her op, they are being unreasonable. If you've had a few other periods of sickness inbetween, maybe less so.

Otherwise seems your options are :
1- go off sick with stress (could go in for 1 day and then say your dd hurt herself trying to use the loo/got really upset without you if you want to make a stronger case)
2 - ask for unpaid leave
3 - use up any annual leave
4 - tell your dd you can't take the time off so she'll have to let someone else help, whether that's her dad, asking any other female relatives, paying for care?
5 - try the only coming back at lunch time and leaving her with a potty or she-wee for emergencies.

I do indeed - I work outdoors and can't just drop my pants and take a piss whenever I fancy, lol.

Your daughter needs to accept help from others and you need to try it out rather than straight away just saying it won’t work